The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
Been on these boards for awhile now, and working the steps. Have struggled many times over with situations with sober EXABF. I met him 10 yrs sober and in recovery and never knew what he was like drinking, so I never felt I had anything to compare when he exhibited certain behaviors. It never occured to me before that the bottem line is he is an alcoholic-no matter how much I wanted to think maybe he's not (ya know he IS sober and all:), no matter how much I wanted to think anything but that (I spent years with EXAH who was never sober so I knew what that life held and wanted no parts of it), no matter what-that is the bottem line-whether he is drinking or sober-he is and will always be an alcoholic. And I think that me trying to seperate the drinking v/s sober behaviors was my way of making it less than what it actually is-because I didn't want to face it......I didn't want to not be able to be with him, and didn't know if I ever could since he was an alcoholic (still not sure what I feel there). Everyday I log on here there is a quote that I read and laugh, but really never let it set it and I guess it applies to me........"You extract the rum from a fruitcake and if nothing else changes you still have fruitcake". Took me a longggggggggg time to figure out that sober or drunk he is and will always be an alcoholic- I think deep down I wanted to avoid that reality for as long as I could..........this program really does open our eyes..... Your friend in recovery shellyj
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I laugh at the fruitcake remark every day too! It took me 3 years to figure out that there was no easy fix for alcoholism and that he would never be cured. The best I could hope for was a disease that was being managed. For me, that wasn't good enough. But everyone must make their own decision when it is right for them.
Much as I hated to admit it that was me too. I dated my A -Who was sober a year when we met and an AA poster boy- for 3 years before we married. We managed to stay married for another 3 but that last two were hell. He stopped meetings, stopped his program, started mood swings, it was awful. He left me in July, got off probation in December on the 2nd and drank on the 3rd. Once an A always an A. Sad, I envy the ones who can stay and find serenity. I had to get off the merry-go-round. It was killing me. I have been in Alanon off and on for a while, but actually active for over a year now. I have serenity, and can detatch, when he starts to try to drag me back on the ride. But its only through MY program. Julie
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Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.
Well as you have seen both sides of the coin, myself, the only one that took the rum out of the friutcake in my life was ME!!! LOL... So I don't really know what it is like to deal with a Sober A... Mine has all been full blown, A's...
So I guess that is one thing I haven't had the chance to figure out, but I do like the Fruitcake thing... lol... That will stick with me for a while...
You are doing great in your program and you have come a long way... I am proud of you for taking the steps you need to bring yourself back to a better way of thinking, and living...Good for you...
Love ya Missing
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
Hi Shelly, I can really relate to what you are saying also. I met my current husband when he was 9 years sober, and he just celebrated 21 years recently. So drinking isn't the problem with us. He is active in the program, leading a weekly meeting at a halfway house and working with others.
BUT... I still need Al-Anon every day. I go to weekly meetings and lurk on these boards. I pray and read and journal, and when I do that, my life works better. Even after all these years, my A still pushes my boundaries every chance he gets. It's in his genes, I think.
I'm so glad you wrote that post, and that you've had this insight. It's a good reminder to those of us who have been around a long time.
That statement for me Once an alcoholic means for me that he is one drink away from hell . My husb has been sober for many yrs now and has made many changes in his life and his thinking which also impacts my life with him . alcohoics can change if they want to , some sorry to say don't seem to ever change . the good news is that I can change the way I react with him , don't go on his dry drunks with him - I don't worry about him drinking again because today I truly know that I can not stop him if he chooses to go back . I still go to meetings for me * he stopped a few yrs ago * and I do slip occasioally and react to his moods but recover much quicker now than in the past . Sobriety is not the answer to all of our problems , pretty powerful statement . duh no kidding . hehe I have also learned here if I dont tell him what I need or what is unexceptable to me he will continue the behavior . I was told yrs ago aht by my silence my husb was assuming that what he was doing was okay with me. so speak up and have no expectations that anything will change . it's just important that u speak up----- then let it go . Louise
I think there are valid points here. However as someone who's been to AA for a long long time, I have seen some people get sober and get healthy and begin to address some issues. Some people go deeply some don't. I don't know there is a guideline for who does and who doesn't. Some people plateau and some don't. We could actually say the same for al anon some people come here for a while and some don't. I also don't attibute going to a program necessarily as getting healthy. I think programs help but at the same time people have to be really motivated to change. Some do and some don't. The issue is that we don't necessarily get to make them do it.
