The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to my new therapist today. I told her about my overwhelming fear of the A's death. She responded that with his IV drug use, it should not be a fear that he is going to die, but that I need to now say He IS going to die. Factual. I need to go ahead and see him as dead or dying and create my world as if he is no longer in it. What do you all think?
By the way I was taking 150 mg of zoloft plus ativan prn. My new psychiatrist changed it today to the same dose of zoloft but took away ativan- citing risk of addiction- and instead at .25 Kolonopin twice a day and .50 at night.
I wouldn't even attempt to reply on some other person's prescriptions. It they are necessary, and work for you and you have no other solutions then take care of your health. If they cause problems then take care of your health. I also learned to live with the expectation that my wife would not make it either. Heck I didn't even know if I would make it from day to day. I learned how to live day to day and when she didn't die from the alcohol and drugs I wasn't either surprised or depressed. When she recovered and got into AA I was happy for her. My life got better either way because I was being responsible for it.
Co from a purely practical point of view, we are ALL going to die at some stage, so fear of dying - the a's death or your own is better looked at, in my opinion as something that is inevitable.
What I find, at times, is the uncertainty of when which becomes overwhelming because the timing is out of my hands and I therefore have to be as prepared for this as I can be, though one is never prepared for someone's death - even when one is nursing a sick terminally ill person it is still a shock. The thing I have to remember is that a's add to the sooner rather than later scenario as do drug addicts and those who are hugely obese and do not exercise and continue to over eat et al.
However, it is going to happen at some stage...and whilst that is said, I would find it hard to live as though someone was dead whilst they where living.
This is my opinion and disregard all if you do not find it compatible to your way of thinking, I think it is probably easier to look at it like this. I need to become more self reliant, more detached and able to do things and find happiness outside of that one person who is - lets face it - killing themselves. I cannot "live" only for that person, have a life only for that person; I have to live for myself and get a life for myself.
That has taken me years to realise, and I have suffered hugely because I lived so long for others.
I hope I have not been too brutal in this, I cannot find an easier way of putting down these thoughts. Your world can still have him in it, if that is what you want, but you should also have a life of your own that will not completely break down when he is no longer in your world.
Have I made any sense of this? I hope so.
Holding you close, Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 23:59, 2009-01-29
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Co, I don't see this as a big stretch from what we try to do here. By seeing him as already gone it makes you to take care of YOU "as if". Thinking of him as already gone could also be seen as detachment, getting your ducks in a row, having a plan or safety net etc. or simply to let it soak in that with his continued use it is eventually inevitable.
I doubt she meant to literally pretend he is dead. That would be next to impossible unless he was completely out of your life.
My perception is more that she meant for you to prepare yourself by the acknowledgment, which allows you to perhaps face and deal with the fear and think beyond what you are experiencing now.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Co, I too lived with the overwhelming fear that the A (my son) was going to die. Once I accepted the fact that this would/could be the probable outcome, my fear was lifted. I could then live, using all my program tools One Day At A Time.
I can say in the program that I learned to turn it over. I was not responsible for the ex A. For whatever reason the A I was with isn't dead (he calls regularly I do not answer, I have no intention of ever answering since I have nothing left to say to him).
For some A's death comes right out of the blue. Look at Heath Ledger. Other's last a long long time. The issue fo rme was to stop feeling responsible for them.
I was also taking the ativan when my bottem officially hit. It is a VERY hard rx to come off of, or was for me.......took almost a month of weaning off and dt's etc, to get it out of my system. I have taken buspar off and on for years-non addictive and very effective in treating anxiety........Funny how it never occured to me that I never started taking that until AFTER I split with me aEXH......
Take care of u~
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I also find ativan addictive. My psych said they were as well. Apparently he thinks Kolonopin is less addictive and longer lasting. The goal is to eventually be free of benzos at all. My psych knows my addiction history as well as those of my family. So for now I am going to take the Kolonopin and Zoloft as prescribed and listen to my MD- watching and talking to him about the goal to d/c benzos as able. Will keep you updated. Thanks for the support.
Hi Co, My a was an IV drug user too and it took a long time for me to get to the point of feeling sorry for him. The last few times I had seen him I thought he's going to die, this may be the last time I see him. I have no passion for him anymore but just a sad feeling that this is the life he chose and he is choosing to die. I think that's actually a good idea. It helped me to get rid of the anger and transform it into compassion and pity. I hope that it works that way for you too. It requires giving up the hope of ever being together again though and I think that's what is hardest. I realized after a while I really didn't want to be with him anymore, I had changed and he remained the same.
