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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Didn't follow the program..need to vent
Post Info TOPIC: Didn't follow the program..need to vent
Marshmallow


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Didn't follow the program..need to vent
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Forgive me this is long..need to vent...BADLY

Stopped a AHseperated this morning.  He's in our house of 14 years.  I've quietly watched as he's let things go in the house. Watching him sink to his bottom. It's a mess.  He has the kids half the week.  It's so bad my daughter is embarrassed to have anyone over and he won't take them anywhere because "he wants to spend time with them".  Son informed me that he spends most of his time in the garage (I know what he does out there.).  They are basically imprisoned with their Adad on a dead end street for half the week.  Anyway this morning I said "This is unacceptable that the kids have to come here and see this house in this condition"  He blew a gasket.  I said." clean it up so that I don't have to get others involved."

Called his dad (probably shouldn't have) and asked him if he'd seen the condition of the house lately.  He was rather unresponsive to my concerns.
I felt it landed on deaf ears.  I asked him to speak to him because I only provoked anger.

Dropped daughter off at school and she was in tears because the house isn't like it used to be, she's embarrassed and she's afraid she won't be able to see daddy if he doesn't keep the house clean like happened to her friend and her dad.  I assured her that she'd always see her dad but that if we didn't address it, it wouldn't get fixed.  She asked with a smile if her grandma (A's mom) would clean it.  (A's mom cleans the A's Adivorced brother's house all of the time)So I called the A's mom to tell her what she said, thinking she'd be happy tobe useful.  (A's other brother died of a combination Alcohol and Drug overdose last Sept) Mom informed me that she is so tired of her daughter inlaws calling her and telling her how BAD her son's are.  I said they aren't bad, they are sick, they're Alcoholics.  He's not a bad person, I've been telling you that for weeks.  I said that he needed help. (A's mom is still very upset about other son, but if they don't admit what is going on with other A son, they are going to loose him too.)  For my coment I have been eternally shunned from the family.  The entire denying, sick disfunctional family.  My AHusband is furious, "I called them drunks."  I said,"if when I said that I meant it in a bad way, then I was also putting down my father (30 years sober recently passed) and my brother (struggling alcoholic also).  "

I'm sorry I upset his parents, but you know what he's upset my life and my kids life for years and they protect and deny their is any problem.  If they would just stop attaching their Stigma to the problem, I think my husband would have a chance of getting well.  They make it such a shameful thing.  They are hiding the facts about what happened to the other brother, when they could help others with the knowledge. Don't I have a right to be mad at them too? 

I know I need to protect my kids and their needs are not being met.   Someone needs to stick up for the kids and I need to stick up for myself.  Selfishness, the whole family is sick and selfish. 

Thanks for letting me vent.  I know I am sick too.  I pray that some day one/all of them find the door to AA or Alanon so that they can find recovery.  Meanwhile, I need to get to a F2F and I need to get those kids in Alateen.



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Marshmallow


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So after my long ranting post I got in my car to drive to a Tuesday night meeting only to discover it was Monday.  I'll go tomorrow, promise.

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Jerry F


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Aloha Marshmallow!!

That never worked for me either...I don't know what I was expecting when
I did it but I never got anything good.  I think "venting" was all I was doing
back then also...kinda like "barfing" all over everyplace, thing and body.

Got so really sick of doing it that I gave myself permission to stop and "just don't"...anymore.

Made myself as sick or sicker as I did the others.  "Just stop already!"
Almost like a slogan.

Keep coming back.   That last sentence seems like a really good idea.

(((((hugs))))) smile


Shoot...I've done that one also!!  LOL

-- Edited by Jerry F at 23:54, 2009-02-02

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maresie


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Well I've certianly done my share of venting.  Like other people that was really all I knew how to do for years.

I also spent years and years resenting the ex A's parents, siblings and friends. I've vent to them a great deal too.  I'm so relieved I no longer have to do that.

I must say its pretty addictive stuff because I find it very very tempting to do.  In fact I have to remind myself daily that no matter what I can never control an alcoholic's drinking of drugging. Nevertheless for living around alcoholics and dysfunctionals I am constantly affected by them.  We all are. That's why we are here.

Detaching is certainly very very difficult to do. There are primers on it at places like www.coping.org.  I also think personally that the Getting them Sober series is a great resource to really get to detachment.

Of course your children are upset. They are a right to be.  Of course they want their father to get better.  Unfortunately he isn't.  We can't make that "better". We can certainly acknowledge what is going on.  For me personally the A's (and there are many of them in my life) who constantly self destruct is a crazy making issue. I have to work daily on accepting they are where they are.

I hope you will take care of yourself, frustration, venting, angry, rage, frustration is a really defeating cycle.  it is also very hard to get out of.  Stepping out and keep stepping out of it is so key.

I'm sorry you can't fix your children's "father" I really am.  I am also aware for me after reading your share I have had my fill of venting to no end.

maresie.

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maresie
Marshmallow


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Thank you... I do feel like a barfed all over, but you know what ..this whole incident made me realize something.  I've been thinking for months that I could go back and deal with his active alcoholism using these tools and I now know that I was wrong.  My standards and expectations of what I want my life to be are different than his.   I don't want to live the way that he wants to live his life, I would be settling and I would be miserable.   I can't sit by and watch the house get worse day by day in need of repairs, the bills pile up and him continue destroying himself.  I know too much now.  I love him too much to sit by and watch that.  I read the first Getting Them Sober book, thanks to the offer above, and did learn so much.  I started with the intention of putting my foot down on what was unacceptable and then lost myself.  The book CLEARLY explained to me why the kids, I and our home do not get what we need from my husband...His addiction comes first.  No matter how hard I have tried for the past 20 years (13 married) I have never come first, probably not even 2nd or 3rd.  No wonder I'm so angry, but at least I know it's not because I'm unworthy.  I didn't have a chance.

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