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Hi I am new here. Just needed to share my problems and need help and advice please. I am really in a dark place right now. I have been married for 16yrs and my recovering alcoholic husband is drinking again for the millionth time after I have discovered he has been having an affair. He drank in October for 7 weeks on end that is the longest he has been drinking at one time. He has attended AA for 20yrs but still goes back to the bottle!! I have stuck by him for all these years, had so much heartache. Went through IVF to have our gorgeous little boy who is nearly 5 but this affair I can't get over it, found out for certain last Thursday. I am writing to you now while he is sleeping since 2pm after taking tablets saying once again he is going to stop. My parents have been wonderful to him over the years helping him but they don't understand now, why am I even speaking to him neither do I. My little boy and I are staying with my parents because I don't want him to see his dad like he is. On one hand I wish I could let go and walk away and start again, I feel my life is passing me by, not so easyto let go but why not???? Any advice appreciated, thanks Smile04
You are in the right place being here. Can you get a copy of Getting them Sober (the book is available at the top of this page).
Can you possibly get to a meeting, we have them here twice a day. I know very much what it is to stay with someone and stick it out and feel defeated. I've been there, many of us have.
There are numerous tools in Al anon that can help. Of course no one wants to learn tools when we feel all the problems in the world are caused by someone else! Detaching is so helpful. Getting busy is very helpful in working on your own life. What is it you want besides the alcoholic getting better? What can you focus on which will take your mind off the train wreck that is going on in front of you. I know full well how hard that is to do.
There are many many wonderful people in this room. I know you will feel welcome here. I hope you will stay and start to enjoy a new way of life.
Sounds like you are experiencing the progressive nature of the disease of alcoholism - it gets worse unless and until the alcoholic completely stops "feeding" the disease, ie stops drinking.
You mention his longtime attendance at AA meetings, but not Alanon meetings for yourself - I know it sounds goofy when you're not the one with the drinking problem, but most of us here have found that meeetings help us to recover from the EFFECTS of living with alcoholism - effects just like those you describe. Not incidentally, healing yourself from those effects will have a wonderful effect on your little boy, who will have the example of an emotionally healthy mommy as a model.
You can use the "search" button in the burgundy task bar above - look for "new here" or something along those lines, & see if you recognize yourself in any of those others, and hear things that may be helpful to you too.
Above all you are not alone - I hope you keep coming back.
OH SMILE! ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) My prayers go out to you and your little boy. My A Hubby and I don't have any children and I so desperately want a child. We too will have to go through IVF. I'm okay, but the years of abuse have cause my husband to have a fertility issue. It happens. So many people tell me that our relatonship is not the one to bring a child into and that they think this is the reason why HP has not blessed us with a child. We have been together for the last 10 years. But today or right now is not the time for he and I to have a child, it may never be.
After being sober 3 1/2 years, my husband started drinkng and had an affair too. The pain was tremoundous. It was the first deep cut in our relationship. I knew I had to forgive for my sake! It was hard, but through faith I was able to lift that heavy burden from my chest. The burden was the hurt I was carrying around. It is great that you are at your parents. Soak up every minute of the love and comforts of home. Let your baby get spoiled with love from his Grandparents. Stay in today! Stay in the next 10 minutes only if you have too. It's these trials that make us stonger and allow us to heal. Take care of you and your little boy. HP will take care of the rest. Sincerely, Tonya
Thank you Tonya so much. I always thought the same as you about HP didn't think that we should have a child but I truly believe our little boy is a gift from God, he is our little miracle. I hope one day you will be blessed as well. Right now I feel that I am in a very dark place. I am at home tonight while my mum and dad look after our little boy. My husband has taken tablets yet againg saying he has stopped drinking,now sleeping. I feel so alone, confused and depressed. I don't really know why I am staying here like a Florence Nightingale!! Do I still love him??? Easier if I didn't. So so hard, but finding Al Anon online is very comforting. Thanks
{{Welcome}}. Keep coming back to the forum. Finding out I am not alone, not crazy and there is hope for me whether my AH he drinks or not, whether I stay or not has bought back hope into my life. Real hope as opposed to the false unstable hope I have clung onto everytime he promises to stop.
