The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everybody, my name is Marie and I'm a grateful Al-Anon. I just joined your group today. I have 12 years in the program. My husband the alcoholic has 21 years sober, by the grace of God and the program of AA. We live a (mostly) peaceful life anchored by both of us working in the recovery movement here in Houston, Texas.
Right now I'm sponsoring a woman who has one year in Al-Anon. She has recently separated from her husband and has called me every day for the past few weeks as she sorts things out, both literally and from a recovery perspective. We had just started working in the 4th step workbook when this separation came up, so she's about 1/2 way through her inventory.
I told you all that so I could ask your input on something: I have found it necessary to challenge her on a couple of behaviors: snooping and rationalizing it. She goes over to her old home "to pick up a few things" almost everyday, and while there, goes through her husband's briefcase, desk, etc. She makes copies of stuff she considers "helpful to her case" and explains that it's okay because she might need it later. Somehow in her mind, it's not dishonest to do this, and she comes up with many angles to justify it, lots of them having to do with her "reputation" in the eyes of her church. I think she has a deep need to prove to her church that this isn't HER fault, that the alcoholic is to blame.
Right now, she's very upset with me. I have very carefully told her it's not my job to preach and lecture at her for this behavior, but it IS my job to observe the way she works her program and comment when I see something that needs attention. I've had sponsees get mad at me before, of course, and sometimes they just "fire" me. And that's okay.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this. What do you do when you find yourself confronting someone about their behavior, especially in a sponsorship role? Thanks in advance for your input.
I have very carefully told her it's not my job to preach and lecture at her for this behavior, but it IS my job to observe the way she works her program and comment when I see something that needs attention. I've had sponsees get mad at me before, of course, and sometimes they just "fire" me. And that's okay.
I love how you said this.
I think for me it's a reminder that this is one of my best opportunities to detach - to say/do what's right for me and let go of the results. When I start getting upset at results, it reminds me that I need to practice detaching, and indeed maybe I need to take a physical "break" - time limit on the topic? Call back at a time when I've had the chance to take a few deep breaths? Sometimes my desire to fix (aack!) the people I'm helping pushes me back into old behaviours, and it helps me to remember I need to focus on me.
Great post. As a program friend and a sponsor, I definately think it is appropriate to point out behaviors which we might think are contrary to the principals of the program.
What the other person chooses to do with that information is entirely up to them. I think it is important as the "sponsor" not to lose our own serenity and peace of mind trying to get that sponsee into line.
Pointing out a self defeating behavior to the sponsee is about the limit. If I start finding myself feeling anxious because they still are doing what I have pointed out is "bad" then I need to step back and look at myself. I put the topic it out there, then hand the results over to HP.
Oh, and if my serenity is being compromised continually it is perfectly ok to step down as someone's sponsor too! Maybe HP has someone else in mind.
I totally agree with both posts here , as a sponsor we need to say what is on our minds and let it go ,what ever her reasons for doing this is her stuff, you have done your part by expressing your concerns for her conduct. Love her anyway and carry on , eventually she will with your guidance figure it out . Louise
Right on sponsorship experience. I learned to give back what was freely given to me. Give it always with love. Treat my sponsees as I was taught to treat my alcoholic. Remember that my hug comes apart at my fingers and when someone needs to leave or flee? Let them go. Having a sponsee is a trust agreement for me not a slavery condition. I have never had a problem letting one go for however long it took and I never had a sponsor that didn't know how to show me the door with a hug and smile.
Thanks, everybody for your comments. It has been my experience that every time I "lose" a sponsee, for whatever reason, my HP tends to send me another one. And I've never had one who didn't help me LOTS.
