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Hello everyone, my 32 year old son is a 2nd stage alcoholic. He lived at home with us (his Dad, and I) and his illness became our illness.
His alcoholism seeped it's way slowly and insidiously, over the last 6 years, into the very fabric of our family until we were swamped......forever watching, waiting, coaxing, cajoling, force feeding, washing etc etc.....my goodness did it control us.....but hey, I'm his Mum, and I can fix anything to do with my kids can't I.... cut them and I bleed! This illness was not going to defeat me was it? No way was my son reaching the gutter, love will pull him out and I have the maternal strength to do this..... don't I?
You all know the answer of course.
His physical and mental decline at the beginning of last year was rapid and frightening and in March he was admitted onto a 24 week residential rehab programme. Within 4 weeks he looked 100 times better and after the 24 weeks he left rehab to live in a 'dry house' This assisted accommodation gave him the support he needed to continue his recovery. We visited him once a month and although he was still plagued with panic attacks, he was doing well.
I phoned him at the beginning of December to see what his thoughts were on coming home for Xmas and when he answered the phone I immediately knew he was drinking again. He admitted he had started drinking almost as soon as he left rehab in August but had kept it 'controlled' Certainly when we visited he was sober. By November his drinking had once again reached epic proportions and he was moved out of the 'dry house' to a 'wet house' ...whilst sobriety and attendance at AA is promoted there, he is allowed his beloved alcohol... his best friend was back....NIRVANA. The staff invited us to visit, which we did. He has a lovely apartment, one of 12, ensuite shower, little kitchen, tv....lovely? Kitchen and shower were unused, suitcase unemptied.....back to sleeping in clothes, not eating etc, but we got to meet his new best friends.....all with their own problems....what can I say, he was drunk, they were drunk.... it was terrible. I came out of that place and vomited on the street in front of passers by, and I knew then I had to let go or his disease was going to kill me....I knew then 'I' needed help.
Over the Xmas and New Year holiday I was paralysed by grief, the only thing that got me out of bed was the thought of my daughter and precious grand-daughter coming to stay on boxing day. I still don't know how I got through it, it's like it happened to someone else...I was there but I wasn't there.
When they left on the 30th I went to bed and didn't get up again until the 3rd of January. I woke up that morning and I just knew, without a shadow of doubt, that that was it.....I had let go. For the 1st time in years I felt calm.
I did know something of the work of Alanon and that evening I searched online for forums and up popped MIP and you have been with me everyday since. I have found many postings that soothe me when I'm crying and give me hope when I'm struggling. Slow healing is in progress and I'm taking it one day at a time.
I last spoke to my son on Christmas day.....he had been hospitalised the week before as he was severely underweight and dehydrated. He signed himself out because they wouldn't give him enough medication to calm him down so he went and bought some on the street. I wrote to him a fortnight ago and explained what had happened to me and that I had reached out for help, that I wouldn't be visiting him until I felt stronger. I said it would be nice if he would text me if he felt like it but there's been nothing from him. I am worried, I don't know what's happening with him, he's very ill and I hope above hope that recovery reaches him before death does.
I still have despair at our situation but I also now have a glimmer of hope of healing, I have much to live for.
Welcome Ness, glad you've found us. Sounds like you're taking many positive steps towards your own recovery. I do want to recommend an f2f (face to face) meeting - the recovery energy is - different, somehow. For me, I really hadn't anticipated how powerful it was going to be for me to hear my own voice. In case you haven't found it yet, the UK site for Alanon, with meeting lists, is http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
Also, you can get a free newcomer packet at f2f with several really good pamphlets - I especially liked "So you love an alcoholic", and "What do YOU do about the alcoholic's drinking?"
The rooms of AA have all kinds in them - high-bottom drunks, low-bottom drunks, still-drinking drunks, drunks who haven't had a drink in 40 years. Some of them are those of whom it was said, he (or she) will never make it. Some of them don't; but some of them do. And hard as it is to accept, that's not really OUR story - OUR efforts cannot determine which is which.
I'm so glad you were able to be with daugher and grandbaby for a little while at Christmas. As you learn to focus on you, you'll get practice at actually enjoying those moments too.
What a tough ride. I've certainly been there sick with worry. I can only say my own ESH. The ex A who I was with did many many things that brought him close to death. His time here seems to be controlled by God because really he should certainly be dead. Somehow that knowledge has made it easier for me to turn it over.
For me personally I have to really limit time with an alcoholic. I know full well the sense of despair, anxiety and wonder and sense of futility around not knowing. I also know knowing did not do me much good either.
You can get a lot of help here. Lean on us, let us get to know you and get to know many many wonderful people in this room.
Hello and welcome , one of the hardest things to wrap my head around was the statement ALLOW THEM THE DIGNITY TO LIVE AND DIE THE WAY THEY CHOOSE . I hope I never reach that state again . I empathize with your pain and despair . I was told manytimes that every time I rescue , I am allowing the disease to continue in fact they pointed out I was helping him drink. Ugh !!!! I am assuming from your post that you are not attending f2f meetings for yourself I hope u will consider doing so , you need support this board is great but u are missing so much of program by still going it alone . Prayer for your son and yourself . Get out of the road they told me SO GOD COULD GET AT HIM . now theres a thought . Louise
Thank you all for your warm welcome and for sharing your ES&H with me.
It's difficult, but not impossible, for me to go to a f2f, as the nearest one is a round trip of 30 miles and I don't drive.....however I know my husband will drive me if I ask.
I don't know why I'm putting it off, probably simply because I'm exhausted.
Thank you also for the literature recommendations. I have ordered Toby RD's book and also a couple of copies of Under the Influence by James Milam, one of which I will send to my son.
Yesterday I said I hadn't had any contact with my son since Xmas day.
The phone rang at 5.30 this morning.....we were immediately on alert, adrenalin pumping, and that knot in my stomach tightened.....but I felt reasonably calm, not going straight into headless chicken mode as I would usually do.
My husband took the call.....it was our son.
Miracle number 1? To me it is, he never calls us, we always call him.
He apologised to his Dad for ringing at that time...he said he would like to come home for a couple of days to....'get out of this place'....
His new 'best friend' and drinking partner has been sober for 4 weeks, following a seizure where he ended up in hospital with a fractured skull...
Are things beginning to unravel? are his bridges burning behind him? is our detachment giving him cause for reflection? is he becoming sick and tired of being sick and tired?......who knows.
His Dad explained that he didn't want to see him until he was sober and actively seeking recovery. To me this is miracle number 2. This tells me that he is beginning to slowly detach....before he would have driven the 200 mile round trip to bring him home....is my detachment and healing process rubbing off on him....are the little MIP posting I leave up on screen for him to read, if he chooses, having an effect? I hope so and maybe now he can slowly start to heal.
My son said he would be able to be sober at home if we got some diazepam from the doctor. Oh yes, that old chestnut!
We've done that before, medicated him, fed him, cleaned him up and of course we faced the consequences of that.
My husband suggested he get back to AA, see his CPN and support worker if he wanted help. He also told him that last Thursday our daughter phoned us to say she had asked her husband to leave (which he did) as his drinking was beginning to badly affect their lives.
This was a bolt from the blue for us...I know...I have a whole other story here...and I don't know what path it's going to take but I would like to think that the experience she has had with her brother has helped her shape her boundaries and protect herself...
So I hope, as abbyl quoted to me, we are giving our son the dignity to live and die the way he chooses. He knows we love him and he also knows we didn't cause, can't control and can't cure his illness, that is for him to do, but we can try and heal ourselves. Love Ness x
