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Have been seperated for about 5 months from my qualifier who is my husband.
I have made it clear that in order to get back together he would have to join AA and get a sponsor and be of service for about a year ooooooo yeah keep the same place of employment for over a year. He is living in another state and well I miss him but I am not budging on what I said. He on the other hand has gotten a job, has not stopped drinking and is always saying he misses me and my son. I am just wondering if I have made the right decision in just minding my own business and he know what needs to be done?
Please I would like some suggestions or encouragement.
No one can tell you if you have done the right thing but you. You said you are not budging on what you have told him, so it seems you have made up your mind.
My own husband and I are separted as well, we have six children, he is living with his parents, continues to drink, and is in danger of once again losing his job.
We where seperated for over six months last year, when he finally went into treatment, I did let him come home as his parents enabled him alot and encouraged his drinking, so remaining sober there was difficult. He stayed sober for about 4 months and worked steadily. Around the holidays he began taking time off from work and drinking again. I put him out again. He insists he will try if I let him come. One minute he says how much he misses us, the next he is blaming me for everything.
I made it very clear the last time, there was no middle ground, that the kids and I could not live with him actively drinking. He bargains, manipulates and tries to compromise, but he continues to drink, so he continues to live with his parents. I hate the situation and yes I too miss him, but I set my boundaries and have to live with them. He has to come to his own decisions and decide his own fate, I can't do it for him.
Alanon teaches us to say what we mean and mean what we say. Only you know what your boundaries are, and what is enough for you and your son.
Minding your own business is the right thing though. It is his disease and he needs to deal with it, you can't do it for him.
Do you think you have made the right decision? Its amazing how we soon forget the bad times with our a, when we miss them. I am very interested in your decision, because I made one like that in 1978, he married exactly a year to the date we had gotten married. I have to say, it was one of the healthier decisions I have made in my life. I know its hard and you miss him, but try and remember the reality of the situation both of you had. I know my dis ease was just as serious as my husbands at that time. My life was not constantly up and down, I had time to think, that was amazing ha. What I did do was 30 al non meetings in 30days and wow, was that an awakening. Hang in and take it one day at a time.
I find if I don't know what to do I put it on paper. You know lists all the good & bad that can come from your decision. Then think about it, come back to it at different times. Listen to yourself.
Sounds to me that you have set some boundaries and that you continue to follow through with them which is very good. I looked up a reminder in the Courage to Change book and I hope that it gives you some encouragement.
"I will remember that my boundries does not mean forcing others to change; it means that I know my own limits and take care of myself by respecting them. The focus, today, is on me."
I don't know if you have ever been to alanon meetings but it has helpped me alot. I read your post and wish that I had the courage to set some boundaries of my own like you have and friends of mine have. I am not ready yet as fear holds me back.
The 3 C's were very important for me to know when I first got here so, I hope they help you.
I did not cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it.
