The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well like an idot I was looking at a relationship building exercise online, that includes the "di-add" (sp?), where you look into your partners eyes for extended periods of time and share etc... exercises he OF COURSE- REJECTED at the moment i brought it up. Then this morning said " I would do anything to help us" of course I want to try it. Of course he's about to leave for work so there is no threat of me saying okay now... thus the positive response It's like he says whatever, and the truth matters not at all.
We went to a seminar once where he did this with others but then rejected me when it was "our time" to di-add or wherever.
Feels like if we did do these exercises I would be accepting 3 year old cold leftovers. I suppose this is resentment- but really.. even if he did agree to do this now he could just be faking it and humoring me and laughing at me inside- since he has for 3 years REFUSED to share with me anything along these lines especially directly regarding the seminar.
I don't know what I want- him living alone under a bridge and me moving on to someone at least half way healthy someday or alone - which really sounds good believe it or not. or
this long invested - accept 3 year old cold leftovers and try to have a life with him? IF he is ever sincere and real I feel I could accept and truely let go of old stuff but besides the fact he acts he is doing me a favor to be with me- or rather ignores how huge it is to forgive all his stuff- how do you tell if they are sincere when heartfelt honest seems to not even exist for him or his whole family! Like he can make up the truth anytime he wants as long as it makes him look good?
CAn I mention he has never admitted ONE wrong small thing or thought or anything for the 6 years I"ve known him- no one is perfect so you know he's lieing there.
I certainly stood on my head lots of times to try to improve communication with the ex A. I can't advise you what to do. I do know making a plan be helped me. I stopped being in the either/or stuff. I started focusing on that I had choices. I did not like any of those choices but nevertheless I had them.
I relate Glad!! Trying to have relationships with people too tied up in relationships with other people, places and things. We didn't have much in common. I would rather they place some focus of me and us and they would rather I get on their bus and participate or get on the bus and keep quiet. I wasn't good at knowing what it was that I wanted. I didn't have an idea of what was good for me. I rarely sought outside help and guidance and when I got outside guidance I rejected it for a insane compulsion. I didn't know and I didn't know that I didn't know that I needed lots of help to fix me before making decisions for myself about what was good for me. After being here for a while, taking the suggestions, listening, learning and following thru on what I took coming back later for what I left for later, I have found out about me and what I needed and what I like and what my assets and disabilities are.
Al-Anon was not an alternative for me while I lived in my diseased - dysfunctional family. I doubt that I would have listened had it been an alternative. Today however is program day, my program day. I get to live my life as I have been directed according to my needs and desires after hooking up with the only entity so important to me that I have no doubts about our relationship...of course that is my HP.
I once heard in program and also read somewhere, "The life you have is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift to God."
If he isn't into participating with you and hasn't been for a while then chance are he will continue that in the future because you aren't or do not have "the" reason and motivation for him to come along. It's okay to go on for yourself. You are responsible.
