Reaching my limit - Al-Anon Family Group

MrFrustrated · Newbie

Reaching my limit

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Congratulations on getting here. There is much you can do, lots of skills to learn and ways to deal with what you have in front of you. Loving someone too much was certainly a huge part of my issue.

I hope that you will choose to embrace this program go to meetings (there are two here twice a day in the chat room). You can also go to face to face meetings in your community.

One of the definitions of alcoholism is that they keep drinking despite the consequences. Denial is a huge part of the issue. We can do much to end the denail but most of all we can work on ourselves.

Whatever happens you can survive with grace and dignity. Many many people here will be able to attest that their A's got into sobriety and life is infinitely better, some will say the A got sober and relapsed but things are still better, there are numerous variations on the story. There are also those of us who have left and gone on with our lives. We come in all shapes and sizes. Most of all what you will hear here is your story and how others overcame enormous obstacles.

I'm glad you are here.

Maresie.

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

(((MrFrustrated)))

I can hear your pain in this post. Welcome to MIP. I really cannot offer much ESH to you as the A in my life is my son. i do have a sister who also has a drinking problem and it breaks my heart to know that she is traveling down this path that so many in my family have gone.

It is great that you have reached out for help for you. You will not believe the support that you will find in Alanon. We all love our family members that are alcoholics. You may find that you can have compassion for your wife and just be there to support her after you learn to take care of yourself and to detach from the A behavior. It's not easy but can be done.

I hope you keep coming back and also attend a face to face meeting. Miracles can happen.

Gail

sweeetr · Senior Member

your wife sounds like my abf... someone put on here.. love was never the issue.. i agreee... sometimes i feel pentalized for loving too much... i am feeling better as i realize i and my life isnt crazy...others have the same life and issues ... keep coming here for venting and help... these are awesome people and they understand where were coming from...

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Mrfrustrated,

I can relate to you 100%. I have been in your shoes, and I still walk in your shoes. My AW is still and active alcoholic, and goes to at least 6 AA meetings each week. You and I have so much in common. I understand why you dread coming home each day not knowing which person will meet you at the door. It will make you crazy. It is also affecting you even more than you are aware. You probably realize that you have no control over your AW's drinking. You wonder why the next morning she never appologies for things she said to you the night before. Do you ever feel like you are going to explode? Why can't she just stop her drinking before you leave or your marriage is completely destroyed.

The answer is because she has the disease of alcoholism, and it has no cure. It is described as cunning, baffling, and powerful. You did not cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure ot. It takes over a persons life and becomes the most important thing in their life. I have accepted that I am not #1 in my AW's life. That is not her fault, "It Is The Disease". I love my wife and hate the damn disease. You said the same thing in your post only in different words.

As I stated earlier we have much in commom. Yet, we have one major difference. 2 1/2 years ago I walked through the doors of Al-Anon and went to my first face 2 face meeting in my home town. I go to meetings twice a week. I have made the program a part of my life. I could, like lots of others find any number of reasons to not go to the meetings each week. I'm busy, run my own wholesale clothing business, work 6 days every week and sometimes 7, but I made Al-Anon a priority in my life. The program is for "you" not the A in your life. I learned the tools of the program and they have made my life better, and me a better person. Guess what? Because I use the tools and work the program my A has seen a change in me and how I react to the same situations in and entirely different way. I now know how to save my serenity. One tool of many is to use the "Three Magic Words"-------You might be right------- when I can see that a discussion may be leading to a argument. You might have noticed that A's love to argue. LOL. No need to fight a battle you can't win. (serenity saved)

In the program I learned the many ways to detach, I learned the true meaning of acceptance. I learned how to take care of myself "FIRST". That is the most important thing I learned. The bottom line is the program taught me how to "UNLEARN" all the things I had tried that were not working. I no longer step out in front of that powerful train (Alcoholism), it ran over me every single time.

I could go on and on, but if you want to do the very best thing you can do for yourself, start going to f2f Al-Anon meetings as soon as you can. You will never regret it, and your life will change for the better, your AW will see the changes in you. Others members in that room will welcome you with open arms, will never judge you, and will give you their experience, strength and hope (ESH), because they dealing with or have dealt with the same problems that are now making your life miserable.

Al-Anon works if you work it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Keep comong back,

RLC

-- Edited by RLC at 18:33, 2009-02-03

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Mr. Frustrated!!

Welcome to MIP. Your post brings all the memories back and I am glad
you are here so that we can love and support you so you won't feel
alone anymore.   Where can you go from here? What worked for me
was finding my way into the Al-Anon Family Groups and attending face
to face meetings with others including men, who had been where I was
and learned how to change things for themselves.

