The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would say it is driving me crazy, but I am there already.
For weeks and weeks I dream about my first husband every single night. My doctor told me I am trying to connect with him.
For awhile it was kinda nice, was the only time I was not alone. But now it is affecting me even when I wake up. It almost scares me as if I don't dream a about him, then what will it be?
The dreams are not always nice either. Last night it was like Science Fiction and very real.
If he is not there, who will be? I wish I could afford a counselor or? It's not like I can fix the problem uno?
Have lots to do, am not bored. Am struggling financially but I have a home over our heads now, and squeaking by. Still looking for people to rent the pasture.
I never see anyone. My son and I talk once in awhile. He is available. I did not call him nor could he call me for three days, my phones were messed up, so he came out late at night. That was nice. (o:
Trouble is, this really got worse when I found out my AH has cancer, and is very ill, heading for prison. I feel like I need to apologise for caring about him. strange eh?
Cannot imagine a world with out him and my deceased AH. There was a time I was so confused as I loved them both all my life. Used to be embarrassed about that. But after a time, I realized it was what it was.
If I could go back, I would have forgiven my first AH for driving drunk with the kids and set boundaries. We had no idea about AA and Alanon, we were so young, late twenties. He was such a neat guy. Being so young, I really don't know if he was A or or still just a partying kid.
So here I am twenty nine years from my first AH's death, 7 years from my now AH's time he was no longer my husband for sure. 9 years from my mother dieing. six or so years my close friend died on her way here to live with me. three years since I lost my adoptive mom,two aunts, three uncles, my daddy.
Then various years from my friends dieing since 2000.
I was thinking today that for me, my experience is grieving needs love to heal. We lose a loved one then our family of loved ones, friends etc. love us and help us to heal. Trouble is, for me, there has been no one to help me since my first AH died. I had friends, family etc. I let it out a few times, but was always trying to be tough so held it in.
I remember one time, my now AH and a close friend asked me to let it out.
I felt this huge lump in my gut as I said,"his hands were grey" my husbands big carpenter hands were grey. Still makes me cry.
As more time passes, the harder it all is. The less I laugh, the less I can remember what joy feels like.
Have to find it for myself. Just have to accept it may not be in this world.
Please forgive me for venting. I know we need to, and this is such a great place for support. For some reason I feel I need to apologise.Lonliness has killed every part of me but my physical body.
Can't even write anymore. Maybe things will get better. love,debilyn
Thank you Tricia, helps when I know someone responds.
I gotta go to bed. zzzzz ???
Yes I have prayed lots today.In some ways I am afraid not to see him. I am nuts.
See 29 years this July, and it still hurts sometimes as if it were yesterday.
I don't know if you will understand this. In my beliefs, we all will be resurrected, some to judgement, some to continue on living on the earth as it is brought back to perfection with heaven holding our king, Jesus and his human spirit kings and priests.
I am looking at this site that has matches for those in my faith. But I keep thinking when I am resurrected, I so want to be with my first husband. Maybe that is what is making me dream of him also.
Gotta put it in hp hands and stop this madness.
Tomorrow I have to pick up a needy dog to see if I can help him by my being such an alpha. He has sep anxiety, which all comes down to his not having anyone who is his alpha.dogs need the security of his pack and knowing who his alphas are.
He is very nice looking. fawn with a black mask. Is staffy terrior and Boxer. I love both breeds. I guess he is a cuddly couch potato.
sounds like you have a lot of grief and sad experiences of loss to reflect on these days. It sounds like you are hurting very much. I hope you can find a way to balance those griefs that are causing you so much hurt lately, with your gratitudes that cause you peace and joy.
Sometimes I have very vivid (and disturbing) dreams. I can relate to how distraught they can make me in my awake life. For me, what helps is to avoid outside sources of violence, tv and novels, especially before bed, it helps keep the dreams away. I am very sensitive and affected by vivid science viction and violence. That old saying, "oh don't let her watch that, it will give her nightmares" is right on with me. Now I read "chicken soup for the soul" before bed.
There is no one way of grieving and healing. It all takes time and it is different for everyone of us. Such love, I hear such love in your heart and soul. You know Jehovah (forgive me if I am being presumptuous here) is aware of that deep deep love you have for your first husband and your second one who still suffers so badly in this world with his personal alcohol and cancer issues.
Might I suggest, give all of that deep love and suffering to Jehovah EACH TIME IT COMES TO YOU WHETHER IT BE in dreams, in waking moments, in conscious moments or when it takes you by complete surprise. Perhaps you might also try consciously saying something as simple as: "Jehovah, everything I feel you feel but you are so much more able to hold on to these feelings that overwhelm me, please take them on your YOKE and release me for these BURDENS." and then simply ask for peace in your heart, your head and your body, and I am sure it will be given to you.
I know you have a deep faith in your Jehovah (who is your Higher Power) and a close relationship with Him, use Him to help you feel these things and let go of hurt and the pain TO HIM.
