The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
calm acceptance that I can not live with active A, reality is he has cut back but it is his major coping skill when he was worse, the passing out & blacks out were consistant nightly & now I never know when it will be crazy the affect on teens at home is either depression for one and anger for the other - they are both failing at school the atmosphere is not oppressive for the 3 of us alone without the A - it is manageable, not crazy
there is no mental, emotional, physical, spiritual connections left - there is a lot of denial I can not seem to get healthy & confident living in the chaos so that I can step out of this dance and have a good life I have saved money up over the last 18 mos since joining al anon, I'll need a job eventually It is a process, maybe separation will bring me more recovery and maybe help A hit bottom - I will focus on me though!!
I would like him to leave, for him to get an apt or something- keep stability to teens over next 5 years when done with high school Then I would like to move and housing market might be better plus see where we are then It is a process and baby steps but I am not sure even what to consider for the details of plan B I do not even know the reaction I will get - I know him, know where he is from and what he does is his normal from family of origin I have compassion, I love him but I do deserve a good life - I can see divorce as an option of future but right now I just want him gone
I used to not have energy to deal with affect on kids but it has changed where I can see that in the long run the kids will be better off getting away from the chaos too every day is hard, it is sad but I have more hope for recovery alone - I can get even excited about the possibilities If he weren't an option to defer to or incorporate, I would do what I know to do best for the boys. Now if he is there, it doesn't seem that asking for him to support me does much good... I get so very tired!!!
What things do I need to consider as I proceed for plan B? I feel a bit naive though if the A's reaction is horrible rather than cooperative, I can understand that I don't want to leave myself vulnerable. Bottom line is I want an alcohol free home and he never wants to not drink, it is normal to him.
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Hi DDub, you sound very balanced and I commend you. You have thought about this a lot, I know. I think for me, the plan B was the one where it was ALL about me and keeping the focus on me. I refer to it as the "escape pod" as in a science fiction movie- the ship explodes and I get out within seconds before it does in a tiny little escape pod.
You can ask him to leave but that requires *asking* something of someone who may or may not be able or willing to answer honestly much less DO anything they say they will do. This was what it came down to, for me. I lost everything when I left but I took that gamble because I knew that ANYTHING, even a life on the street, would have been better than sharing a roof with him. But he physically abused me so that was a little different from your situation as I understand it. I know when I would present "Here is where I am" statements to my exAH he would react and then back peddle and then change his mind and then change this rule that he had created and then another and then he would put them all back and one day he would do this and one day he would do that and always there were all these rationalizations and explanations that would require hours of my time listening...ugh it was horrible.
I just left one night with only the clothing on my back, in a rental car. I reached a point where negotiating a single thing with him was impossible and totally exhausting. THESE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY. They make no sense. They cannot make decisions, They are on drugs. Their brain does not work. They are SICK SICK SICK, there is no reasonable person there to work with. It may seem as if there might be sometimes but its like a flickering candle which never stays in one place long enough.
I know that you may think that you need the house and maybe you can figure out some way to get him out of it and stay out of it without bothering, pestering, coming by, checking in, saying its his house too one day, etc. but if you really want some peace and your own solid base, I think you need to get your own and have it be YOURS and only yours for you and your kids. it may not be possible but if it is, in any way, I HIGHLY recommend it because its the only way you can 100% insure full control over your living situation. You can stand up and say: this is MY HOUSE.
This is just my ESH, sometimes a fresh start in a new place is AWESOME. Hugs, J.
Thank you Jean - what you write makes lots of sense and makes me consider the plan C of what would I do if he won't leave. It may seem like having my own place starting fresh and him not having access to it should become plan B eventually after I think about this more. You make very good points. I like the excape pod visual too. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
As we say in Alanon take what you want and leave the rest. You know that my AHsober left me so I have a different prospective. But he still gets his jabs (dry drunks in). He threatens, he bullys, he is non-communicative, he flaunts his new lifestyle/friends and expects me to do the emotional work and take the responsibility for dissolving the relationship read me dissolving it because of his bad behavior. There might be something like that in your A's bad behavior.
I won't take on something that is not mine. Your decision sounds very sound and logical. Almost every woman that I tell that I am alone, say that they would tolerate anything rather than be alone. Alone is ok. I find that friends, family, and strangers help me. And my higher power.
One thing that surprised me was my sons reaction. They all seem to blame me. They love their father but they see right through him. More then blame me they think that I was weak and should have stood up to him (and his ill behavior) sooner.
One suggestion I have is to see a counselor. I know for me the enmeshness of the relationship made it very hard for me to look dispassionately at things. The ex A I was with left all the time, he came back. He would throw chaos everywhere. I am almost 2 years out and sitll really struggling. So I would say that if you do make a plan be know there will be a long recovery time (not that that should deter you).
That is my only two cents.The ex A I was with was always about leaving but he was also always about trying to hook me back in. Now I am so much better at not being hooked.
