The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I found myself in the midst of old behaviors last night....out of control, irrational emotions. I felt a twinge of pain while talking with my exA on the phone briefly....someone in the background, not him, made an insensitive joke, it triggered me and I felt the vaccuum start to swirl.....I lashed out like my life depended on it. Bitter angry words....sending pain bacause I felt pain....but the source of the pain in the actual moment was not wrth more than an irritation. Then I found myself sending multiple emails apologizing and explaining. Good god! I was out of control.
Today I am exhausted and scared. I have been far from this for a year or so at least....I have had peace and serenity. I have had therapy and reading and programs. I have believed in the change I felt in myself. I work hard at this.
So to have such an awful reminder that it is still possible is terribly upsetting. My behavior and emotions are so destructive to myself and the people I target it at. I felt violence within...I unleashed it with my words...and it is not possible to take it back.
I say sorry to him. I say sorry to me. I say I will try and not do this explosion tomorrow. I understand that it is irrational, old behavior. But I understand that it affects my current relationships.
I see that my mother was an adult child of an alcoholic and very codependent...my ex husband of 15 years was a carbon copy of her. Then my next relationship was with an addict....this is when I found MIP and 12 steps over 2 years ago. When I revisit my past/lifelong relationships like this, my own patterns and codependency feel sooooo thick.
I pray for strength and hope. I feel damaged and unable to know how to have a healthy relationship. I pray to keep focusing on today.
Aloha Fifi...It happens cause like the disease of alcoholism there are compulsions running wild ready to be used. You did the right thing with the apologies and have said Wow!! it can still happen. No to go on. No mention of a sponsor. Sponsors are great before, during and after the battles and can and do help us to take off and leave off the armor. I relate to the reaction...That use to be my very best fuse lighter. I was never able to clear out of the area of the explosion so I use to blow myself up all the time.
Grateful for your ESH...You'll heal and get better. (((((hugs)))))
Fifi Your post is why I know that I have to keep comming to meetings for the rest of my life . an unkind word can send me into orbit too , old memories get burried and when someone says or does somthing it brings back all the pain , today for me that is another good thing , now I am aware that there are things that still need to be delt with I can go thru the steps and find out what upset me , find out why and let it go ... finally Nothing in Gods world happens by mistake . feel it an heal it . Louise Slip ?
I hear shame in your post and I know how that feels, too.
Shame is that feeling that somehow we will never learn, that we are not good enough, that we are wired wrong. None of it is true. You are in a different place simply by virtue of the fact that you are aware of what you did, why and that you learned how at a very early age, most likely, because you were surrounded by this technique. That is that "thickness" you describe and boy what a great choice of words- mine is super thick, too!
But we get to choose. We get to do a better job next time. Slips do happen and they will happen. I think that one thing this program has taught me is to be more gentle with myself and to accept myself, warts and all. We are human. We are going to make mistakes and as other have pointed out, you apologized and you saw your piece, that is all any of us can do! You can stop beating yourself up now and get on with your life.
((((Fifi)))) My heart feels for you and I can understand your pain, as I have engaged in the exact behavior many times before and I am sure I will probally do it again. However you know what you did, you see where you could have done things differently so you are learning and growing in this program. Sometimes it is sooooooo very hard not to REACT when we are pushed.......I pray for strength in this area more than you could imagine. We are after all, olny human. Keep coming back and when you feel the urge to vent......do it here.....without judgement and most importantly.......take care of u!!! Shellyj
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