I am sure your little boy is a gift from God, I believe all children are and he will give you the courage and the inspiration to focus on yourself and your health as my daughter has for me.
No-one can tell you to stay or go, you will be able to make your own decision on that when you are in the right place yourself. It is inspiring to me that there are people here on this forum who have stayed and those that have left but both are working with their HP to bring joy into their own lives regardless.
Smile, my experience has been it is better for me not to be there where he is in self-destruct mode. He cannot appreciate me being there, it is not good for me, it serves no useful purpose and my daughter needs me more. We often stay at his mum's (God bless her she is a rock!) or we go out and do something fun. If I have to be at home then I come here. That for me has been instrumental in detachment and I have had some really great new experiences too getting out and about.
Hi Ickle Lynnie, Thanks. I am trying to detach when he is on self-destruct mode, not easy. I haven't stayed at home tonight, I am in my mum and dads. He rang me earlier and said that he had fallen and hurt his nose on the kitchen table and it wouldn't stop bleeding!!! Typical when I am not there. Two years ago when he was drinking he collapsed in our kitchen and was in intensive care on a life support machine, this frightened him but obviously not enough, he stayed sober for two years. Detaching is so so hard. I really do need my life back, me back!!!! don't know who that is anymore!!!!!! Hugs xxx Smile 04
Gosh it must be so hard to detach having been through that with him.
I don't take my AH's calls if he's 'on one', I find it just upsets me and drags me into his self-destruction. If he can call me then he can call an ambulance if he needs one and I know that he takes better care of himself if he knows that I'm not there to rescue him.
Tonight he has gone out with work friends. I asked him to arrange to stay elsewhere and he refused because "I'm only having a few" (Despite the fact he had been sober, is going to AA and agreed not to drink again). But I've been here before and knowing his promises mean nothing so I have arranged for my daughter and myself to stay with a friend.
The good news is that you can get your life back whatever he does, you can find peace and joy in your own life whether you stay with him or not.
Stick with the forum and check out the 12 steps forum too. This is great if you are new to the programme. I am finding that by working the 12 steps in my own life I am becoming me again.
Keep sharing and talking, it is great to be here for each other.
Gosh it is hard isn't it, so glad I am here, because I feel so alone right now today has been really bad. He hadn't fallen last night, instead his other woman had been there all night and she was there when I went there this morning. He had stopped since midnight. Instead of attending to our business today I stayed at home because she was there. He told he was leaving me for her!, he is in love with her!! Really hurt me. I don't think his mind is clear at the moment. I told him thanks a bunch, it was me that has loved him for who he is cleaned up his mess and gone through heartache with him. In support of his illness I haven't drank for years, she drinks every night!!! Has 2 little children who would move into my home with her and him!!!! I then decided to go away for the weekend with my little boy, out of character for me or is it??? becuase I have done what he wants when he wants for years! Anyway didn't go away because family and friends said I shouldn't leave my home, but I am not there, I am still in my mum and dads. He called me earlier to say that we need to sort out the seperation, but he then also said he still had feelings for me!! Couldn't talk for long because she was coming back for the night and she would give him a row for talking to me, he said!!! So sorry for going on and on just needed to vent things. I am so confused, I am angry that I didn't go away now. I don't know if I want him back or not! On one hand I think we have a lot of history together and then I think of the freedom I would have to start living!! So, so confused and depressed. Many thanks, Hugs & Prayers to all. Smile xx
So sorry to hear how sad you are. I too have stopped drinking 'for him'. My heart goes out to you.
You will find your smile again.
Keep coming back, keep sharing, look for happiness in each moment. Today I have kept depression at bay by taking an hours walk in the snow and the sunshine with my dog and now I'm off the the pictures. I cannot solve the mess of our relationship and my feelings about it today, I can only make the most of the day and avoid him as much as possible.
I cannot hope to have a converstaion with him that acheives anything except confusion, depression and doubt and at the moment I just want to 'punish him' for the way he has made me feel. Thank God I have the board to come and talk to instead! When I am stronger I can take decisions about the future but for now I will just do whatever it takes to enjoy today.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience, 16yrs of support through recovery is so long. Smile, You are amazing for everthing you have given, you will find your own path and strength.
