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I came to the conclusion today that I am not nice to my aH. And I haven't been for years. He brought this to light this morning (and many times before) but today I've been thinking a lot about this. He's absolutely right.
Before our separation I could talk to him on the phone, think of him through the day and be able to have very fond thoughts of him and our life. I could even convince myself that it was all going to be okay. But when I would arrive home it is almost like a switch in me would turn on and I'd have a large attitude of irritation toward him...he didn't put the dishes away, he cooked fish and it stinks, he didn't get done what I thought he should, the floors were dirty, what have you. Sometimes it would be that he was drinking, most times it was just that he was breathing
I still have that. When I am not around him I tend to do much better with myself and my "program" and my life. I find it easier to live life pleasantly. I will set eyes on him and I become someone else. My mood goes dark. My stomach hurts, my body tenses, my movements and actions become quick and deliberate. And I find it impossible to just be nice.
He will come to the house to watch our son with a lovely, "good morning!" and it's all i can do to muster out a quick, "hi" And the temptation to argue, be short, be insulting, be down right mean sometimes gets the better of me, of course resulting in both of us feeling worse than necessary.
I think about why this might be and I come up with the following:
-to be nice to him feels like I forgive him for all the pain and disappointment I feel, and I DON'T. I don't forgive him. I want to, but I don't. -to be nice to him feels like I am inviting him back into my life -to be nice to him feels like I am putting myself out there to be hurt by him again
I want to be nice, because I dislike myself as one who is mean to him. I dislike my attitude, my stance, my anger, my resentments and my insults onto him. But it's like I just don't know how to be nice.
It sounds like it would be a simple solution. "Rora ... just BE nice." But for a long time, I just can't bring myself to it.
The other side of this is that I love him. I love him so so much. But I can very much relate to what another poster on here said along the lines of "loving the A was never the issue".
I would really love to hear some ESH from you all.
Woo, Rora, it is hard to be nice when one has been hurt so much. I would see if there is a way to express all those negative feelings and past hurts.... a letter, a journal, a sponsor, a face to face conversation, a conversation with a photograph...? Maybe then the anger won't be so much at the surface of your interactions with him. Hmmmmm.
Rora, I think that you have, for me, described the disease that WE have. "Affected by someone elses drinking"
I could have written your post, to be honest.
I got divorced. For me, there was no other option because he got violent. I also WANTED to get violent, I wanted to hurt him, too. My dear sweet husband at the time- sick, sick, sick husband (now ex) who I loved so much but neither of us got program so we both actively killed that marriage (instead of each other, I might add). We both very very actively killed that marriage.
This how cunning, baffling and powerful the disease of alcoholism is. This is why we (and the alcoholics in our lives) really only have 3 choices. Get program, go insane or die. Its really that serious, really.
I am sorry that I have no ESH for you but I sure do know what you are talkin' about! Hugs, J.
Yes, I can identify with this, I find it hard to be nice to my father at present. He just plain irritates me too. I think its because I find it impossible to trust him and he's a user of people not just of alcohol but I need to stop taking his inventory right, and concentrate on me,
How very very honest and trusting and I can hear my early sponsor's voice again asking me another one of his questions. Okay now that you know and you know that your know...now what?
I hear the fear of... Saying "I apologize for acting like a rat to you" is not the same thing at all like, "okay it was all my fault, let's play house again." It is not even close. That is just acknowleging your part in the chaos and starting to change yourself for yourself...you are not liking yourself. You are doing and being something and someone you don't like. You can stop anytime and anytime you stop just after you have bashed the alcoholic again you can say again..."I messed up again. I apologize." Humans do good things and at times very "not-good" things and we have to let the other person off the hook and ourselves.
I was also taught that manytimes what I was complaining about in others was really a manifestation of how I was feeling about myself. That was a "deep" piece of information for me then and I really needed to stand off of myself and then look back with the comments "could be" "maybe they are right" "What's going on with me that is making me feel soooo sick"? Asking the questions wasn't healing...finding the answers to the questions was. I also learned that it was so easy and usual for me to bash my alcoholic for almost anything negative happening within me regardless of whether she had anything to do with it or not. I blamed my alcoholic for things that I held resentments about before she was even born!! Insanity!
Anyhow...just some feed back. Take what you like, leave the rest.
Rora, One thing for sure is that forgiveness doesn't mean you "O.K." or accept his past actions. Forgiveness means you won't carry the resentments and can let them be part of the past. What's the purpose of dragging old baggage with you? Bringing things in to the now is a sure fire way to keep resentments alive. The worst of it is, you are feeling the turmoil, not him. Have you ever heard the saying... "Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".
I was resentful too until it sunk in that I was only hurting myself, making myself angry and ensuring I didn't get the peace I wanted. We do have control over our thoughts and feelings are brought on by our own thoughts. I made note of when I was feeling witchy and asked myself "who am I hurting?" It obviously wasn't my husband because I was the only one that was angry and simmering.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hello Rora , well u sure rang a few bells for me with this post , there was a time when I couldnt look at my husb with out picturing a cast iron frying pan planted in the side of his head . I know today I wanted him to hurt as much or more as I did , what I didn't realize is that he was hurting . I am going to assume u arent attending al anon meetings or have a sponsor , please for all of your sakes go and go fast , wether u ever get back to gether or not the anger will kill you eventually and u will pass it on to your son . and I know u don't want to do that . Resentments and anger are like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die . As i began to work this prog and learn a little about this damn disease , I was willing to take a look at my part in the mess we had created , I had one and believe me I didn't like what I saw at all . I had shown my husb no respect for yrs , buy wanted him to respect me ? I hid behind my husb s alcoholism for along time . life was just easier that way then i didn't have to take responsibility for the things that were going wrong in our home , my attitude was if he would smarten up I would be fine . NOT SO As I began to accept responsibiliy for my part my anger towards him started to fade , I had choices all of my married life and for me I chose to let it all happen never said enough or don't talk to me that way , never offered an opinion on anything etc the list is long . He on the other hand was doing what alcoholics do drink . Your husb will never truly understand how his drinking affected you any more than u will ever understand his need to drink . Al-Anons get me they understand when no one else did . When u start to treat your husb better with the respect every human being deserve YOU will begin to feel better = forgivness takes time and alot of talking with a sponsor and tons of meetings , for you and your son please find some peace in Al-Anon u deserve to be happy . Louise
All I can say is detachment is certainly hard when someone is getting under our skin. I know for me personally being polite to certain people is impossible. Civil is about all I can manage. I can't do the chit chat with people who have been out there with me.
I know also for me that I have to start from acceptance. Many active a's are great the superficial stuff. They do very very well with it. I'm not that good at that. I am good at being loyal, kind and compassionate. The A I was with wasn't in fact I'd say the only compassion he had was always for himself.
Detaching sometimes for me means avoiding the hell out of a person.
I wish you well on your journey. Personally I think you are being rather hard on yourself. If you can muster civil I think that's a phenomenon.