Look in the white pages of your local telephone book and find the hot
line number to Al-Anon and call that number for the meetings and times
of meetings in your area. Sometimes there is a live person there to talk
with also as there was for me.

Sounds like your wife's counselor is practicing a detachment with
conditions. You might want to ask others here who also practice(d)
detachment and how it worked for them. The conditions are reasonable
and she won't be the only alcoholic that ever was face with that.

Continue to love her unconditionally. She is suffereing from a life threatening
disease that if not arrested by total abstinence can be and often is
fatal. So regardless of how she treats you, she is not bad but very
sick. That awareness helped save my peace of mind for a long time.
Its okay not to react to or give any power to what the alcoholic says
or does or for that matter take it personally. Its not real and most
often they are taking out on others what they are feeling about themselves.
You have the awareness of when your wife is present and when your
alcoholic is present. If you learn when to tell the difference you will also
learn a bit of what the program calls "acceptance".   Acceptance is a
peace of mind and serenity tool and can greatly reduce the anger and
or rage you might feel while the disease is running.   It is only about
accepting the fact of alcoholism in your life and family...not the crap it
leaves when it is running.

Now go to your phone book and find that number. Keep coming back
here and get as very much as you can about the disease of alcoholism
as you can. Much of it can be free and found at our meetings.

(((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F at 19:08, 2009-02-03

-- Edited by Jerry F at 19:09, 2009-02-03

Sincerely · Senior Member

I am sorry for your pain. I relate to so much you are feeling right now. Instead of my emotions managing me, I working on managing my emotions. My Husband is the A in my life. Right now, I am only strong enough to get through the next 10 minutes. That is my goal....only the next 10 minutes. When I start thinking about how much more can I handle..it overwhelms me....I am strong enough to get through the next 10 minutes! And who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll take it 20 minutes at at time, but for right now...its only the next 10 minutes.

Alcholism is a progressive disease. BUT we are blessed with a PROGRESSIVE program called Alanon. And when we progress with Alanon, we get stronger, healthier and better.

Hugs,
Tonya

MrFrustrated · Newbie

I appreciate the replies and the warm welcome all. It's good to just see that I'm not the only one. In my heart I know I'm not, but sometimes it's hard to see what your heart knows when what you feel is blocking the view...
Today was one of those days. By this evening she had slept the demon off and my wife was back. I'm very slowly learning the control of my emotions, I've started to recognize when it's heading south and, as was said above, do my best not step in front of the train.
The acceptance part I think will be the toughest. I have never allowed myself to just accept that something is the way it is...I don't think I know how to do that.

Al-Anon meetings may be tough for me to get to right now due to my VERY odd schedule, but I'm going to try.

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello, I too sense your pain and your struggle. ((((hugs))))

I'm also a 'newbie'

I am finding that if spend a little time each day reading the posts here I feel calmer and more hopeful. One of the sayings I find pertinent is 'take what you need and leave the rest'... and it's working at the moment for me. Day at a time.

My son (32) is the A in my life and it's a long bumpy road

I accepted the fact he had this illness as soon as it reared it's ugly head. His acceptance took much much longer.

I saw the early signs, I'm not new to alcoholism....there is another family member who is A .....he is sober today and has been for 8 years.. (HOPE)
It's funny, when I look back at how his illness progressed I used to say to his Mother....''let him go to help himself....you're not helping him''.
Then I go and do all the same things myself......yes it's certainly cunning, baffling and powerful this disease.

Acceptance wasn't the problem for me but detachment was.

I've spent years either running around like a headless chicken trying here there and everywhere to fix him or doing my ostrich impression...bury my head in the sand and it'll all go away and be ok.....NOT!

I am now detached from his illness, it's an ongoing process but one I'm happy to work at as the benefits are beginning to show.

I love my son with all my heart, always have, always will.

I have let him go to take control of 'his illness'......I fear he is falling at the moment but I continue to have hope.

