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sweetr's post on confusion is where my mind is lately too so hoping someone can help me get a grip as I see so definately how living with alcoholism depletes any knowledge of normal, confidence and courage. Once upon a time, I thought I had a brain but it is such a wimpy lump of mush sometimes as this disease leads us around and around.
At my f2f meeting today, thankfully I heard a story that assured me again how the effect of living with A is so subtle and so deceptive. Reminded me to believe in myself and believe something is wrong if I feel badly. Only al anoners know what this is........ I know this affects my kids too. But I question myself about this often, that I am making something out of nothing.
If you read my latest post I feel that I need my AH gone so I can get a solid program of health and I want an alcohol free home for me and for our kids. I have had several short conversations with AH that include:
*I am concerned how the happy, then intimidating then pass out stages are so much shorter - (he use to drink all night but "cut back" by drinking later & later.) *Why did you get so angry with me last night? (used to have more violent black outs when drinking all evening) (I learned these short angry times are black outs too, unbelievable as he had no idea plus he couldn't bluff him or me out of it.) *Do you still plan to continue to drink or will you seek treatment (MD recommended 5 yrs ago) He said he'd get treatment. (What will you do?) He had to think about it. *I don't like who I am here and I can't get healthy here. I want to live in an alcoholic free home and family. He said it will take him time and he prefers to do it on his own. *He took a sleeping pill too late last night so hadn't fallen asleep before he got angry. (What?!? Isn't it dangerous to take sleeping pills with alcohol?) I know what I am doing.
He needs help, he says and does all the right things when I do call him on it. He will never understand all the aisms that are part of this and what it does to him, me & kids if he continues to cut back without getting treatment. He takes the empty vodka bottles to dispose of away from home, he is sneaky of course. But now he is up front with me tonight that he is going to have a couple drinks - can't just stop, it'll take a little time remember.
His compliance and reasonableness makes me nuts. This is good that he is willing to do this. No this is bad as it extends the doubt and confusion for me of what to do next. Last wkend was a mess stirred up by him with the kids that was the final straw for me to want him gone. This wkend he is all wonderful with them so that I question the usual dilemma of don't split kids from dear old dad vs do split kids from horrible disease of alcoholism.
I hear HP but then I even question/doubt that I am hearing clearly as I think others stories might apply to me or maybe not that one ....be careful. Let go and let God........ oh how I wish he'd just show up with cue cards. I am a wet noodle in the confident of my decisions dept - I feel like AH is messing with my mind and then I think, no, I am messing with my mind.
It takes more courage than I could imagine to split from all these maybe good things or fear the horrible subtle results to me & kids if I don't split. I could go on with this type of circular thinking about the financial effects, respect of kids etc and I wouldn't even have a clue of which direction was more positive or negative. I used to do pro & con lists to make an important decision but with this there is no way to know what the outcome could be - it's a coin toss. Will this ever be clear to me? Confused again hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
That reminds me of an important question for me..."What would my sponsor say?" Thing I had to do was call my sponsor before talking to my alcoholic. That didn't always work but either before or after I was more able to get recovery information from my sponsor than from my alcoholic. Of course that is a good question for the alcoholic also rather than trying to "clarify the issues" LOL...but then if the alcoholic isn't in the program and doesn't have a sponsor...what do they say about being up the creek without a paddle?
The alcohol free life style is reasonable and a winner I've witnessed.
IT DID BECOME TOTALLY CRYSTAL CLEAR FOR ME: thats my ESH.
You will know it when it does. And, with that knowledge, everything will turn out OK so you do not need to go round and round and round. Jettison it all to HP and live one day at a time till you know hook line and sinker what to do. PLEASE have faith in yourself and HP that this day shall come.
For me, I woke up one morning and BOOM, it was there front and center the moment I opened my eyes. I was done. Plain and simple. From there, it was just a matter of making it so.
Making a plan be helped me. A plan be for me was not about the pros and cons. The plan be consisted of what did I need to do in order to leave. I left with a not very strong plan be. In fact it could have been a lot lot better.
We do get totally enmeshed with them and its hard to find a way out. There are ways, detaching is one, getting busy is another (of course you are already busy since you have chldren). Reaching out to get support helps, there is a saying don't go to the butchers to buy bread - I went to the A all the time to get stuff he had nothing nothing nothing to give by the end.
Detaching is so worth putting into place. Detaching and really working on boundaries has helped me a great deal.
I could go on with this type of circular thinking about the financial effects, respect of kids etc and I wouldn't even have a clue of which direction was more positive or negative. I used to do pro & con lists to make an important decision but with this there is no way to know what the outcome could be - it's a coin toss. 
