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I wonder if any of you understand or are familiar with one of the quirks of my AH, which is that he seems to see himself as being on a "higher level" than other people, Ive found a number of videos hes taken of himself just looking at the camera! Part of his coldness seems bound up in his ego. Friends and sadly even my closest family have told me that they find him 'holier than thou' whether he drinks and "holier than thou" when hes 'actively' sober. My AH is also on prozac and has been for about two years, not sure where that fits in, but he does distance himself, I can see how he has been doing it for months this time, before he left me for maybe the 7th or 8th time in our 6 year marriage. In telling me its over this time, he has just told me too that "others need him more than he needs them", that includes me of course!!
He becomes very arrogant, isnt interested in any of my friends, is especially not interested in me and I have felt lots of times recently that what i have to say is just not important or interesting. I posted earlier that he has actually rung me from the west indies this time to say its all over and that I have 3 weeks to decide what I want to do, I have no idea what that means but Im using it wisely I hope in order to try and save myself.
We have always had a very sporadic sex life which has decreased to nothing , is this common within relationships with alcohol issues? He has rejected me in every possible way, absolutely never opens up so i never ever know what he is thinking, which is why i work so hard to try and keep things together because Im always afraid hes going to leave me again. Quite frankly his behaviour is so cruel and uncaring. I am spending a lot of time feeling that somewhere it must be me, that he has just fallen out of love with me but when its good, we get on so well and can spend lovely times, have similar ideas on lots of things and to me it really does feel like he is throwing so much away.
He has already had two partners, one of which was his first marriage and has left children in both cases, he has 3. I should have seen that as a warning, but I didnt.
I hate to think what kind of role model he is for his youngest daughter, who at 11, will now see his father leaving yet another family. As an adult embarking upon relationships, she is going to think that is what men do, "leave". We have a dog who she loves and our home has been the only stability she has had, with a chaotic mother who cant care for her properly. I lose her too!
My AH is an intelligent man who should be able to work out the damage he is doing, but seems to completely fail to see it. He has always been wracked with guilt about leaving his children but fails to build any long term stability for them as they grow up.
I have so much to get off my chest so again, this does seem to be a ramble, but anything anyone can tell me or recognises, i would love to hear from you. Im trying desperately to make sense of the horrible coldness he displays, he seems to just switch off!
the only relationship your seeing in this is between the alcoholic and his drink of choice , practicing alcoholics are incapable of loving anyone they hate themselves- can't give what they havent got . again stop trying to figure him out , you won't ever get there . Alcoholism has nothing to do with love , if it did we wouldnt need treatment centers AA , this is an equal oportunity disease it dosent care who it gets , smart not so smart , wealthy , poor . at the moment alcohol is running his life . YOu are not the reason he drinks I hope u know that , he drank before u met him and he will continue until he is done . Get the focus back on your needs take care of you because no one else can . Louise
Hi, thanks for your postings. They are really helpful. I know its all about him and his needs. I just hate the fact that he can leave me here in such a distressed state whilst he is swanning about in the west indies, happy that he has made his decision. Im actually going to Dubai to see my sister and her husband. Its very helpful even at this stage, as Ive things to plan and do to keep me busy and I know I will be proud of myself. Ive left a note in my diary to ask myself if I survived! I will once home, have to go through the awful process of him moving his things. I have to stop myself being helpful to him even there, I have to allow myself to get this done the way that is best for me, but Im afraid to 'upset' him. I really never realised what a mind set i was in. I have to make sure Im safe 'emotionally' when he does come and that he cant just turn up here when he fancies. Thats the trouble, no communication means that I dont have the foggiest what he intends from a practical perspective, probably not even thinking about it. I dont want to see him, Im afraid I will break down and beg as I always have, for him to come back. Oddly, alot of the posts say their AH's do the begging, mine has never done this, nor has he ever been remorseful. He puts alot of the blame on me, because I react so badly when he does drink, I get so frustrated and angry...useless I know. Ive never learned to be serene because as I said, i only went to one meeting and didnt think it was for me. Shame..He always says things have to change but its much more skewed towards me and how unreasonable Ive been. Its always felt that he has punished me... Anyway, enough, lots of really sound advice here and I am listening carefully. Thank you.
Try to focus on you and yes, its likely there is al-anon in Dubai because al-anon is everywhere on the planet- please look on the world wide website for locations internationally.
There is a very popular saying here at MIP: "the alcoholic is going to drink or not- what are YOU going to do?" which sort of translates (for me) into: FOCUS on me and what is best for me. I need to live my life and make my choices for ME, not for "US" or in consideration of the A.
So, let him be. Don't contact him. He is off doing his thing. Let him go and work on putting the focus onto YOU. Hugs, J.
