The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted much as of late, haven't really felt like I had much to offer to be honest. Today I find myself in need of the ESH of my MIP family once again......not for the last time I am certain. (funny how that is the ONE THING I am CERTAIN of these days) I have been praying a lot lately to my HP, and I hear his answers, I think, but I just don't like them. Let me explain........EXABF and I cut all contact last Weds, as was for the best. I do feel stronger emotionally. Last Weds (I think) I sent him an email making my amends (currently working on step 9)as that was the best way to do it for both of us I felt. Anyway I have been praying to God daily, before my feet hit the floor, several times a day, and asking only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. I have been struggling all week, for many weeks with a million questions as to what happened with EXABF and why? and what nots? He and I met online, on MYSPACE and I have been avoiding his page for fear of what is holds-(has he moved on???etc) I have been and am still VERY angry with him and full of resentment, but everytime I start to think back it's like God catches me and pulls me back to today, and I really believe that is God's way of keeping me from hating him and ruining my life, and keeping me focused on me. Anyway.....the last tie EXABF and I have is MYSPACE......we don't write to one another or anything but I know he checks my page on on occassion I stray to his.....Almost EVERYTIME I do this I can almost hear God telling me "you know what you need to do-listen to my guidance and direction" . I know that the answer to letting go of alot of my anguish, hurt, anger and resentment is in letting go of that last piece of our connection, I know it's HIS will, so why do I ignore His answers and do this to myself??? Why am I not letting go of that too? I just keep thinking that is where we met, our beginning, and once that's gone, it's really gone, and I can't do it........ Any ESH would be really appreciated. Thanks for letting me share Shellyj
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I was just reading both of your posts so this is a combined response to them both. I'm not going to say whether you're working your program wrong or not - not my place to say so and how would I know anyway since I'm not you? *grin* I'll tell you what I observe though from the outsider view. I hear a lot of talk (focus) on the A. When you talk about letting go, that's Step 3, yet you spoke of being on Step 9 in your other post. Hmmmm.... maybe that's something to look at? My sponsor always told me if I was stuck on a step, it might be because I hadn't finished with a previous step. I understand that you've been around Al-Anon a long while, but have you ever worked through the steps officially with a sponsor? (Just a question as I don't personally know you.) I see a lot of people who rush at the steps like they are in a big hurry to get through them all, perhaps thinking they'll have solved everything when they're done? I don't know, but I personally don't think that's the best way of doing it. I've been (officially) on step 4 for about 2 years now. (Well, maybe I'm really on Step 6 seeing as how I just did a Step 5 with my church elders...hmmm, I'll have to think about that one.) Anywho, what really helped me with the issues you have brought up in your posts, is to simply get busy with doing ME things, focusing on myself and what I needed, what my kids needed, and just doing. Didn't have time then to worry about him or what he may or may not be doing. I decided it was time in my life (and my kids' lives) to finally be treated well and enjoy living - and if I had to start with doing it myself, well then....as they say here... Let It Begin With Me.
(((((((((hugs))))))))) to you and keep coming back!
Kis
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Thanks Kis for your reply. I thought the same thing at once point but let EXABF back into the picture in the middle of my steps which hurt only me. However I have a wonderful sponsor who has been there every step of the way and offered ESH along that course. I feel good most days, but have my entire life struggled with anger and letting go of it and don't want that to happen this time in this Ex relationship.....I let go of the situation way back it is just the anger and resentment that I left him bring BACK into things the second time around that clouded me all over again. many thanks Shellyj
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Cancel your myspace and get a facebook. It is a much safer atmosphere. You have more control over what and who you see. And you can email your myspace pals and tell them of the change.
It is so very hard for us to let go. But think about it, what if you go to his page and there are pics of him and a new woman. How would you feel and what would that change? I will tell you. You would feel like dying and it would change nothing. So, here's to you taking care of yourself and NOT hurting yourself anymore. Love yourself more than anything.
