The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is in AA and he has almost 6 months. So much has changed in the last 6 months for the both of us because both of us are in recovery. We communicate better most of the time. We don't argue as much. We seem to enjoy our lives together now. I am thankful for these things.
But then there are days I just do not get it. Those are the days my AH lays on the couch and sleeps off and on for three or more days at a time. I can see so many good changes in him. But this drives me absolutely nuts. After a day or two I think he should be getting better. I ask him if something is wrong and sometimes there is and sometimes there isn't. Most times I think it's old behavior creeping back. He gets upset emotionally and then he deals with it by zoning out with the boob tube and sleeping for days on end. In the last two weeks he has done this.
This is so difficult for me because I see what is going on and when I discuss it with my sponsor she tells me to mind my own business and that his sponsor and the other AA members will call him on his BS. I seriously doubt he admits to them much of anything. I could be wrong though.
So just for today I am going to do for me something that will keep my attention off of him. FOCUS ON ME
Do you deal with this type of behavior? I really hate it but the behavcior is making me think twice about staying with him because he puts more effort into sleeping and laying around yet than trying to find a job.
Yes many I am sure have had the Couch Potato type, I to have in my past, but like you mentioned, it isn't about what he does its about what you do! If you are focusing more in him behavior then you are not seeing your own...Some times there are many lose's, but his are for him to figure out...
When he has those days that is all he does, then you get out of the house and go do something fun, even if it is nothing more then taking a nice walk in the park, or down the street, or walk around a mall...What ever helps you bring your focus back on yourself and allows you to let go of his behavior...
You will find if you keep coming back and get to some F2F and really turn your focus around to you...You may find he finds a little motivation as well... Take what you like and leave the rest....
Friends in Recovery...One Day at a time...
Missing
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
Oftentimes, depression/anxiety goes hand in hand with the disease of alcoholism, sober or active. Your AH perhaps is dealing with this at this point in time.
For the time you have been in recovery have you been told yet about "It's progress not perfection"?
The program suggestion of focusing on ourselves was and still is a very biggie for me. At times I have come up with a list of things that needed changing that was longer for me than the alcoholic and now that I am married to a non-drinker there are at times I am complused to make a list up for the non-drinker. I used to think that holding others responsible for my unhappinesses was the natural and right thing to do...that is until I got here.
"she tells me to mind my own business"
So thats where one of my deceased sponsors went to. He became your angel. LOL
Keep coming back. This is a simple program for complicated people that speaks easy and works hard.
my Abf is almost a year sober and has gone through a lot of changes and still is. Into his second month of being sober he always had to stay busy and go, go, go. We did everything together and always went places. Then a while after that he would sleep a lot. Not for days at the time, but he would fall asleep after he got home from work and would sleep a lot on weekends too. Therefore, he spent most nights sleeping on the couch and I in the bed by myself.
This confused me but others suggestions were that I focus on myself. I have learned in time to take the focus off him most days. I am still working on it, but progress, not perfection. I think him sleeping a lot is just his body adjusting to the not drinking.
Kinda makes me wonder if they have to catch up their sleep from all those late nights when they drank and partied. Well mine did anyway.
My bf used to have a short temper with a lot of things, used to complain a lot (when drinking and in early sobriety). This has changed. We are not the perfect couple but are doing a lot better than when he first got sober.
What really helps me is alanon. I have and am still learning a lot. When I am upset or confused about his behavior, I tell myself to be thankful he's sober. We have come a long way.
Many times, I have wondered if I wanted to stay in this relationship, because he acted like he didn't care. To me, now, it's worth staying in this relationship. I can not believe how many changes he went through, basically every one or two months he changed into this different person.
I am wishing you the best. Dealing with an A or Asober does take a lot of patience and understanding.
Detachment is pretty hard going some days. I do know that I need to complain less and do more to bring myself to a better state of mind. I find that really hard to do.
Oh my goodness I can relate to this. My A is the passive, couch-potato type too. Except that for the past few years, he's moved from the couch to the computer. He has a little TV right up next to the computer and he sits for HOURS every day playing computer games and watching Fox News. aaaaaargh.
For a long time I felt that there was another lover in the house.... this invisible electronic presence that enraptures him in a way I never could. I held a resentment about it for a long time too.
Finally, and slowly, and with many lapses, I have learned that it's really not about anything I am doing or not doing. It's HIS choice and I have to say the Serenity Prayer and let it go. These days, I am actually glad that he's a zombie cuz my life is so full of pleasant activities I don't miss him.
I should mention that we are both semi-retired and work out of our home, so we are pretty much 24/7 unless one of us has a meeting or a trip to the grocery store or an errand. We sleep in separate bedrooms. Life is good.
I know this would drive me nuts too. I can recall (its been awhile!) this driving me nuts when there was so much to be done around the house and he would just ZZZZZZZZZZZ. Just go and do something else, elsewhere. Make plans for yourself to go and do things. Movies, shopping, errands, etc. Do you live in a dark cold climate? That could be part of it, too- it may very well be physical, especially after how much they have damaged their bodies with alcohol, healing takes a very long time and detox does too- let him be.
Perhaps you can move his favorite sofa into a separate room where you don't have to look at him or perhaps you can move your usual daily activities to a place where you do not need to watch. I know this would make a big difference for me- its like visual clutter in my sanctuary. I know this about myself now. If I were to ever live with a man again, there is going to be his part of the house and my own part of the house. He can have his own bathroom, bedroom, etc. I refuse to live with anyone unless they we can choose to provide that for our relationship and value that as I do. Plain and simple. No big fat snoring dude on the sofa in MY part of the house- he can take it to his own part of the house!!! LOL! Jean
I so appreciate all your replies. Goodgran I think our significant others are twins born on different days.
I am better today thinking wise. I just keep saying the Serenity Prayer or read the Just for Today and I begin the process of leaving it aloneand letting go because it is not mine. I also slept pretty well last night. I have found using HALT that if I pay attention to my needs I don't focus on him so much.
This morning I got up and felt pretty good. He got up and poor thing his nose is like Rudolph's and he is so stuffed up. I bought him some OJ this morning when I came home from work. He looks like he is miserable. Compassion has crept in overnight. :) It is a good thing and a miracle indeed. Months ago I would have just obsessed for days on end. This time it only took one F/F, one call, and writing this post to get back on focus. And it all happened in a few hours. I must be getting better. :) It works if you work it.
Jerry I had to laugh. Thanks for sharing your former sponsor with me. ;)
Btw, I live in FL so it is pretty much a sunshine state. Only the last week it has been COLD for here 22 this morning and supposed to warm up to 67 on Saturday. Normal temps coming soon. :)
I do use all the slogans regularly. Progress not perfection is one I use a lot. I also use principles before personalities a lot too. I have begun generalizing some program things into other areas of my life so I see how the program really does help when I apply it to my life.
