The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son has been in living in a 3/4 house per the outcome of his last court date. We were thrilled that the court sent him there. He had a release date set for Feb 8 with a return to court date Feb 10. Visitation has not been permitted, and phone use (severly) limited.
I have been working my program really hard. Attend great meetings with other parents. I surprise my self with what I have learned. Caretaking for one. Normally I'd have found tons of things that I would have thought that I needed to "take care of" for my son while he was there.
At first detaching was hard, but I kept working my program. If I take care of things then I deprive him of the opportunity to grow. I deprive him of the opportunity to need and reach out to his HP. I kept reminding myself that I needed to do the opposite of my "mom instinct". If it hurt/worried/annoyed me - all the more reason to let it go and not do anything! It did slowly get easier.
Him being at the 3/4 house with such limited contact really has helped me detach. I didn't realize how many times a day we talked on the phone or IM'd! Whew!
Well today, he did call us. He said that he has learned alot but that he still has more work to do...AND PLANS TO STAY ANOTHER MONTH! He is working out the details with the court and facility. You'd have to know my son to know how amazing that is. I mean it would really be easier for him to continue to couch surf locally. They perform testing there, so he's under the microscope. Plus he is doing this in advance of his release date?! He doesn't plan anything, he is a huge last minute procrastinator.
Don't get me wrong, I am keeping my expectations in check. It took him at least 3 years for things to get this bad. So I know things have not turned around in couple of months. It will take him a couple of years to clean up his mess. He may even slip up again. But for today, the light bulb is on, his awareness of what he needs is there along with the willingness to work it. I am grateful that he has recieved this gift from his HP (once I got out of the way!) I am grateful for the gifts my HP has bestowed on me: detachment & peace.
Good for you for working your program. We have to take care of ourselves. I want to "take care" of my son but it is just enabling. Many times he neer asks; I just want to take care to avoid the aftermath of his decisions. Letting go is very empowering. Hope I get there.
I really like your perspective when you say "it took 3 years for things to get this bad" as if its a special moment and you know what? IT IS- its far more important than a special event or occasion like a wedding, etc. Its a great perspective, I think because its really THE most important moment in an A's life- an anniversary of far greater seriousness and value than any other!!! Its the greatest accomplishment to hit bottom, because its the hallowed moment when the lightbulb finally goes off...the embodiment of God directly connecting with the A! Hugs, J.
