The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week, after being broken up for two months and maintaining contact via email and phone, I advised EXABF that I no longer wished to do so. Things had been good to this point with the possibilityof reconciling-or so I thought-up until the day he brought up dating other people. I did not want to keep communication open and be a part of that, so I set my boundary....we cease all communication and move on in our own seperate lives. I did however contact him once after that via email to complete part of my 9th step-nothing more, done the end, as i can no longer live in limbo and apparently he was not happy with it either....Well this am there in my inbox is a Happy Birthday wish from him, then today he comes to work with a card in his hand and says the mail man never picked it up Friday when he put it out. Which is believable I guess. We make small talk, he hugs me goodbye very tightly, tells me "Happy Birthday Baby-you look good" and out the door he goes. Now I am sitting here wondering about it all......he is in AA for 10yrs, he HAS to know that he is overstepping my boundaries, but yet he does it again. I feel like a yo-yo anymore. Like he is say going away-no wait a minute, and back and forth!!!He is sober and 10 yrs in program-why is he behaving like he is drinking (I know he is not) I won't lie, it was great to see him and I still love him very much, -though I would never let him know that,and that is why I had to severe contact for he and I both, but it just puts me back when it happens in some areas. What is he doing??? Am I not being clear about my boundaries, cause I think a 2 page letter about the hows and whys should be clear, or am I just making to much of it and going back into tailspin mode for no reason......Just trying to gather some ESH from my MIP family....... Shellyj
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
In one of her books, Toby writes about how hard it is to get rid of an alcoholic.... Sure sounds to me like he is trying to keep you hooked, "just in case" (as in, I want to see other people, but I'll keep Shelly around on the backburner, just in case it doesn't work out).
Remember that A's, even 10-year sober ones, see our actions, and not our words.... It may not do any good to reiterate what you have already told him, but it will be important for you not to get sucked back into him again...
Just my two cents
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Well girl... You keep up the great work on yourself and as I said... you will get by... He isn't working his program to the best of his ability if he can't respect your boundry and your program.. So hold your head up and Charge babe, because... One day at a time...You will get were "YOU" need to be...
Keep coming back.... Love ya Missing
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
Well, one of my counselors would have said to me that I cracked that door back open by sending the E-mail to him. -- no matter the reason. He would also advise me not to shut the door all the way if I was not sure I wanted it closed. So, maybe you might want to look at the boundaries you really want to set. Perhaps YOU want to date other people too and still E-mail this guy now and then. It is not easy and it sounds like you are doing very well. Also, it seems though HE still is interested. If he is in AA then he is working on himself and there could be potential. Of course I don't know the whole story. So keep up the good work!
Aloha Shelly!! Gosh your post brought back alot of how it was, what I learned and how it all turned out. Might be that he was really honest with his wishes and was being "friendly"....might be. Might not be could be anything or nothing at all. Might be that boundaries for me were really walls and what I felt for my alcoholic was fear and not acceptance. I did come to realize that as long as I had memory there would never be a separation or divorce. Having said that I have to also say that there are so many people that occupy space in my head at any one moment and as long as I "just love them anyway" they all fit and don't get rowdy.
The alcoholic gets to work the program as they see fit doing the best they can with what they have. The moment I step up to judge how they or anyone else is "doing the program" my program goes to hell in a hand basket and I have just draped a large bulls eye over my shoulders and in front of my heart.
You're saying that the birthday card delivery from him just simply didn't go the way you expect it from him. "Just For Today" "He" didn't fulfill your expectations. and "You" didn't succeed in keeping him out. When you keep it that simple...it's easier to let go. It doesn't weight a ton. It isn't stuck to you like Velcro. Was the card nice?
Sometimes we have to reinforce them. I'm not sure in AA they go over boundaries that much. I've been to plenty of AA meetings, can't say I ever heard anyone speak about boundaries, ACA yes, AA nope. I think some of them focus on keeping their side of the street clean (admirably yes) but nope I've never heard anyone talk about respecting anyone's boundaries.
Sometimes we have to be like a broken record. Of course we don't want to do we. I want to be Ms. Popular myself but I also today want to be boundaried more than anything!
