The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted to share my ES&H. This fall I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder that is chronic and progressive, manageable but not curable. Clearly, it has parallels to A-ism and my experience living with my disorder has given me immense compassion for and understanding of A-ism as a disease, which I did not previously have. I have always thought my "help" to the A's and others in my life affected by alcoholism was indeed helpful, but being on the other side of this type of "help", I can truly see that is not. I feel overwhelmed by my disorder and its treatment at times, and any "help" in the form of advice or even education, just magnifies my sense of overwhelmed-ness.
The types of reactions I have received include the following:
*I just read an article on the causes of/answers to your disorder, let me show it to you.
*You should try..(yoga, acupuncture, X diet, cutting out sugar, fat, etc.)
* I don't think you really have the disorder, you don't seem sick
* Well, I know someone who has this and it really isn't a big deal
* Rants about Western medicine, doctors, the pharmaceutical industry
* If you just thought positively, that would really help
* You should do X, you should do Y, you should really think about Z...
These types of reactions are SOOOO frustrating because everyone is an expert on what I should do! It often drowns out my still small voice within and I feel ignored and invisible (and it gives me the sense that people don't have confidence that I can think my way out of a paper bag).
As I have sorted through my reactions to people's reactions and 2 cents, I have identified what would really help me and what I want:
*empathy and listening (I'm so sorry to hear this news. What is the toughest part about your diagnosis? How have you been feeling?).
*company (Would you like to go see the newest funny movie? how about we get some coffee this week? Can I join you at the gym? Would you like me to come with you to the Dr.?)
*honesty (Wow, I don't even know what to say. Hearing this news has me so worried. I love you and I am concerned about you).
*confidence (I know you'll figure out how to best support your sense of well being. I love your attitude in handling this. I know X is tough right now, but I see you doing Y so well).
Having this diagnosis had put me in touch with HOW MANY, MANY, MANY ways there are to support someone with dignity and without interfering, giving advice, nagging. It's been really eye-opening because before I had this experience I really didn't understand that. AND, it's helped me see how important it is to separate the disease from the person--when people see me only as SICK without any other gifts, qualities, or things to offer, it is incredibly overwhelming and hard.
Mahalo for the share...It reminded me of what first worked for me as a suggestion when I arrived here and is found in the closing to our face to face meetings. "If you keep and open mind, you will find help." Clearly you mind is wide open and your vision very clear. For this I continue to strive.
Thank you for your very insightful post! I can hear just how I must have sounded to my AH in the earlier stages of his (our) disease. I'm trying really hard to sound like that less and less. I can also hear the voice of a friend of mine who is full of "You should do X, he should do Y" statements. So deflating!
I hope you are feeling well and keep posting your insights,
I appreciate being enlightened. I never know what to say and know I am not saying the right thing when I am saying it. I do know that I need to have more compassion for my AHsober who has the disease of alcoholism even in sobriety. I hope all goes well for you.
O Blue I do understand what it means to be sick, and I do understand what it means when others don't "get it".
I also know what it feels like when people do not understand what you need in the way of support and how people back away, whether it be from their own "don't know how to handle this" or "don't know what I can do to help" or "I think I know what she needs and what helps she requires" and the don't want to knows, don't want to ask, will go their way whether it be what is right for you or not.
It takes time to settle down and know what is right for you, and be able to state that when others just DO stuff.
Even getting to that place of letting people say whatever and not taking it on board if it is negative, but letting it wash away and helping myself to think positive no matter what reactions or things are said.
So, here's to you Blue and may the Lord look after you as you face and adjust to this situation you find yourself in. It is still one day at a time isn't it.
Sending loving support across the waves tonight. Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
*I just read an article on the causes of/answers to your disorder, let me show it to you.
*You should try..(yoga, acupuncture, X diet, cutting out sugar, fat, etc.)
* I don't think you really have the disorder, you don't seem sick
* Well, I know someone who has this and it really isn't a big deal
* Rants about Western medicine, doctors, the pharmaceutical industry
* If you just thought positively, that would really help
* You should do X, you should do Y, you should really think about Z...
