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Dear All, A-Father was bereaved in November, I had not had much contact with him for about five years until my A step mother got sick, but had a lot during her illness. My son stayed with him a lot over the last few months but when son pointed out father- A's unhealthy habit of drinking quite a lot of whisky, he got dropped, father came up with excuses as to why he needed to go. I discussed same with my son as there was no point until he had seen it himself but am very angry at my father's treatment of his family. I took the step mother's dog as he was treating her abominably, she is a joy though it has been difficult to get her settled. To be honest, my father just plain irritates me, and I find it hard to focus on the fact that he is an ill man, help me have more patience. I did detach over the weekend but had to call this evening to allow my son to collect some of his stuff. My son is completely disillusioned with his grandfather now and I gently pointed out that I felt that it was because he held a mirror up to his behaviour that he no longer was wanted.
Well I to "Had" an Afather up until about 2 months ago...When A took him from us... He was a whiskey drinker as well... And had his Mean streaks...I too kept my son away from my father, except for 11am on every holiday of the year...lol... That was the only time he got to spend time with his pap, but that was the only time that I knew he was sober, and just getting out of bed so my son didn't see the ugly in my father, he only remebers the fun Pap was then...
I know that all people are differant, but something that I use to do when it came to "dealing" with my A father was I had a chant... lol... "If you go there expecting NOTHING... You wont leave disappointed" I know it sounds silly, but for me it was what I needed, I had always... when I was younger. go there and Expect him to "respond" or anything really and he never did, so this was my "Boundry" i set for myself...
My father had 5 kids, one had not spoke to him in over 13 years when he died... The others didn't really know how to deal with him, so most of it fell on me to keep him moving, and within the family, I took that responsibility mainly because... At one time in my life before he let alcohol rule his world, he was an Awesome father and I just prayed ALOT... and I told myself a long time ago... I will except who and what he had become, but I made a promise to God & Myself that the day my father was laid to rest, he would know that I loved him... And that is what helps me sleep at night... That was my journey... That was my story, and that is what brought me here...
I know that kind of pain... And you can get thru it, and I have learned so much from al-anon in such a short period of time... I am so grateful that I had the chance to know my father and love him with or without his disease...It was never easy...But now that he is gone I am very satisfied with my choices..
You make your own road when it comes to your Afather, He wont be around for ever, but you should not be miserable everytime you see him, and the safety of your son is the most important...
It works if you work it, one day at a time!!!
Friend in Progress Missing.
-- Edited by missing out at 19:35, 2009-02-02
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
Anyone would be annoyed by his behavior. Of course you are! I also think you have done a great great job on detaching and working on yourself. I know for me a great deal of grief was that I not only didn't get parents as a child I didn't get them as an adult either. I am glad you rescued the dog. I've certainly been there and done that. The imposition on it is enormous. I really work hard in my life on not rescuing anymore. The resentment afterwards is enormous.
Of course you want to protect your son. One of my big issues is that I certainly can't protect my nephews from my sister's alcoholism. There is no question that they are affected deeply and there is nothing I can do. I have to accept it.
