im new... HELLO!! Want to share a bit here - Al-Anon Family Group

Jehnifer · Member

im new... HELLO!! Want to share a bit here

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you are here. Detaching is a real art. At the top of this page, one of our generous members is offering a book Getting them Sober. I think that is a real god send. See if you can take advantage of that.

We have all been where you are, really irritated. It is possible to find tools to help with that. Detachment s one of them. You can find ways to do that at www.coping.org. Be aware this takes a lot of practice!

Maresie.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

oh I do know how you feel.
I can't always do it but two things I find are benefits of finding some happiness of my own and detaching

1. no matter what happens or doesn't with him I get to enjoy at least just a little of life.

2. With time it really pisses him off- kinda fun!! didn't say it was healthy to laugh at him but kinda fun to get him back in a healthly way that's good for me. My guy thrives on my unhappiness and tries to make me feel responsible for his, and tries to step up and have his own happiness when I detach, the more I ignore him- yet appear happy and busy busy busy- the more he reaches out to me- thanks for reminding me of that I needed it today!

I can't decied to leave him today for some reason but I can punish him by being happy and having a full life something I want regardless of him anyway

PS detaching isn't mean it's just not letting his mood be yours or trying to make yours his- or trying too hard to "cheer them up".

PS you could either get the door or say "sorry can't get it right now" hon.
?? maybe???

Jehnifer · Member

thanks to you both:

you said "it's just not letting his mood be yours or trying to make yours his- or trying too hard to "cheer them up". " THATS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON! BUt its sooo hard to do...

So is it OK for me to choose to do other things tonight - go to alanon or the bookstore - instead of going home? I know it sounds like avoidance, but why would I choose to go back into the house to that horrible anger?

And is it oK for me to stop playing nicey nice like saying "hey!" when he comes home, or "can I make you some breakfast?" when I barely get a response? IS ti OK if I just stop trying to communicate with him?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Jehnifer...aloha!!

There is no way not to communicate with another person expecially one
you have lived with a long time. Most of our communication is by body
language alone.   One of the guidepost I used in Al-Anon Recovery was
to make my communications honest.   What my body was saying was
what I was verbally saying and also how I was thinking and feeling about
a certain thing at that time.   It also required that I communicate with
respect for the person I was talking to along with compassion. My
communication had to be open and that mean't its a two way communication.
I do not learn much by talking and I need the other persons input in
order to keep the relationship in balance. I cannot communicate using
assumption as the basis of my input so asking questions from others
is very important. Communications are never ended as long as I have
memory about it and I would like to have good memories of them all
if at all possible. If I am in a state of defense or fear I put the
communication off until I can wholely participate.

Those are just for me and I believe that how we communicate with
others, especially with others who are under the influence of mind, mood
and emotion influencing alcohol and drugs is very important.

Keep coming back. (((((hugs))))) smile

buick23 · Senior Member

You do whatever you think you should do. In my bf's early recovery he didn't communicate at all for a while. I stopped talking to him because I didn't get responses. It did get better and we communicate more now.

I used to walk on eggshells and I know it is no fun. I stopped doing that thanks to alanon. I don't think there is anything wrong with doing other things, going to the bookstore and alanon, like you mentioned.

I don't feel guilty anymore when I go somewhere without him, especially since he likes to spend most weekends with his friend and not me. I don't sit at home waiting for him anymore. That got me nowhere.

I hope you will find this site as valuable as I have and do. It's a great place with great people who can relate.

buick

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

hi there and welcome ,u don'tsay if yur husb is in a program or not I am assuming he isn't , a dry drunk is somethimes worse than a drunk one , as for your dilema once in program we begin to realize we have choices and one of ours is to get Happy regardless of what he is doing , I love the statement Bloom Where Your Planted !!! you can sit at home and wait for him to get happy or u can get happy for me it was really that simple , his mood is his problem don't make it yours . Staying home and getting a resentment for missing out on a good movie or family dinners etc or out to a movie with a friend is a waste of your life and if your like me u had done that enough before they quit drinking . I always invited my husb to come with us if he didn't want to I learned to go anyway good ole plan B . make your plans just don't plan the outcome . it's not up to me to explain to family or friends why he isn't with us , I just say I don't know why he didn't want to come today u can ask him the next time u see him . conversation is over . no more excuses for me . Often when we start to get our lives back the alcoholic will follow sometimes not but again his choice . We only get to go around once there is no replay as far as life is concerned so get the most out of each day and leave his moods with him where they belong . good luck Louise

db55 · Veteran Member

Jennifer, thank you for sharing your story. I am new to this group, too. You just about described my life. It is really helping me to read all these posts and learn that I am not alone. My alcoholic husband yelled at me last night because I didn't get up and let the dog out while the dog sat at HIS side whining. He didn't even ask me if I would let the dog out... he just lit into me for not getting up and meeting HIS needs! He is attending AA now (again), but who knows. I hope that as I read more and learn more and get more skills... I won't react to this insanity with anger. I like the suggestion to you of just saying nicely..."I can't get it right now, can you?" That kind of response is my goal right now. Thanks again and my best to you and everyone else here.
Sincerely,
db55

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place. My AHsober has not drank in over 20 years. He has also not made any progress emotionally because he refuses to work a program. He left; walked out the door. His dry drunk has been worse than any drunk that I went thru with him. Keep coming back, go to mettings, read the books and focus on you.

In support,
Nancy

mon123 · Veteran Member

Hi Haven't been on here for ages and this is the first thread I've looked at.
amazing
My A is almost up to his 3rd birthday and is heading into this kinda behaviour again.
I'm sure its because hes not hugely happy in his home group. Hes looking for another one with more newcomers which will hopefully keep the program alive for him.
Its hard work to stay balencd even when the program is worked well.

I am aware though that whether he is drinking, sober, or working his program my responsiblity is to keep the focus on me.
If I get sucked into HIS lack of serenity mine will soon disappear too.

I've recently heard that the alcoholic marriage is a power struggle whether there is drinking in it or not.
I have to keep hold of my boundaries and refuse to walk on those egg shells. My needs and wants are every bit as important as his.
There are times though that I know I am being baited into reacting. He has a need sometimes to engineer an atmosphere which is destrustive to him. He almost wants to be able to sulk.
He wants to know he still has that control over me and can alter my mood and feelings just by acting out.
I can therefore choose to ignore his teen like angst and just not join in.

When I fall into his negativity I know I am not being true to my Alanon principles.
I can accept progress and not perfection and begin again.
It begins with me though.

Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make their mind up to be.

I also though have to acccept my part in chaos.
There are times I have baiting him back because I wasnt to get rid of MY frustration and have the excuse to shout !!!!

Ha its amazing to me this subject has come up just as I'm working my way through it

Thats HP

Mon

Jehnifer · Member

THANK YOU ALL!!! You guys are amazing. So much insight. And now I don't feel so all alone. Taking God with me when I go home from work tonight (I'm battliing the fear and trying to stay in faith). That's what my sponsor suggested.

Quiltgurl · Newbie

Hi Jehn,
I've been in your shoes, too. I learned to detach over time and found a great little book that really helped me, "When I got busy, I got better"

And low and behold, do you know what happened? I rediscovered a hobby that I had given up during my A's disease. I spent more time reading, playing games, and laughing with our son. It was hard at first but I learned to physically distance myself and just ignore him. His behaviour didn't warrant my attention (just like you would treat a child).

Many Hugs!!
Tracey

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.