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I've just been reading a research paper about alcoholism that describes the alcoholic as 'impulsive". The paper also suggested that there were various "cues" that the alcoholic associated with drinking.
On the same level I think when I was with the alcoholic and even today in my life there is a tendency for me to be "impulsive" in my over reacting to others. I tend to run on that impulse to over react and feel somehow that I can't hold back. There are certain cues like fear and fatigue that can set this off. And of course as a codependent I am often in fear.
I also think that there are still certain cues that can set me off on grieving about my relationship with the A. There is for me a feeling of loss of being a "we" a partnership. In reality there was rarely a partnership. I had to beg and plead to get anything out of him. And I begged day and night. He was never cooperative in any sense of the word. Yet I would "on impulse" convince myself I had something rather than bear to face reality that I had less than nothing.
The cues for me still are places I went with the A where I felt some sense of companionship. Really it was misguided denial because he was always on the "con" to get something out of me. And there never was any intimacy since he was never "honest" about anything. I think even when he came and begged me to help him he was still trying to wrangle as much attention, money and goods out of me as possible. Of course he wasn't always like that but as his disease progressed he got much worse.
I miss the home we had tremendously but really in retrospect I invested far too much in a precarious place and I knew that and chose daily to deny it rather than face reality.
So in a roundabout way I think my denial was founded on impulse. I wanted so much to be part of something I impulsively every single day chose to deny what was in front of me, a real mess that will take me years to clear up (and I talk about my part only since I have abstained from clearing up the A's mess for 2 years now).
I also had my own cues to rage and resent him so much I made myself physically ill. They were any major holiday (he used on all of them but then he used daily didn't he?). They were also my birthday specifically where I chose regularly not to do anything for myself and then raged that I was abandoned (abandoned by whom I think now). I also raged and raged and resented teh fact that the A preferred his friends and family to me. Since I raged and resented him so much I'm not suprized he ran off to anyone who supported his denial.
The impulse to rush into a relationship is also what got me here. I have to remember that. The impulse for me was overwhelming, total and completely based on denial of my needs.
Just a few thoughts on this topic. I'd welcome yours too.
The more you post the more convinced I am that your awareness is so very wide and then the voice of one of my past sponsors comes back to me after we discussed new awarenesses. "So now Jerry F, that you have discovered that you know and know that you know...now what?" I had to decide what I was going to do with the all the information I now had. Some of it of course I used to change my self alone. Alot of it, that stuff I had come to realized about other people, places and things in my life that were part of the journey, I let go. They had lost their power over my feelings and spirit and mind. All that I discovered about me and how I got to where I did, what I did and what I thought and how I reacted under the conditions, how I participated and added to the dysfunction...that was for me to help guide me to a better me. I cannot describe the journey as less than awesome, miraculous, unimaginable and delightful.
I relate to impulsive. It was one of my own discoveries. I learned that I was prone to risky behaviors...action without proper thought for about the consequences and complete disregard for additional opinion and perspective. I did it because and never understood why. Impulsiveness is mostly a child-like quality. I didn't stop being impulsive until I got too scared to trust my own thinking and came here for help. Then I grew up.
I am grateful for your ESH...it stimulates my growth.
Well you two could go on for ever & I would be that much more knowledgeable...lol...I mean I have gotten some info from your ESH that tells me the same thing as some books, but for some reason, the books are just that to me...Books with words in them...But to hear real people, making person strides to improve their lives, and dig deep with in, that is impressive to me... I have been slowly trying to improve myself as well, but I haven't reached that DEEP of a level just yet... i am still stratching the surface of my family's disease... I to have the impulse that sometimes lands me right in the middle of the "Drama" I have always wanted to detach from... I have really been working hard to know when to shut up and when to open up, and welp..In my family if your didn't speak up no one listened... Even if the words were, spiteful, mean, ignorant and miss guided... I have wore the banner of... as my father would say... "Quick Whitted" others call it being a "Smart A@@"...Only because I used my Impulse as a defince against anything I did not like to nor want to hear... And believe me...Not many could blurt it out quicker then I... I never learned the "Think before you speak"...So that is def. a struggle for me... I keep praying to my HP that he will help me work on that... But ya know everyone I whole adult life has come to me for advise, and now, keepin my mouth shut is No easy task...But yet another means to an end, if I ever figure it out...
Thanks to Maresie & Jerry... (((((HUGS))))) I love eye openers... Love & Prayers Missing...
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
This topic relates very close to the continual "dramas" in my life, and I realize that even though impulsiveness relates to an immediate reaction, the consequences are often far reaching. A one-minute engagement can end up flowing into the lives of so many people. I see that in my sober AH now, and it is not a quality I remember him so blatantly having before, but one that he engages in frequently, particulary in business matters because it is really the only area where he has any true control. The actions usually involve eliminating (firing) people because in some way, directly or indirectly, that do not enable him and support his poor decicions/behaviors. This is a problem since I am half-owner and still financially dependent somewhat. I would love to say, "Live and Let Live", and I do try, but his impulsive behaviors, all in response to defending himself, his A g/f (especially her impulsive behaviors), and their choices, have a direct impact on me. Living in a small town with a high-profile position only makes it worse. I won't get out of this divorce unscathed, not by a long shot, but I would appreciate it at this point to just stop the picking the scab open and making the scar so apparent and irrepairable. Fortunately, he gave me a heads up on the last poor decision he was going to make - the details of the situation are beyond ridiculous and crazy - and I was able to easily communicate why it would not be in his best interest. No thought of consequences, it is amazing. Perfect example of how being clean does not stop the craziness.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 09:42, 2009-01-28
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Impulsiveness is an evaluation point in mental illness, also. Its a hallmark of being bi-polar for example. My ex AH was both- an A and bi-polar. Once he picked up a large 4 foot by 3 foot sheet cake and dumped it on his best friend at his birthday party. I used to think this was really gutsy and funny. Now I wonder: "who was that woman who that that was cute?!"
My own impulsiveness: if anything did not go my way- I split or disappeared. Generated great havoc in lots of ways. I quit jobs, quit good friends and healthy relationships, stayed put in the bad ones!! LOL!!! Right now, I have a terrific job but the honeymoon is over- I have been in this job for 6 months. I want to bolt. But I am not going to. In the past, I would have. Because of this program I am going to wait and see and do what is best for me and my career which is to stay in the job for at least a year, if not two. Makes sense, right?!
I can relate to this post in several ways. I can look back and see how impulsive I have been over the years and can also see the symptom of my codependence (my father was an A) going back into my teenage years. I also feel a lot of fear and can now at least recognize it and have the opportunity
Heck - I'm married to my AH now because of an impulse. As aggravating and hurtful as live with him can be, I still have to be grateful to him because without him and without this particular impulse, I would not have my 3 lovely kids (the first of which was also the result of an impulse!). I would not have met people like you and the others on this board and in the Al-Anon program. I would not have gained some awareness and insight into my past behavior and feelings. I would not have gained the courage to start examining my boundaries (rather, the lack thereof) and building the courage to consider setting some new ones.
All that being said, while I do have a lot to be grateful for, I also have some tools now to help restrain or guide my impulses. These tools continually reveal themselves to me through you and others on this board.
Thank you so much for your continued sharing - it really helps me.
