The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes I wonder if I am being to hard nosed...are my expectations realistic? Am I setting unrealistic boundaries? I know these are questions that only I can answer for myself with the help of my Higher Power. In the meantime I would like some words of wisdom from my fellow Al Anon members.
The situation is this....hubby and I have been separated since August. (he is not my A but we were both raised in A homes so we both carry many A traits) We were together 18 years and he rarely had any friends. In the past 5 years he began making friends w/ female coworkers. I have found 3 different phone numbers in his wallet during this 5 years. He admitted each time that they were only friends and would talk about the problems they were each having at home. All 3 were single. He would only call them while I was gone to AlAnon meetings, etc but he never called anyone when I was home. This bothered me greatly.
Without including the rest of the mess that is our life....I would like to ask....am I being unreasonable on this subject?.....Are most people okay with their spouse talking to coworkers of the opposite sex on the phone? I do not like my husband leaning on other womens shoulders....am I all alone in this?
Do you experience trust with him? Do you trust him? Has he demonstrated himself to be a trusting person? If he has, then I would be OK with it but I would want to have a conversation about it with him and make it clear that I do trust him and that I love him and that I know he is a bright independent man that I am in love with and consider my partner.
His choices are his. He is an adult, not a child and he does not need to be monitored by you or anyone else. Likewise, so are you an adult and not a child and you do not need to be monitored.
As long as you both have a history of being trustworthy and you feel and experience trust between the two of you then yes, let go and let god and let him do whatever he needs to do. Respect his privacy and his ability to make decisions just as he respects you and yours.
On the other hand, if there is a history of affairs and of not being trustworthy, its a whole different thing. Trust needs to be built up slowly and through words and actions matching. If you two do not have that, yeah, I would think its a red flag. Just my 2 cents, please take what you would like and leave the rest and hugs for you- Jean
PS: one more thought. I do have a job where sometimes yes, I do need to talk to male co-workers on the phone at odd hours, its a part of my job to do so but I must be very very careful about this. It must only be for specific work-related reasons. I keep my conversation strictly on work. I terminate the call when the business is concluded. I am not unfriendly but I must stay on business. I do this because if I do not, I or my boss could get into trouble and its called harassment and/or sexual harassment and ones boundaries must be very clear and extremely simple. Casual phone conversations with people from work can so easily become a misunderstanding, even the slightest hint of any kind of anything can be so easily misconstrued and misunderstood and can have disasterous consequences.
He should be and he should want to be very very careful and understand that this could be much more than just a phone call.
One should want to conduct oneself with a great deal of professionalism when dealing with co-workers!!!!
This is gonna be my response that comes from both sides of the room. From the side of being a spouse of an alcoholic and past partner of women who had sneaky behaviors I'd say your reaction is normal and probably expected. If my partners didn't confide openly about what was going on in "our" relationship my conclusion was that we were not having an "open and honest" relationship and I was expecting (again) something from someone that was not able to come thru on it. You're (for me) talking about tresspassing on value systems. For me? been there done that don't and haven't done that for a long while. Relationship done or altered in a way that done was close.
As a husband I am very open about who I converse with here at home but use the principals of confidentiality. My wife knows the females I speak with here at home. She doesn't know who I speak with on MIP and hasn't to my knowledge checked my membership or the interchanges. Recovery interchanges for me are confidential just as we speak about in face to face meetings. Even if I will never see a face that goes with a name anonymity applies. How my wife reacts I have no control over. If she feels fearful or jealous she has a justification for that I am not a part of. I take care of me inspite of the other people in my life which also includes keeping myself out of situations that were normal to the life of an alcoholic. If she gets angry and suspicious...she gets to own that and deal with it. I don't align my behavior with what other peoples conditions. If she and when she reacts now she knows I have nothing to do with it.
MIP can be very helpful...a sponsor more so. I am sure you will receive alot of responses to your request. "If you can keep and open mind, you will find help" and one more, "What you don't know can't hurt you but what you suspect can kill you."
It's perfectly normal to feel a twinge of jealousy when your love talks to other women. But I can also say if he's going to cheat he's going to cheat and there's nothing you can do about it. Sooooo, I think pushing the issue only creates a wedge whereas trying to get your own feelings about the situation under control will better serve you.
This is timely for me because my new boyfriend has a girl that is obviously goo goo eyed over him. He was sitting with her the night we met and has been on dates with her in the past and every time we go to the place we met he shows less affection than normal and talks to her a LOT. She hovers around him the entire time. Anyway, last time I was feeling EXTREMELY jealous. I had to keep telling myself... he loves me... he's going home with me...he's just trying not to rub it in her face... etc. I know it's hard, I had a hard time with it that night, not being resentful, making up reasons why in my head... like is he trying to keep her in the back pocket just in case it doesn't work out... etc. I think sometimes we think ourselves to death and put so much more meaning to something that is completely meaningless. All I know is I have been with cheaters in the past and there is nothing you can do to change that if it's going to happen it's going to happen. I trust him, I know he loves me, I just have to be strong and let it go. When I want to rag about it I talk to my best friend and RANT! But I try not to let it show to him because I know it's MY issue not his!
Personally I had relationships of great dependency most of my life. As Rick Belden put it "I wanted us to be immersed in each other". I'm not sure a healthy relationship stays totally immersed for ever.
There are certainly different boundaries when you are separated than whe you are together.
Personally I did some icky stuff for me like looking at the numbers on the exA's cell phone and being incredibly jealous and insecure about them (I had reason to be since the A spent all his time with them). I raged long and hard about his time with other people.
For me personally it didn't matter who it was they were taking time away from me. I felt he gave them something he didn't give me. The reality was he had nothing to give.
Many of us really struggle with boundaries. I think its great you are questioning these issues and trying to work out what's healthy.
I live around people who have profoundly unhealthy relationships they question nothing they just keep doing it. And nothing changes.
Thank you everyone...and especially maresie. You're words rang very true for me. I do always feel like he is giving them the communication I have craved for years. He has been so withdrawn for years. I was even jealous when he got in touch with his sister after years of not being in contact....because all of a sudden he was up past 11pm talking almost every night...when before that, he'd be in bed by 8:30 or 9:00. Seemed crazy to me at the time to be feeling that way.
