The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in a relationship with an ABF for 2 years.. I keep postponing marriage until "things get and SATY better" he's now agreed to couciling.. not AA but a private counselor.. A runs in his family .. has effected him all his life... we have a 3 yr old .... Is this ever a FIXED situation?? should I walk away now.. he refuses to beleive he's an A ... always an excuse why he drinks... and hides it and lies!!!! OMG I need help !! but feel guilty.. for 2 -4 weeks hes wonderful.. I just never know what or who Im coming home too...ADVICE WELCOME AND NEEDED...
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
No one here is going to tell you what you could, should or would do. We do offer our own ESH however.
I do know that reading Getting them Sober helped me a great deal in my dealing with alcoholics. I also became knowledgeable about my own codependence (which isn't restricted to an alcoholic).
There are numerous tools that can help you now. Making a plan be (of what you need to do if and when you decide to leave, if you do do that). Some how making one makes the choices much much clearer. For some people they do stay they have issues to work on, need to save, do things before they can leave. For others the making the plan be offers the clear choice of what it means to leave a situation.
There are counselors who are knowledgeable about alcoholism. For their license they have to have studied the issues, nevertheless there are some people who are more knowledgeable than others.
I do personally know people who stopped drinking and they still had issues. They may not have had the chaos of drinking but they still had lots of issues. Drinking is just one part of the issue. Behavior is another.
I understand full well the agony, indecision and mixed feelings you have. I am sure many people here in the group do too. Lean on us. Let us in, Jump into this group and into al anon you can only gain from that situation, no matter what happens with the A you will have gained many many skills.
Im no expert but do have some experience... No, I do not believe the A is ever "fixed." Even when the drinking stops, many issues will continue if not addressed with the appropriate measures of recovery work, therapy, etc. The first step as you probably know is "Admitting powerlessness..." It sounds like your husband has not yet admitted, and you are also powerless over where he is today.
The recovery will only begin when your husband is ready. And there is also a program called Alanon that you might find very helpful. I would kindly recommend you consider holding off on any big decision like marriage until you've attended some alanon meetings. Give it some time to get more clarity. In the alanon program we learn the Big Truth...that the only one we can control is ourselves!! This has been a very valuable lesson for me. Best of luck and keep coming here!
I'm feeling a lot of your same pain. I know my a has great days and could be the best dad to my babies. If it weren't for our children, i think the decision to walk away would be a lot easier. I wish someone could give me magic advice to make a good decision too. I keep going through the pros and cons in my head. Unfortunatley, even after he seems to be fine, i still have trust issues that never seem to go away. It does end up plagueing a marriage. I would think hard before going ahead with marriage. I wish you the best.
My counselor helps me recognize if my needs are being met and recognize insanity. Alanon helps, too, as reading the books suggested. You have needs and so does your child -- your ABF is not able to meet them. Don't get caught up in expectations -- that is something I do and know I do now. I found my counselor on a Pschology Today counselor search -- she does specialize in addiction. You are not alone. Sincerely, db55
the ABF told me the bottle I found the other day was the only one.. today I looked and in 10 minutes found 6 more empty bottles... I confronted him... he said please dont be mad.. I know Im outta control.. I knew they were there.. Thats why I know I need help... Im trying to fix me.. He says he lies becasue he is embarrassed... OMG every bottle I find makes my heart break more.. If this counselor cant help or he refuses to actiually keep going.. I gota stop.... Im not as strong as you guys.. I know this problem.... Im scaree.. But I m so thankful to talk to people that dont judge me for loving and trying over and over with him.... I just dont know how much more my heart can take.... ghank you for just being here for me.. it helps me more than you you.. or maybe you do know..
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
No one will judge you here either way. It's not about being strong enough to stay in the relationship for many. Sometimes walking away IS the strong thing. I doubt there is one of us here that hasn't thought about it or wished it and been too afraid or unable to do it at one time or another. Of course children and owning a home together can make leaving very difficult.
Unfortunately there seems to be more cons then pros when it comes to life with an alcoholic. The disease is progressive. Not only in the amount of alcohol they consume, but in manipulation, lies, ill health and even the way they see the world they live in. My best suggestion is to watch his actions, not fall for the words. They know what you want to hear and learn what works. The "poor me" thing along with the promises usually keeps us codies there to fix it all, which we eventually learn can't happen.
He will NEVER, I repeat, NEVER recover because you want him to. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it is the absolute truth. It has to be because HE wants to. Because he is sick of himself. Because he has hit bottom. He can tell you all day long that he knows he has a prob and give you all the reasons why he does it.... unless he wants to stop the excuses and get serious about what he has to do, it will happen again and again.
The Pros do happen. After 20 yrs my husband is sober. Initially not by his choice. His alcoholism literally almost killed him (he was in renal failure) before he stopped. At the end of Feb. it will be 3 yrs. since he had a drink, that has been his choice.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
For me, I chose not to live with an alcoholic. My choice. I did love him very much. Love isn't the issue.
I reached a point where the only words that were able to come out of my mouth were: "I will never live under the same roof as you. I will never live with you again." That was it. I was done. It took me a very long time to get there but I just woke up one morning and BOOM, I was finished. Plain and simple.
For many years I went back and forth and back and forth. It was my journey. I do not considered it wasted time. Other things needed to come into play and align. They did. BOOM, I was ready. It all flowed and it still is.
When it is time for you to go, you will know and you will go. And it may not seem like all of your ducks are in a row, but when you are done, it works exactly the way it should. You are protected. HP is watching out for you.