Before I came to AA, if I ever expressed to someone any thought that I might have a drinking problem, I almost always got one of the above in some form. Vitamin deficiencies... meditation... yoga... you name it. The funny thing is that all of that stuff is helpful *if* I stop drinking. If I don't, it does nothing.
When it comes to my other health issues, I just have to know my own body, and go with what works. I've had it beat into my skull since I was a kid the "importance of a good breakfast". TBQH, I wake up with virtually no interest in food and it's the only time of the day when I'm not thinking about food. I say, why look a gift horse in the mouth? Once I start eating, I keep eating... or thinking about it. If I start eating at 8:30 am, you can bet I'm going to put away more total calories in the day than if I start at noon. My parents were both raised, at least initially, on farms. You got up at dawn and stuffed your face and then went to work. I can tell you right now if I got up at dawn and ate a big plate of eggs, bacon, pancakes, etc, I'd either puke or go back to sleep - I wouldn't be slinging hay with a pitchfork that's for sure. Everyone is NOT the same!
The problem is, I still struggle just to keep from gaining weight... losing it is very difficult. Since I'm not really succeeding using my own methods, I'm still wide open for all the helpful advice from people. I've never really found somebody that can work with me that doesn't want to turn me into a morning person. I'd rather fast than eat bird seed and gravel. But maybe that's what I need to do. Dunno. I guess if and when I'm ever ready, I will. In the mean time, the books, articles, commercials, and other nags really do nothing for me but remind me that my physical condition - even though fairly common - is considered unacceptable by society. Fat is the final frontier for acceptance. I'm not expecting much of it from our new, young, thin, in-shape President.
The other thing that annoys the hell out of me is when I DO start to lose some weight, people start praising me... I know they are trying to be friendly and helpful, but I find it condescending. "Wow, you lost weight... if you keep working at it, you can be almost as good as the rest of us". If I do lose weight, I'm doing it for myself - not for the approval of the world's skinny asses. To turn this back into something on topic... the same is true of my sobriety. I'm not doing it for my church, or my job, or my family, or the judge, or the police... I'm doing it for me. If it makes me a better person, and I can respect what I see in the mirror, then I have succeeded... if others see me as a better person, that's good too. But like that old saying goes, if I cheat the man in the glass, no good can come of it.
Lastly... I have to take a look at my part in the other side of it. When it comes to alcoholism I can usually keep my hands off and my mouth shut. But when I hear about somebody's health problems, financial problems, etc, I'm all too eager to throw my own advice and opinion into the ring. I guess its because I distrust the system and want to share that distrust. I want to be the hero and shine a light on the evil, so all can see. But it doesn't really work like that. As any anti-aircraft gunner well knows, waving a light is making yourself a target. If I rail against a problem long and loud enough, most will perceive the problem as ME, not the thing I'm struggling against. That's a tough pill to swallow as my reward for a lifetime of argument and obstinance, but it seems to be the truth. Very often the winners aren't the ones making headlines.
Personally I think there are differences between the psychological impact of alcoholism and having a "physical" illness. Many alcoholics resist getting treatment for their disease and "denial" is a huge part of it. While "denial" is certainly a huge part of many of us taking care of ourselves I think it is pretty prevalent in active alcoholics.
For me boundaries are huge. I have been as much part of telling people what they "should" do as I have in other's breaking my boundaries. I have tremendous health issues and I work pretty hard to get better of them without becoming an "expert" in what anyone else should do.
For me personally seeking support elsewhere around people who are boundaried is so key. I can only take so much of having my boundaries trashed. I also have to look at my own behavior around others. I no longer "offer" anything unless I am asked to. I no longer "presume" anyone wants my help. I really have to resist that as there is a huge part of me that still wants to be a people pleaser. Part of getting better for me has been the key issue of understanding that some people may not like me at all. I can live with that today. They don't have to like me. I am no longer wiling however to let them express that in acting out on me.
Getting to new support bases is so hard for some of us who are codependent. I want other people to change, to support and care for me in ways I need. I don't want to go out and get the support, care, understanding and mirroring I need. I want to transform others more sometimes than I want to take care of me.