I have this in my inbox and it helps me when the clouds gather and I don't feel that I can cope. Hope that it helps you too.
JUST FOR TODAY I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.
JUST FOR TODAY I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct, and accept those things I cannot.
JUST FOR TODAY I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.
JUST FOR TODAY I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.
JUST FOR TODAY I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I'm overweight, I will eat healthfully-if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.
JUST FOR TODAY I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.
For so long it has been all about him but my recovery starts here, now it is all about me.
Hi Lyn, Thanks so much, I try to tell myself one day at a time. Glad you had a nice day. I have been out in the snow as well. Went to check on A husband and he was drinking again and wanted me to have some with him!!! He said I was boring for not having one!!! I told home I haven't drank for years in support of him, but I did have some wine last night, for me and felt good about myself for doing so!! He wants our son and I back home now, I told him no not until he stops and the other woman moves back home, which is 200miles away, she is living in the same village at the moment because she moved here to work in our company which she is one of the directors!!!! What a mess!!!! He rang me earlier saying she hadn't been there today but had rung him and sent text messages which he hadn't replied to or returned her calls, he didn't want to. Basically I don't know where I am with him, thats all I know, is I want to go back home and him sober for us to talk properly and for our little boy to be back in his own home again. Sorry for going on again, but being here does help me a lot, thanks again. Thinking of you, hugs and prayers.Smile04 xxx
Glad to hear that you are beginning to live for you. The glass of wine is symbolic!
This is definitely the place to 'go on' - keep coming back. If I didn't have a place to come and talk I would go crazy.
Film was excellent. Heartily recommend "Slumdog Millionaire" for escapism. Beautiful story, if I'd had the money I would have watched it again. For 2 blessed hours I didn't hink about AH.
I feel for you in the games your AH is playing. For so long I have been wanting things to be ok and it has eaten away at me. When AH first started to 'relapse' from sobriety 3 months ago, I figured I should just be patient and he would find his footing again. I now know that it only took a moment for him to slip but it will take years for him and us to recover to the place where (I thought) we were and there is no other woman involved that I know of (although I have had my suspicions). It seems so unfair.
Smile, I hear your pain and your desire to 'rescue' your life, I also know that I can't advise you what to do but my ESH is that when my AH is active he is toxic to himself and to me and that there is nothing I can do to rescue things. I must protect myself from his BS and stay away (that often means in the next room) and not let him mess with my head.
Today I have found it harder to chase the clouds away. I have come to accept that we need to seperate and that it is unlikely I can 'risk' living with him again until my daughter has left home as I cannot put her through this again. It breaks my heart that I cannot have what I want.
Keep coming back, keep 'going on', and keep being my inspiration and hope. You are amazing for the love and support you continue to show your husband.
Working the 12 steps is helping me so much so accept the situation as it is, to find my own peace and serenity and to change what I cannot accept.
Hugs and Prayers, Smile. Give yourself space and time to heal from the hurt you are feeling.
Hi I am new here. Just needed to share my problems and need help and advice please. I am really in a dark place right now. I have been married for 16yrs and my recovering alcoholic husband is drinking again for the millionth time after I have discovered he has been having an affair. He drank in October for 7 weeks on end that is the longest he has been drinking at one time. He has attended AA for 20yrs but still goes back to the bottle!! I have stuck by him for all these years, had so much heartache. Went through IVF to have our gorgeous little boy who is nearly 5 but this affair I can't get over it, found out for certain last Thursday. I am writing to you now while he is sleeping since 2pm after taking tablets saying once again he is going to stop. My parents have been wonderful to him over the years helping him but they don't understand now, why am I even speaking to him neither do I. My little boy and I are staying with my parents because I don't want him to see his dad like he is. On one hand I wish I could let go and walk away and start again, I feel my life is passing me by, not so easyto let go but why not???? Any advice appreciated, thanks Smile04
I really do need my life back, me back!!!! don't know who that is anymore!!!!!!