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I received several responses to my post about EXABF showing up at my work to deliver a birthday card yesterday and am thankful for all the input. I do however have a question.....I feel that when I told him that we needed to have no contact that that was setting a pretty FIRM boundary. YES I did contact him afterward-via email-to complete some step work ONLY and was VERY CLEAR about that. YES I do still have feelings for him and I am sure he is aware of that, but now is not the time to act on any of those feelings, which is why I had set the no contact boundary-to work on me and give him some time to do some soul searching also, to prevent myself any future hurt from this man. So HOW is him coming in to my job-where I HAVE to be-a result of me not setting a firm enough boundary? I mean I have been at my job for 11 yrs, and I do have a VERY short fuse, but to flip right out about my boundary settting as soon as he entered the lobby, where my office is, would not be beneficial to anyone at the time. So how am I not being firm enough and ALLOWING him to overstep my boundarys??? By showing up to work in a PUBLIC office??????? I just dont get how it has anything to do with me not being firm enough in it all. I was very firm when I set my boundary of no contact and told him how I felt.....other than causing a scene where I work I don't think there was anything I could have done otherwise. Now it is my time to deal with my feelings on all of it, and yes there are feelings there, but I am trying my hardest to follow my HP's will for me and right now the answer I am getting is just to wait....... thanks for letting me share........
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
For me, it's a two-step process. First, I set the boundary and then, I have to enforce it or else it is meaningless.
So, he came to the office. Okay. That was his choice and out-of-your control. The question is how did you enforce the boundary after he showed up? And, what did you learn about the situation that might help you enforce the boundariy differently in the future?
Remember that you are human and it is all about progress, not perfection.
I would encourage you to look at the incident as a learning tool and to think about what worked and what didn't work. Do you need to try something different to enforce your boundary? Are you really committed to enforcing that particular boundary? Are you trying to force solutions? Are you trying to cause any particulary outcome with that boundary?
I don't know any of the answers to those questions and it is really none of my business. You have to do what is right for you.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Shelly: There is no criticism of you in the boundary issue. Sometimes boundaries have to be reinforced. I have said not one word to my exA boyfriend for a year, he still calls. I still don't answer, no matter what I do not speak to him.
So I look to reinforcement of the boundary personally. There are some people I go way way out of my way to avoid. I have to put my phone on shut down sometimes to shut the a out, if he gets wind I am on the phone, he'll call to interrupt. I have choices to make. I choose not to deal with him, that is indeed a very firm boundary. I can no way control the A but I can control my boundary.
There is no easy way around boundaries. Sometimes we tell people this is a firm one and they go to the other extreme do all they can to push them. Some people I have had to cut completely out of my life when they do that.
I have limits of course you cannot make a scene at work but you can say cooly I am very busy and I cannot talk to you now. There are options.
Boundaries are not hard and fast sometimes we have to reinforce, reinforce, make choices we don't like and hold onto them.
No one here is saying anything about you do or don't do boundaries 'right'. There is no "right" there is choices, many of which none of us like.
I just wanted to add one more thing. Your anger at the A violating your boundaries is valid, totally valid and a good cue your boundaries are being pushed. For me the anger is a indication that I have to reassess the boundaries. I couple that with detachment. There is absolutely no way I will let the A goad me into speaking to him so I go out of my way not to.
So while the ex A calls often (sometimes daily) his ability to affect me is zero. Before he totally overwhelmed my life. Now I am behind the boundaries and what's more I am detached from his drama. I have no idea what he is doing in his life and I really work on not knowing because I need to not know.
Over involvement is a complex thing. We can only ask people to treat us with respect so many times before we have to look to our boundaries. I allowed the ex A to violate my boundaries for years, he probably thinks by some hook of crook he can violate them again, but he can't since I got a restraining order and other things against him. At the same time, until I am in a position to change my phone number I'm in no way able to stop him calling. When he does call however i don't answer, ignore them and delete the messages without listening to them. Pretty soon I will change my phone number without a forwarding number (which is a real issue for me) and that will be it. No more phone calls! I have to be in a place in my lfe to do that and I'm working towards that.
None of us "get" boundaries" over night they are a long long road. Be open to mistakes, be open to suggestions, be open to understanding you have very little control over others but you can control (a) how you respond and (b) how much you interact with them. Maresie.
Hi Shelly!! You set the boundary and you meant it and he came anyway. That has happened to me also. So I keep my boundary and if another person crosses over it, I reset it. I don't expain it again unless I want to get into the mix again. I restate it and sometimes will ask for a clarification from the "border jumper" that they heard and understand.
Keep it simple for you. There are people who do believe we "now" mean what we say and are saying what we mean. I'm a helpful kinda guy in the natural and when I say "no more" they hear "no more for now". Others will ring the buzzer after a while and want to know if I can be available at their convience after a while. When I say not now...I mean not NOW at the moment. I want my own space uninterrupted for the moment. If the boundary is that they don't come into my space bringing negative junk along behind them I will say that explicitly. Some friends and family question my wants and needs but only once or twice and then they don't cross the line.
If you are meaning not EVER there are all sorts of legal devices to use if others don't take you seriously. It can get very weird.
Hey, Shellyj... I just had a thought on boundaries... maybe we need to have an invisible boundary that no one else can see, but we know it is there even if the person who may be crossing it is standing right in front of us. Hmmm, does that make any sense to you? It is just an image that I got. Tootles.
Is it possible that, when you contacted him via email, he felt that negated the "no contact", even though you feel you were clear about it?
Is it possible he wants to change your mind, and tried to find a situation that would work towards that result for him? work = you can't (he feels) get all mad at him birthday = he's thinking of you, so that's a nice thing card = same, plus he actually went out of his way to get it for you, so that's some SERIOUS points. This could all be him testing the true limits of your boundary.
Did you accept the card? If so, that could be YOU not upholding the boundary. Upholding the boundary would be, "It's sweet of you to think of me, but I actually really meant it when I said I could not have any contact at all right now, and I can't accept the card. I have to go to the bathroom now, bye."
(I know it's one thing to think of all this stuff after the fact; much harder to think of it in the moment. That's why we say it takes practice; baby steps; & progress, not perfection. You ARE making progress, you know; it's just usually slower than we'd like.)
My ESH on the boundary issue is the boundary is only as good as my strength to uphold it. AND my A will test EVERY boundary until it is reinforced. He will take a mile if I give an inch. Thinkstomuch has a good point, did you accept the card, were you polite, aloof, was there a way to go hide in the bathroom and have a coworker say you were "out" or busy? Just my take on it, to keep MY boundaries in line I have to reinforce them with my A.
Julie
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Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.
Winddancer you are so right about A's testing every boundary and taking every inch they can get. And I haven't had an opportunity to reinforce my boundaries since this morning. Hahaha. No matter how long he's been sober, no matter how long I've had the same boundary, no matter I hard I work my program and stay outta his bidness, he keeps trying. I think it's just the nature of the beast.
Thanks to my HP, I can now shrug and laugh and keep going, MOST of the time. Thank God for these rooms.
I just had a quick random thought about our A's testing our boundaries - the visual that popped into my head was from the movie Jurassic Park where the velociraptors are testing the limits of their electrified enclosure!
That's what it sure feels like sometimes - like there's a wild vicious creature just bursting at the seams to get at me!!
Thank you all so very much for the ESH and shares on boundary setting. I can see where I could have done more possibly, depending on some things. However I am still working on things and it is a slow process at times. I had no idea that sober A's could be so defiant at times of what matters to us. Thanks again and keep coming back!
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