I have found that reading this http://www.lakesidemilam.com/DiseaseOfAddictionExpandedOverview.htm
has taught me a little bit about the disease which in turn brought compassion.
My current 'tool' is
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Love Ness

BrianS · Member

Hello MrFrustrated,

I to feel your pain! This is all new for me as well. My AW came out of the closet in September 08 and admitted she had a problem. She then said she would start backing off the sauce, well that did not happen. Christmas came and went, it's like we didn't have a holiday

. She then agreed to check herself into rehab where things were going great. Ten days after getting out she relapsed and deverted to drugs disbelief

. Now she has been suspended from work pending review, however she still does not get it. Her career is on the line. It has been and still is living hell for me. I try very hard to help her and to get her help but she won't let me or her family in. I have been trying to find an Al-Anon meeting in my area for six weeks now and not having good luck. I have been atending an online meeting/chat room for the past ten days and that certainly has helped. Here is the web site www.12stepforums.net , I also just found this number to call for meeting locations, 1-888-425-2666 option #3, you can call M-F 8am to 6pm eastern time. Hope this will help. Take care and work the STEPS!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Where do I go from here ? to an al anon group I hope , those of us who love alcoholics are enablers , we continue to believe the lies , we cover up thier mistakes we pay thier bills and make excuses for thier crappy behavior over and over again . Until we stop doing those things absolutley nothing will change , except it will only get worse . In our literature it talks about the well meaning attempts to stop the drinking that always fail were doomed to fail because we are trying to solve a problem that has nothing to do with us . WE are not the reason they drink regardless of what they say , were simply not that powerful but this disease is . Step aside and let her grow up ,change your attitude about what is going on in your home accept her as she is and get your life back . Taking the focus off the alcoholic is not easy I know obsession is hard to let go of , as long as were obsessed with someone elses life we have none of our own .Stop trying to save her from herself , step aside and allow her the dignity to hit bottom Al-Anon will show u how to do that with dignity for both of you detach with love and let her go where she needs to go. Louise

wildthang86 · Senior Member

Mr. Frustrated, welcome to MIP. We have all felt the same pain you are going through in one form or another. I am so glad you found us and reached out. Here you can vent your frustrations, share you conerns, and ask questions that to others may seem completely insane and someone here will understand and be able to share their experience with you. It is a tough road and I have to admit that one of the most difficult things I finally learned, but have to continue to work on, is to take care of myself. I ceratinly can't rely on my AH to do that, not on a consistent basis. I have reached out here many times to just vent and get things off my chest that otherwise would just eat me up inside. I found that just letting them out allowed me the space, in my mind, to cut myself come slack. I also have a BIL who is an alcoholic. Both are highly funtional alcoholics. Both have totalled vehicles, just within the past 3 months. Luckily neither had other vehicles involved and both were able to escape "the law". Both were remorseful for very short periods of time. My AH didn't even stop drinking, as he said he would. As far as I am concerned anything he says are just words until I see true real actions. Otherwise I find myself getting sucked into drama. Drama which stressed me out and changes nothing. He is never effected by the drama the way I am. I just got really sick of being the one who "suffered" from his drinking. He seems oblivious to it all. So long story, that is ongoing, I came here and reached out. I went to the meetings offered online, found many others who reached right back out to me. With support and YES unconditonal love and understanding. I hope that you keep coming back and learn some tools to help you cope. Good luck to you.

MrFrustrated · Newbie

The biggest fear for me is our kids. They are teens now, but still young. I'm military and not home much. It kills me to hear them on the phone, knowing that I can't help them deal with her fits of confusion. To be honest, they probably handle it better than I do, but that doesn't make it easier. Sometimes I feel like such a crappy dad. I have a duty to both them and my job, and without my job (forgetting the fact that I am under contractual obligations) we'd be in far worse shape than we are.
AHHHHHHHRRRGGHHH! I hate being in this position! No matter what I do I feel like I'm short changing my kids, my job and my wife. I am strong, and I can do this, but God, sometimes I just want to bang my head into a wall until either the skull. or the bricks one, cry mercy!

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mr. Frustrated:

Just wanted to let you know that you are certainly not alone in the boat! My AH of 35 years went to a 30-day rehab back in Aug. '08. I can't count how many times he had relapsed, lied, denied and changes into a totally different person when he drinks.

Coming home every night is not something to look forward to. Is he drinking? Is he awake or crashed on the sofa or bed?

Your subject line "Reaching my limit" caught my eye, because that is where I am at, and he is well aware of it.

Regarding your children: We raised two sons, both in their early thirities. They were affected by their dad's drinking, especially during their teens. In the long run, however, they have not been as adversely affected as most would think. In fact, because of their background, they are relatively quite mature for their age and quite strong young men. Unfortunately, we can't protect our children from the negativity of life. They are resilent. So don't beat yourself up, for it does no good. Do the opposite and take good care of you; this is an opporutnity to model for your children how to handle adversity. I realize having an alcoholic parent is a heck of a way to learn to navigate life; we all want better for our children. But life is messy.

Please don't beat yourself up!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.