The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In my meeting last night, the meeting leader spoke of the three obstacles to success, as they always do. As I have heard and read many times before. For the first time, when #2 Gossip was read, I heard: "We do not discuss members or others, and particularily not the alcoholic."
Also, I think I read on this board that it was words of someones sponsor that while it is important to take our own inventory, that it is not part of our program to take the inventory of our A's, and especially not further air it out to others. This spoke to me then. And now.
This is something that I feel I have done way to much of in my life. Paying attention to what aH does so much and then using it as amunition to prove what an indecent human being he is, to justify feeling what I feel, doing what I do, etc. I am seeing a little more clearly that I can see what he does, how it affects me, and use the information to make good decisions for myself. That what he does or is doing is his worry, his problem to fix, or not fix. That it is all up to him. Just because he was fortunate enough to marry me (wink wink) doesn't mean that gives me rights to treat him in an undignified way, just like I wouldn't do that to my boss, the bank teller, the mailman, or any of you. I would like to work towards changing this practice.
anyways, just some thoughts from me today...have a good day
I too feel that I have used this too justify my behaviors for much of my life prior to recovery.
In recovery I have learned that all that does is just feed the merry-go-round of insanity, victim mentality and promotes NO part of recovery in my life.
Today I can say - even tho they may relapse, retaliate and throw all the stones in the world at me - I can still walk with dignity and self-respect. It's about keep my garden of self clean and free of weeds of anger, revenge and self-pity.
This keeps me on the path of being Happy, Joyous and Free.
Praying each of you have a day that is filled with Serenity, Joy and Love, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I don't know if your meetings have the little "Keep the focus" on Al-Anon card and/or read it before the meeting starts. I cannot remember when it because a practice in my home meeting and it is very good direction to all of the usual members and new comers who attend. We all learn very soon in this program to quit with the Al-Anon Salute....you know pointing that index finger straight out and wagging it up and down and up and down and up and down....
You know I think we have to get better at certain things like detaching before we can put the mandate on gossiping. I know I sounded off to anyone who woud listen until I learned to detach. I still need to sound off and i have not been with the a for 2 years. I am around other active alcoholics and they do affect me. I try really hard not to know what is going on in their lives at the same time their actions do affect me.
After I had been going to alanon for some time, a long time member shared a story about an alanoner who kept attending meetings but kept the focus on what the A was doing, what the A was not doing, how the A was making her feel, how the A did not meet her needs.
Well he continued to share that at one meeting one evening after the alanoner had finished yet another rant about their A, another long time member simply said "who the hell invited him here?"
Yikes I thought, that was harsh. As it turns out the alanoner had been coming for a long time so they were not as taken aback as I might have been as a newcomer.
Today, I can chuckle at his story because this program truly is about us and the obstacles are merely opportunities for us to grow.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Am I looking at ME, MY FAULTS, the areas of MY LIFE that need changing, healing, inspection? If I am NOT then I am NOT working MY PROGRAMME.
So I guess I have to admit that whilst I am working my programme my focus has to be very SELFISH - ME not the A. The A is responsible for their life, whilst I am responsible for mine.
As a selfless person, I am always being told that I do not consider what is good for me enough, nor do I put myself first as often as I should. Working this programme I have become more self absorbed in my contributions to my situation today, and that take SELFISH reflection. So I am becoming selfish in a healthy way and that stops me focusing on the A.
I am only able to change me, and I therefore should only be interested in what needs changing in me, so I keep focussed on me for those very reasons, within this programme. That does not stop me from being caring, conscious and compassionate for others, it just means that I stay focussed for the right reasons within Al-anon in order to progress to holistic health - my life's ambition.
You are doing well to recognise that your attention needs to be on you, and the obstacle is now removed...hooray! (Be conscious that you do not put the obstacle back up by watchfulness.)
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I agree. However, I think that there is a time,especially in the beginning of our recovery, that we have the need to talk about the A and what they are doing and saying. Especially here and at a meeting. Because it is here that judgement will not be placed. It is here that people will not be shocked at the A's behavior and judge them. It is here that people let you know that it has happened to them. I know for myself, that getting it out, what terrible things that AH has done, is a form of recovery because I am admitting it.
NOw, as recovery progresses, the focus should be on us/you. I know that for the last 2 weeks, I had to get all of this venom out. Now, I am at the stage where I need to heal. Not put the focus on my AH, but on getting me better.
