The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just wanted to thank you all for your replys and for making me feel welcome, I am in such a state, This is day 15 of the drinking, I tried to get him to go for help today, but due to him now being charged for it he dicided to try to stop on his own by slowing it down, worked once before , but i don't think it will this time. He looks terrible doesn't eat etc. I have said some terrible things to him in anger as he has said so many horrible things to me, I also do some of the things i shouldn't. I am just so hurt and so angry that i have been there for him all these years and he has had so many oppurtunities to stop and he doesn't. I know it is called a desease but i also believe if you really want to continue to stay solber you know the right things to do. and he does. It is almost like a game of pity and attention for him. I have told him i cannot do this anymore, have wasted so much and have given up so much to wait for a change and feel if he has not done it yet..he will never do it,A matter of taking his meds for bipolor and drinking and his meds for depression and he chooses not to do this, which could help him, gets me so upset as i am watching him die and i can't take it... He has done and said so many hurtful things to the only one that has always been there, i don't think i can ever forgive or trust him again. anyway what i really wanted to say to you all is thanks for letting me know your out there... Mary
In my experience, they have to believe life sober, on program is better than using.
Same well almost the same as, I believe eating healthy is so much better than eating junk.
Sadly he is so very sick. We have no control over that. I learned that we can know things all we want, until we believe it, it is not going to matter.
Like we know smoking is wrong, many want to quit, but they do not believe not smoking is better.
The A is "DRIVEN" to use,no different than we are driven to need water. Nothing can stop them,but coming to a place that they cannot stand it anymore and will do anything to stop.
He cannot slow down or whatever. His body craves what it thinks it needs.
What he needs is to detox. Even if he started using again, he needs to detox and get some rehab time.
The thing about Alanon is, we learn to let it go. We cannot do a single thing to stop them. What helps them is for us to take care of our own needs and not allow the sickness to affect us. At least not to respond to it by yelling and blaming etc.
Think of it as if he had cancer. It is totally up to him to get help, when he is ready.
Like cancer, he can and will most likely relapse. This is when we decide if we can or choose to go through it again.
Some of us can live with the A. We can accept him as is, and go on with our own life. I loved and love my A so much. I wanted to stay with him. I had everything in my name, I brought in all the income. Learned from MIP how to not allow the disease to eat me up. But it did pull me in or try to pull me into the pit.
If the disease got nasty I left the room. if he was ok we could sit on the double recliner and hold hands. The smell of alcohol did not bug me anymore. What got me was the physical abuse. That was that.
So if you want to stay, MIP can help you to learn skills to stay and not allow it eat you up. Or we can help you to figure out if you want to leave.
I am glad you found this site and I hope that you will go to the white pages of your telephone book and look up the hotline number for the face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings in your area. The program is world wide and growing as there is no lack of people suffering from this disease and who also feel so alone and confused. The program is out in your neighborhood and there is a chain waiting for you to come and take it. You don't have to go thru this alone as there a millions of us who also have been where you are at and felt as you feel now and then had our lives rescued.
You will learn more about the disease aspect of alcoholism and how it affects everyone it comes in contact with and that the alcoholic can never be cured but can recover thru total abstinence. This is a four fold disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. It is a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body. The alcoholic loses the choice about drinking as the alcohol takes over all control.
I am glad you found us. The face to face conversations with all of the literature at the meetings will do much more to save you and lead you to a better way of living. It saved my life and hundreds of thousands more.
I just wanted to tell you a lt about my A Father... When he was here, it drove me crazy for YEARS, his drinking everyday, his mean words, his mean spirit when he hadn't had enough to drink when something went wrong, and before I even found Al-anon, I knew in my heart that in order for me to move forward with him I had to "Let Go"... Now I still visited my father regularly, (by myself) I still went and stayed with him to watch movies or lifetime...lol.. but when he was in his Vile mood I would simply walk out, and before I would go to his home (everytime) I had a little "Quote" per say that I would review in my head the whole way to his house "If I expect Nothing, I wont leave disappointed"... And that saying ALONE, gave me a couple more "Desent" years with my father... I excepted that his choices he had to live with, and I would not fight with him anymore, I would not allow him to get me upset... That saying gave me a realationship with my father, that I had so wanted for years, but couldn't get past his drinking... My faith in God is what kept me going back... I sometimes thought that maybe I was wrong in the fact that the only time my son got to see his pap was on the holidays... Everyone Mind ya, but I told my father after my son was born... "Dad I love you! When you are ready to be a pap, we will visit more, but I am not bringing my son to your home when I don't know what condition you will be in when we get here" So Every holiday I would pack up my son, and we would be at paps No Later then 11am... That ment, he was just getting out of bed...He was sober... And my son didn't see his Pap as a drunk... I am very grateful I set those boundrys for my son... Because tho I have explained to my son, My fathers disease, he can honestly tell you he has no bad memorys' of his Grandfather in all his 11 yrs.... Do I wish it was more...Sure do... But...I did what I felt I had to do to protect my son from his disease... Now when my father past, I went thru a stage were I couldn't get over being pissed off at him for allowing himself to go out the way he did... But...I turned back to my faith, and my sister in law "Thank God" , helped me find Al-anon, and the support here, was just what I needed... As I hope that you too will find that peace in your life... If you keep coming back...And like Jerry said, find yourself a face to face... You will find the peace you need to survive which will then give you the tools you need to see what it is that you can and will except...
Friends in Recovery.... Missing...
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
