The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I realized I was struggling to hold back my feelings, while mustering up the courage to glance at them while I tried to speak, the tears came anyway. I knew I had lost the one person that truly mattered most in my life; its just that at that point I had no understanding that this person was me. I had made my way scared, shaking, broken. This would come to be my first meeting.
I was no longer able to help her, be there for her, and take care of her. Seeing the suffering in front of me, my reflection in her eyes, and yet I was unable to reach out and touch her ever again. She no longer wanted me to. I felt as if I didnt matter. I felt torn from my heart, with so much pain inside, it felt like it was over, my life. It was all there right in front of me, slow motion; her heart was so far from mine. In an attempt to release myself of the pain, I struggled to get back into the skin of the life I had to go back to work in. My legs could no longer hold up the weight of my emotions. I took a shower and tried to wash away the feelings of my breaking heart. My skin was soon covered in tears as I lay down in the shower, trembling. Watching my world crumble into darkness, memories now jaded, the tunnel drew darker. I was so into us, I had lost I thought... did it really matter anymore what I thought? As I fell to my knees again in an attempt to stay focused on what felt like was the last bit of my soul dying. It was only my feelings again I said to myself, a pain in my heart like no one could possibly understand whos still alive. I had felt like this before I thought the end of the world. I just said out loud that I would never feel like this again.
I had thought that some day I would forget the feeling I had of total and utter despair, I was wrong. The sting in my heart from that day has a special place. It reminds me of where I was and how far I have come. Its a reminder of all the past struggles and things I have had to endure, things no one should ever have to put themselves through. Things I realize now that I have brought upon myself in an ironic attempt to keep myself from harm. Control, I used to think it was something I got to do to everyone else. I knew very little of the torment I was inevitably forcing upon myself, I had no Idea
As the days pass by, I still feel the presence of your shadow. A memory still lingering, further now in the distance, I smile.
(((Mark))) Very powerful Share...So thank you for the reminder of the direction I am attemping to get to...We all have those demons in our closests but some are harder to bare then others....Good for you for bringing it around...
Friends in Recovery... Missing...
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
