The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think it's pretty rare in Alanon to find a person who never talks about their A. Certainly when new in the program, you want to vent and try to communicate your situation, but after a while you begin to realize that we've all been through it in one way or another, and one need not go into all the details in order to work the program.
However I find it helpful to hear, and give examples - try to keep the focus on my own behavior, how I handled the situation. Not always in exemplary program fashion that's for sure. I think keeping the focus on ourselves doesn't mean we *never* mention the A... but I've observed some old timers in the program who talk about their A the way they would talk about the weather. Something beyond their control, but a subject in how it has affected us, what we have or have not done to deal with it.
I was thinking about this while shoveling snow yesterday. Or rather busting ice. Where I live I don't get a lot of snow, but when we do get a big one - like 5 inches of snow, half an inch of freezing rain, followed by another 4 inches of snow - I'm reminded once again that I chose to live on a private road on top of a hill. And that I'm powerless over mother nature. I'm not the best physical specimen and clearing the road would be impossible on my own. But yesterday it was a team effort with the neighbors, and we got it done in pretty good time. At least I could help to some degree. I was thinking about how I could share my ESH on the subject of snow removal... If I'm going to talk about it, a little background is necessary. Like, explaining the hill, the fact that no city or county equipment is going to take it on. I can stay home (and I have sometimes) or I can go tackle it to the best of my ability in the moment. Simply bitching about it... that my 4wd won't cut it, the morons who graded the road, or dammit I want to move to California... that's living in the disease. And if I were to venture out in dress shoes, T-shirt, and shorts I'd be inviting disaster just because I neglected the tools that I already know how to use: a warm coat, boots, gloves, shovel, scraper, bag of salt. The tools don't do the work for me. But they give me a better chance of getting the job done than without.
The fact of the matter is I have to shovel snow maybe 5-7 times a year. That's actually more often than I have to deal with an active alcoholic. I'm grateful for that. And I perhaps get complacent about it, and I feel like I'm less helpful to those who are up to their asses in Alcoholigators. I've chosen not to live with active A-ism, and I've chosen the latitude (and altitude) I live in. Not everyone has a choice for either at a given moment. When I see someone living in the Alanon equivalent of Siberia, and that they can be happy, joyous and free (zing?) I am inspired. I know the program works and the tools are there should I be in more immediate need. And as I learned yesterday, sometimes HP works through people... in this case neighbors with power tools.
Great share, Barisax!! In the context of a meeting, I have heard it said that if the focus is on the A, then the meeting is not in the solution. The first meeting I went to was all about bit**ing and moaning about the A and everything that he/she had done wrong. It was all "whoa is me"--looking back, a class-A pity party.
Sometimes we do need to vent in a safe place like a meeting or here on MIP. But, if we stay in the problem, we never get better. And I didn't, until I found a meeting that followed the Steps and the Traditions and was attended by folks who wanted to get better and who were walking the walk and not just talking the talk.
The temptation is always there, though, isn't it?? It is so much easier to focus on what is wrong with the A than to keep the focus on me--the only person I actually have any control over....
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Thanks I love your post and I agree totally , for me talking about the alcoholic in my life when I first arrived here was left for coffee after the meeting and even that got stale after awhile . when I arrived here there was no me , just him and the disease . after listening to me for a few months my sponsor challenged me to go to meetings and not talk about *him * needless to say it was weeks before i had anything to say . ha! when I talk about him or put him down I was told i was part of the problem not in the solution . New commers don't understand yet the opportunity they are getting to share what has affected them and how to fix it for themselves so we all give them a little le way in the beginning. As it says in our opening changed attitudes can aide recovery , ( I thought they meant his ) hmm seems they meant mine . hehe Louise
I came to al-anon because I had no where else to go. My usual tools of denial and pretend no longer worked. On the outside everything looked fine on the inside I was filled with anger, resentment, self pity and fear. Al-Anon room were the first place I felt safe enough to own my feelings and admit the truth about the disaster my life really was. It was my first step in being honest. The senior members embraced me and assured me I was not alone and that there was help in these rooms. All I had to do was to keep coming back, Listen and Learn and keep an open mind. I too had little to say the first few months after my initial introductions but I picked up a few simple tools and began to use them daily. Many of the tools like the steps were to difficult for me in the beginning but the slogans were my main stay. Focus on yourself, Live and Let Live ( I got the let live part easy) learning how to live was a process. To this day after 25 years I still do my grtitude list each morning, Read the CTC, Turn my will and life over to HP and Live a day at a time. When i talk about why I arrived in al-anon I say I am my own qualifer. As far as talking about the A (my son who relapsed after 12years in program and passed away in his sleep) I still cannot go there. The tools of alanon have saved my life and sanity but I do know it is a process and I will always need these tools on a daily basis
Aloha Barisax...interesting share and with great responses. Again thanks to the oldtimers cause I am assured that when I got here I was normal. I did what most of the newcomers did then and do now...focus on the alcoholic or addicted spouse, relative, friend or associated. There were no rules at the door but there was love and compassion, empathy, n patience inside the room. They had the experience of doing the same thing as I was doing even though they had learned a new way of living. In time if I continued to hang around and follow suggestions, experiences and direct- ion I would change and move toward what was necessary to recover in the way that they were living it. My focus on the alcoholic looking back was normal and temporary and then finally done with. My greatest gratitude is with my HP for being cunning, powerful and baffling. My next gratitude is for the old timers of this program that warmly accepted me and had the patience to teach inspite of my pride and ego. They were mostly women then as my HP saw fit. Its okay for the new comer (for me) to take as much time as they need to finally get "into" program. I love miracles and can be patient until they arrive.
Become an old timer...Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I am new to this group and I like reading the posts about the alcoholics' behavior. They help me learn about alcoholism. Yes, I am working on myself, but I want to understand more about this disease. The more I read that other people are experiencing the same things I am -- the less messed up I feel. "Oh, it's not me." This is a forum, not a meeting. So, anyway, that's my feeling. Thanks for posting.
Hi Barisax, Thanks SO MUCH for your "chilling" story. We don't have much ice down here in Houston, but I certainly related to your anecdote.
Like you, it really helps me a lot to hear real-life examples of real situations that come up in the real lives of real Al-Anons. And how those were handled in accordance with the principles of the program. At my home group (face-to-face) we often do this, especially when there are no newcomers at the meeting. Most of us have learned to give a BRIEF overview of the situation and focus our story on what happened to US, instead of going on and on about the alcoholic's behavior.
Gran in Texas (where it's 74 degrees and sunny today)