Are we married to the same man????? Ha! Yes, I identify and I am sure others do, too. Someone has suggested that book being offered at the top of the post page, Getting Him Sober. It really is good. Really helped me understand ... especially being led to feel it is me not him, etc. Also, it is so easy to say forget him, leave him if I were to give advice to a complete stranger in this situation... BUT, I couldn't do it myself... it all changes with our emotions involved. So, greatthat you are here, where we, with an alcoholic in our lives, need to be for our sanity! Hugs.
Im so glad to hear someone say how much they identify. I am half convincing myself that this isnt related to alcohol and he has just stopped loving me, which he has but it is related. Sadly, I think contrary to the feeling that somehow they are special and their needs are paramount, they are all the same, act out in the same way, dont do anything different really. Its predictable, I can see it coming a mile off, but i will delude myself accordingly. Even to the point that i recently thought that we had got past his actual leaving me. Hes been preparing for it this time, thats the only difference and it hurts like hell to realise that. Yes, Im very glad I have found this site..my friends and family are a great support but people here know what its like and why we dont always just leave, when perhaps we should. My friend actually said the other day that she had nearly said, when was i going to stop taking this.....but of course she didnt. Its true, why would I want to be with a man who doesnt care or respect me...its that horrible thing that i still love him, but I cant ever be here again. Not ever.
Arrogant???? Yep, my A Hubby is arrogant while laid back in the recliener with his mouth shut. But I just feel so better when I don't entertain that and get active and take care of me.
3 weeks to have to yourself! How wonderful, embrace it. My A Hubby left home 5 days ago. And I'll definately figure things out!! One day at a time and as far as today...i'm taking in slow.
At 11, your stepdaughter is certainly old enough for a frank discussion - doesn't have to be all-inclusive. It could contain items like, this behaviour is absolutely not normal; alcoholism is a progressive disease - it gets worse over time; here is an alateen book I picked up for you, you might find some good things you can use in it; my own behaviour has not been normal either, and I'm starting to go to alanon to help me learn how to act in healthier ways; I'm concerned I may have been showing you an unhealthy way of reacting; I love you and I want you to know you are always welcome here - do you know the phone number?
Him saying "you have 3 weeks to decide" means..... zip. Yes, really. HE is the one who wants changes, so you know what? HE is the one whose place it is to do the work. Practice in front of the mirror if you have to: "I have decided that I want a loving relationship of mutual respect, and that my preference is to have it within the marriage I already have. I have decided that if that's NOT what YOU want, it's not my job to make that happen for you."
This all sounds like direct advice, for which I apologize - do please take it rather as suggestions. Take what works for you, and leave the rest.
((((Lily)))) I almost hate to say it, since I know when I first came here and everyone said it I wanted to SCREAM:), but these folks know what they are talking about-you have to focus on you. I learned this the hard way-still am:) But I am learning that I can NOT change the A in my life or his behavior, I can make myself NUTS trying to figure him out, and I can make myself better by working the program, and I can let go. Lily I have found that sometimes the best and only way to hold on to those we love is just to let them go, give them a chance to be who they need to be and figure out what they really want. I am glad today that EXABF called it quits when he did.......before I invested even more of myself in something that wasn't what I thought it was. I deserve the best!!! Took me a long time to figure that out, and SO DO YOU and your family. Just keep coming back, try and get to a F2F meeting-you would be surprised how you will feel afterward....... It really does work if you work it~ Shellyj123
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I think many alcoholics can become quite narcisstic as their diseases progress. The issue with me was the more grandiose he became the less my self esteem was.
Clearly for me boundaries were never in place in the first place.
I live around alcoholics now and it is so different to be living around them rather than living with them. There is a definite progression it can be quite alarming. They all get worse. Some alcoholics do manage not to destroy those around them but its not the common theme.
I hope you wil avail yourself of all the support you can get.
What you are feeling is normal for what you are going thru... We all in one form or another in dealing with our own "A's" have had many of those feelings as well.. I know you heard it a thousand times, and I know it sounds so simple, but when they first told me I had to make my life about "Me"..I thought? Heck...Isn't that what I been doing... Me/Us of course... But know... It doesn 't mean don't love them, it doesn't mean you have to give up your marrieage, it means: Get up every day, and think of Possitive thing to do for yourself that will make you smile...It means, think everytime you are about to do something, Is this about ME or is this For HIM...If he is giving no remorse, no love, no caring, and alot of blame... What are you doing? In your post you spoke ALOT About "For Him, His Feelings, His trip" well what about what you can do to get you in a better place, and if he leaves in 3 weeks, well go to your HP and you will be fine, if he stays, get all the knowledge that is giving here, and take what feels right, and put it to use so that you can live a life of happiness either way, with or with out him.... If he wants a decission about were he is going to be in 3 weeks, let him make that decission... As you should make the one that best fits you! You Can do this.... We All Can if we "Let Go & Let God" because it "Only works if you work it"....
Friends in Recovery.... Missing...
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
