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I've read a few responses on the board lately that talk about detaching with love. How exactly do you do that. Anyone have any comments on it. I keep trying to detach but I get the I just don't care phrase in my head but the fact is that I do care - that's why I get anxious and worried and mad and sad and angry and every other emotion.
What is detaching with love and what are some steps to accomplish that.
I think that even when detaching with love, you still have to care. That is one reason you are doing it...because you care about the person. It's hard and I'm still working my way through it. I've been trying for 3 months. You have to set boundries for yourself. You may choose to stay away from the person, or not talk to them, or just not associate when they have been drinking. You have to decide how you are going to detach....make sure it feels right for you.
I though that I had to completely seperate myself and ignore the A in my life, but I have learned that is not the case....I just set boundries on when I associated and it is on my terms.
Good luck...it's hard, but you will feel like a weight has been lifted.
Hi - Somewhere in our liturature it tells about finding the a asleep on the floor - detaching by stepping over him and going to bed and to sleep. When we detach with love we put a blanket over the a and then go to bed and to sleep.
For me the Serenity Prayer helps. The serenity to accept what I cannot change - which is any other person, place or thing. The courage to change the things I can - which is myself. Sometimes all I can change is my reaction to a situation - And sometimes I need to remove myself completely.
Hi, I wanted to do my best to explain how it works for me.
I detach with love by, absolutely knowing my sweet A has a horrible disease. That it is this disease who lies, gets into trouble, is not dependable, etc. And unfortunately my A is a prisoner in the same body as the disease.
When he says mean things it is the disease talking. I know that for sure. I don't respond except maybe to say, oh it must be so awful to feel that way.
I love my husband now just how he is. I detach from the bs the disease hands out. I focus on the human being who is being held captive.
Like now, he said he would be out today. He never came. I knew he would not. His disease is bad right now. I know he is alcohol sick today. I am not mad or anything. I take things at they come.
If he is abusive I send him out of here. I know abuse is not part of the disease, but I know the disease exaserbates his anger and it makes it harder for the A to hold back his anger.
Lets see, I like to use a river as an analogy. I cannot control a river, I love it however, if I jump in it could drown me, or drag me where I don't want to go. So I stay on the side and I just love it how it is but don't step into any danger.
Does that make sense? We separate the A from the disease.
I loved my mom more than life She developed breast cancer. I HATED it. But I loved my mom.
Anyway pray to your hp to know the truth and direction. Ask for what ya need exactly. You will be blessed with miracles.
The way I look at detaching with love is you can love the alcoholic, but not their disease. I have many alcoholics in my life, but the main ones are my ex-husband and my daughter. Detaching means I have to set boundaries and not let the alcoholics mistakes become my consequences. It's not easy. Especially with my daughter who I have enabled and rescued for years. I am getting better at setting boundaries with her but it isn't always easy. She can trample and ignore a boundary as easy as blinking an eye, and my disease let's her get away with it. So this program is helping me to develop tools and a "backbone" that let's me take care of myself. I am not perfect, but with the help of HP and alanon I am getting better. Hope this helps. bob6502/aka senorabob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
I think detaching with love becomes easier as we gain knowledge/some understanding of the disease of alcoholism. As we realize it is the disease being horrid, not the person. I just know thats what helped me. It was such a weight off my mind to know that things hubby said when under the influence were not truly directed at me. And when I realized it was more a reflection of how he was feeling about himself, then compassion came. Someone else mentioned using boundaries along with this. I do that also. My boundary is, I'm not going to allow myself to get drawn into the argument. I'm not going to allow myself to react to the disease. I'm not going to start the argument by making rude/aggressive/nagging/etc comments.
I'll share an experience that sticks out in my mind that showed me how well Al-Anon is helping me. Hubby was home for the weekend and had stayed up all night drinking. At around 6 a.m. I hear this banging. I got out of bed to go investigate what all the noise was about. Walked into the kitchen. We have a counter that separates kitchen from living area where computer desk is. There hubby sat, banging the keyboard against the desk, letters flying everywhere. I turned around, went over to the coffeepot, proceeded to calmly make coffee as he sat there mumbling and cussing. Took a cup out of cupboard, poured my coffee, turned around again and very calmly said (as he banged the keyboard once more) "Do you think you could stop doing that?" He gives me a look, and then proceeds to tear the keyboard apart by hand. (Got the banging noise to stop at least...lol). I walked around counter and sat down on the couch with my coffee. He looks at me and starts in with the "you this you that" stuff. I calmly just replied with "yes dear, you do you that" (agreeing with him but turning it to being him, not me). After a bit (and with this look of Huh? on his face) he quit with the talk and went upstairs to bed. He did attach a new keyboard to computer first (I believe he was feeling some shame at that point.) I left the trashed keyboard mess as it was, all over the floor. Normally I would have cleaned it up. Not this time. I just calmly sat down amidst the mess and logged into Al-Anon chat and enjoyed my day.
That I could feel that calmness of spirit throughout that whole morning is what struck me and stood out. That is all from using the tools of this program. Serenity amidst the storm. What also struck me was that my calmness seemed to lessen the amount of time that he ranted. He wasn't getting the response he expected. There was no one there to "fight with". As they say, It Works if you Work It!!
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