You are in my daily prayers dear friend, I visit your beautiful mountain each day when I visualize the wonder of that mountain and its pastures and picture you walking in peace with your loved ones by your side. You are being cared for, you are NOT ALONE in spirit though bodily you may feel you are completely alone.
I am going to pray each night as I go to bed that you will also have a peaceful, healing and comforting sleep. (Time zones taken into consideration, I will be praying probably as you are getting up, or near enough - lol).
I am sending you a private message too as I want to share something that is inappropriate to write here, however, remember you are not forgotten, nor are you alone in your journey.
Take care dear one, Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I relate to your headline topic. I have been dreaming of him too, not intentionally. He's just been popping into my dreams. A dream of when I first met him, he was 25. He was very handsome. In the dream, I put my arms around him and pulled near to lay my head against his chest. There was a time when this felt like the safest place in the world to me. In my dream, it was not the same, there was a powerful negative energy, not what I was expecting to feel. And, I woke up crying. It hit me again, my husband, no more. The grieving continues, just keeps popping up, even in the subconscious. And I still feel a profound loss.
Grief needs to be released. Don't apologize for it and don't be afraid.
Be very gentle with yourself, Debilyn. Please vent and then vent some more. Get it all out. We will be here to listen. (((hugs)))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I hope you are a little better now. I've heard dreams are reflections of what goes on in our minds. I cherish dreaming about my grandma. When I wake up I know she's not really around anymore and it makes me sad but happy at the same time that I dreamed about her. Those dreams are so real.
I too feel lonely a lot but try not to show it. I've learned to be strong and sometimes I get tired of that. My bf is around, but emotionally unavailable (still). The hardest times for me are when my daughter is with her dad, we share custody.
Sometimes I replay the past and wish things went differently but then I remind myself what was, was, it's in the past and I can't change it.
I know you will get along well with that "cuddly couch potato" . You have such a big heart and I'm thankful I know you through this message board. Your animals are so lucky to have you there. I still feel guilty for not being able to keep our pitbull Deleilah. I do tell myself that she has a good home now even though that doesn't always help.
The A who I was with had to life threatening illnesses. Guess what he appears to be still living. None of us know when they are going to die. Certainly certain diagnoses pertain to their time is shortened but actually being an alcoholi means that too.
I used to wonder how long the A would last but I have to remember its all in God's time. I have no idea how he even lives one day to the next. I no longer think anything I do has any influence on him or ever did.
I do know for sure if someone has a DUI its a sure sign they have an issue. Drinking and driving and getting caught is a sure sign someone went beyond the consequences. I no longer think alcoholic or not alcoholic but I do look at those who "use" lots of alcohol and those who use drugs with a lot of distance. I would not even consider on any level committing to any one who does again. The damage is too horrendous.
I dream only rarely. I have "visitations" from the dead which are not dreams but visits in the place between being awake and being asleep. These are quite different from dreams. I do not have visitations very often, either. I love to sleep and sleep so well and so deeply and in such a nourishing fashion. Its one of the things I am so grateful for.
My visits have come from the dead and from the living who are far away. Only with people I am so very close to. SO VERY close to- my best people (and one cat!). My old favorite cat, she visits sometimes. She has been dead for many years but she still comes sometimes, just to sit and purr, its very nice.
Sometimes there are messages. Sometimes, there is just simple conversation, a chat just like an old friend dropping in for coffee.
Try to lighten up about it, if you can Debilyn. Try to laugh with him, Laughter can break any kind of spell or seriousness or fear, etc. I recommend laughing with someone somehow. I know it may not be possible but that is my ESH- hugs, J.
I've learned that the only way around grief is to go through it. It's said that if we defer grief, it keeps resurfacing each time another occurence happens and is like a snowball effect.
When you feel ready, let me know, I have a great book I'd love to share with you.
be gentle with you my friend, love Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Thank you all so much. Last night there were no dreams, just sleep. Studied for awhile and prayed for what I needed. Sometimes I forget to ask for "me" stuff.
Today felt lighter. Met the dog. He is so cute. Fawn with a black mask. When I saw him and he saw me, wow, it was like instant bond.
this does not always happen. He knew I was the alpha and immediately sat next to me not his previous owner. haha. She was a doll though. Her husband cannot take him to work anymore, he cannot come inside the main house as they are allergic. So he is sad.
I know he will love it here. Short chunk of a guy. I keep calling him moose.
Each one of you reminded me of things.
The suggestion to lighten up, made me think how I can only achieve that by lightening up during the day. Relax my mind.
It is one of those whatever will be will be things. My mother used to sing that song.
Have forgotten how to be light. Need to play somehow.
I would say it is driving me crazy, but I am there already.
. You have such a big heart and I'm thankful I know you through this message board. Your animals are so lucky to have you there. I still feel guilty for not being able to keep our pitbull Deleilah. I do tell myself that she has a good home now even though that doesn't always help.