Shelly, I said exactly the same thing to my sponsor, after.... ???? months? a year? in program. "I'm just now realizing that he's still an alcoholic..." - the thing is, if he WEREN'T, I probably wouldn't be attracted to him in the first place!
My sponsor is a lady who divorced one A husband (who later died at age 51), and was VERY upset when she realized she really liked this new guy - who was a sober alcoholic. She did eventually marry him, and they are still together, and he is still sober. She told me, it's a very negative disease, and sometimes that will come out. The thing is with alanon you have a place to go where you can be heard - even if HE can't hear you.
I guess for me, the point is that *I* need the tools of Alanon whether I'm married to an alcoholic or not. Maybe alanonism is hard wired in me, maybe I learned it, but it's certainly THERE. Given that I need the tools of alanon - do I want to be with this particular guy? So far, I do. We have many days that are very good. Sometimes he acts like a turd. But you know - I bet many guys, if not most, are like that sometimes - even the ones who aren't alcoholics. (I can certainly be that way myself. Rarely, of course, ahem.) So what would I gain by leaving? The opportunity to start all over with another one? The tools of the program have given both of us better ways to communicate & live with each other - and for now, on the whole, that's good.
*** ooops, forgot to say - I just love what louise said above about "I don't have to go on his dry drunks with him"...
Wow, yes. yes, yes and yes! I really relate to everyone here on this one! My A hubby was 5 years sober and in AA for 20 when we got together and got married. We had been sweet hearts 29 years earlier and reunited after 29 years apart. He was very active in AA and was spiritual -- I fell back in love with that person... he was hiding the other person! Not really, but my eyes weren't open to him. Not long after our reunion he was drinking again. I didn't understand alcoholism nor did I realize his stage of the disease. Oh, to make a long story short -- our marriage has been a roller coaster and I started seeing a counselor again a while ago and am grateful for AlAnaon. He is in AA again and not drinking -- today. But, the behaviors are there and my reactions... like tonight he reamed me for being good at taking care of myself! Insane or what?
db55, amen on the "roller coaster" and amen on the "reamed me for being good at taking care of myself". Even after 12 years, it still amazes me that my A behaves as if I ought to be living HIS life.
to be fair, I must admit I did live his life for too long. and I might be still be setting boundaries with him the day one of us dies. But that's okay today. As we often hear, we don't graduate from Al-Anon, it's a lifelong process of progress not perfection.
Oh, I just had an afterthought. I remembered an experience that really helped me in this regard.
We have a 32-year old friend of the family who is mentally challenged. One day she was visiting us for an afternoon, and when I didn't jump up to take care of something my A asked me to do, she said "don't you love J anymore?" She had tears in her eyes.
So I found myself explaining to her, in language I thought she might understand, that even though we love someone they still get on our nerves sometimes and that's okay. And that just because I didn't "wait on J hand and foot" didn't mean I don't love him.
Then I asked her if she loved anybody, she said Ya, she loved her Momma. I grinned and said "does your momma ever get on your nerves?".... and I saw the light come on in her eyes. We laughed together and everything was all right in her world again.
This simple explanation and her response stayed with me for a long time, and helped me during those times when I had to set the same boundary over and over and over again. Thought ya'll might enjoy that story.
Much as I hated to admit it that was me too. I dated my A -Who was sober a year when we met and an AA poster boy- for 3 years before we married. We managed to stay married for another 3 but that last two were hell. He stopped meetings, stopped his program, started mood swings, it was awful. He left me in July, got off probation in December on the 2nd and drank on the 3rd. Once an A always an A. Sad, I envy the ones who can stay and find serenity. I had to get off the merry-go-round. It was killing me. 
