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Well, tried dropping my child of at the A's mother's last night. But, she assured me the A wasn't there so I ended up staying for lasagna. Was getting ready to leave when in he walked- obviously messed up. My child ran to him Daddy Daddy, etc. He made a big deal about holding him, etc. I didn't even look at the A. The A tried to tell me bye but I didn't speak. My poor child was upset when we left because he doesnt ever get to see his dad. I let him call the A to tell him- don't know if that was right or not. Of course, once again I was bothered by the sight of him. Should feel anger and tried to present myself that way- I mean he stole from me, but instead still felt affection.
Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself the same way you would if your best friend told you your story. What would you tell her?
I can tell you that when I first separated, things were very very rough for a period of time between my estranged and me and I feel regret for some of my actions. Emotions are a tough thing to deal with, as is the disease of alcoholism.
A sponsor shared with me, Maria when he's messed, just visualize the words sick, sick, sick across their forehead because alcoholism is a disease. It's easier to love the person and hate the disease.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I am so glad your little one saw gma. that is precious.
My experience was as long as my kids were safe, their relationships with their fathers was up to them.I never came between that. It was important that I was neutral with them if the kids were there.
Kids cannot stand being torn between two parents. I believe you did great by allowing your child to call his dad. It was very mature of you.
I see great progress. You felt what you did, there is no right or wrong. You looked back at it to think about it. That shows progress.
Progress is not always pretty ya know, sometimes it is very messy and painful.
for me it is not so much what happened it is more, how it made me feel.
So glad you are still here, very glad. hugs,debilyn
They are so cagey. They say they don't know what they are doing on one hand and then on the other hand they are very calculating. My AHsober (who left this marriage) was sitting in my mother home New Year's Day holding court - chatting, be social, etc. Isnt he the bad guy? Then he leaves. I was so mad. And it showed. But I don't consider that a slip on my part; just an honest reaction.
(((((((((Co)))))))), you are making progress for I see it, even from within this post of yours.
Okay so you were ruffled by his unexpected appearance, I think I would have been too. Difficult situation to be put into, especially after you had probably relaxed during the meal.
I agree with Nancy, you reaction was just honesty and that is no bad thing. It is something you have recognised and considered and you know that is when we make the progress. Here is something to work on, should you choose, for nothing changes unless something is changed.
Be gentle, discovery can sometimes rock the boat, but the water will settle again and you will find peace and you will grow from this too. Gentle, loving hearts find it hard NOT to be compassionate.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
My ex A broke into my house and stole for me and I still felt affection. Now I feel like he is a step above a stranger on the street. I have friends that I feel more affection for than him. Time heals all. For me sometimes grabbing onto that anger and holding it really tight helped me to maintain. I think we codependents are extremely forgiving but rarely forget - or let them forget... Eventually the anger faded into pity but lesson learned - you can't trust him.
I think you are absolutely on track. I felt a lot of affection/caring for the A for a long long time. Even after I moved out I helped him for a long long time. I did a lot for him. I cared deeply about him. That does not go away over night. I also found it hard to hold the two, affection and anger. I am now at a place where I no longer care so deeply. I got to a place where I did not see the A at all. That helped. What helped most of all was detaching. I went out of my way to do that. I went out of my way not to know.
I know you are not in a position to cut off entirely as you have a child together. I do know unequivocally that detaching helped but I had to work on it day and night. I also had to process a great deal. I know you are doing a great great job in seeking support for yourself.
For me personally for a long long time (and still today) I had to really limit seeing and dealing with people who dealt with the a. That was difficult, there were some people like his Uncle who were really kind and sweet to him, nevertheless their principal attachment was to the A. I doubt it is now but I have not checked that out. He tends to burn through people pretty quick.
In time you'll get much better at boundaries. Your feelings are a guide to the boundary. Feel like you lost ground, tighten up the boundaries, stay less long. Take care.
