What and when will he 'get it'.... - Al-Anon Family Group

missing out · Senior Member

What and when will he 'get it'....

Rora · Senior Member

"How can he be so clueless?"

My guess is that he's been really gifted at finding people in his life whom are willing to do it all for him hmm

aka enablers!

He may sincerely not know the things that you know.
I think you did great sharing your wisdom with him in the areas that he needed help with, but still expected HIM to put the information to work. He is responsible for his outcomes, though it sounds like that is all very new to him and causes him great discomfort at this point.

I have made the mistake of harassing and insulting my aH almost constantly about how "clueless" he tends to be about responsibilities that are so simple and easy for me. I'd get very impatient with him because I'd want him to be more responsible, I'd want him to be this, I'd want him to be that, I'd want him to parent in this way, I'd want him to behave that way...
I have done this for the past 9 years of our lives. It has not worked. It has not helped anyone. Not him. Not me.
So, now...my aH is in charge of his own outcomes.
I am in charge of mine.
And in that, I have found peace.

missing out · Senior Member

TLC & Rora (((HUGS)))

Thanks for your thougts, just knowing that someone gets what I am going thru does help, and Yes he has been "Gifted" with MANY enablers in his life, Mainly my mother... Who always felt guilty that she left our father when he was all but (3) yrs old, so she was Guilt riden to the point were she did everything but wipe his butt for him...I have sat down with mother many times "Mostly in anger" and explained to her that she was handcapping him from his own future... She would cry and say she was sorry and go out the next day and hand him $50. for smokes and what ever lie he would tell her...
Finally... I think she gets it... And now that Dad is gone, I think it has been a small wake up call for him too, only because Alcohol is what put may father in his grave.. That and that alone... "Well and the smokes"... but mostly the drinking...
So I have been praying to my HP for the strength to see this thru, without getting me in the middle... I do feel like I am on the right road with him, but you all know, that isn't much comfort when you know you have felt this way before, and he let me down...
I have excepted that this is HIS choices...But he is still my baby brother...
Thanks so much for sharing... I am so grateful to have found this place... and all of you...

Friends in Progress....
Missing out...

Mobirdie · Senior Member

Missing,
When you say "clueless" and you don't understand how he can be that way, remember that when they start indulging in their drug of choice whether it be alcohol or some other drug they stop maturing. He really doesn't know how to do these things you mentioned because he has never had to do them.

When I went through the doors of Al-Anon I realized I was treating my 36yo son as though he was 15. Reason being is that he started into the drugs etc. at 15 and that is when he stopped maturing. We all have to learn to take care of things at some point in our life but you know it's as simple as tying your shoes. If someone else always ties your shoes for you, you never learn how to tie them for yourself. Yet we all need a little bit of direction sometimes.

Not so long ago my son bought his first new car on his own, paid the taxes on his own, qualified for the loan on his own, got it registered and insurance on his own. He was so proud of himself anyone listening to the conversation would have thought I was dealing with a 16yo boy not a 39yo man.

Every time they can accomplish one of these tasks on their own it gives them even more courage to try the next one. So in the meantime I take care of me and let him learn as he needs to.

missing out · Senior Member

Thanks Mob... I never really looked at it like that but You are right, it makes perfect sense... he was 17 when his world started turning upside down and now at 29 he is still stuck in the whurl wind of it all... I am trying to be better with him and not judge however as I am sure you know, it is not an easy task to sign up for...But I am doing good with the letting him tak the riens, so hopfully it will give him a little bit of self esteem too... Thanks so much for your input... I am most grateful...

Love & hugs...

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Well he is still alive so I'd say he is pretty successful at being clueless. Someone in need is pretty much a red flag for me to get out and caretake. I do it still. I do it with an observing ego these days. What if he didn't have electricity, water, trash. Would it kill him. He can read can't he?

There is something in there in his going to you that still works. Being very very very busy is so key for me in stopping being over involved in other people's lives. Since the year started I've been really at it with a vengeance.

Detaching is a real art form. No one said it came easy. Of course it hurts at first not to be over involved because that is what we know how to do.

I'm not sure what is going on in your own life. I hear you feel you are resourceful, independent and more. The issue for me is that I was actually very dependent on people "needing " me. I stopped that and I have to say the loneliness is hard. At the same time I don't have the resentment, obsession or the worry of feeling responsible for everyone esle.

Maresie.

missing out · Senior Member

Maresie...
Yes I have that gene as well, were I felt the need to be needed... I still catch myself sometimes going back but I have been getting alot better, as for what is going on in my life, well my husband and I run a constractioin business, so my days are Very busy, but that doesn't stop them from stopping by the office, or calling me...I have slowed down some of the phone calls "After being Very Insistant", and I hate to turn away the visit for the fact that they are anymore , "Very few and far between"... (Before he wouldn't stop at all) I would love nothing more then to "Detach" from this ordeal at the moment, but when my father past, I was left with picking up all the details of his things he left behind, which includes the trailer I Offered to my brother. (Which again is now my responsibility).. In hopes it will give him the responsibility to feel like he has some worth... Now in giving it too him, it came with ALOT of problems, alot of things "HE" has to fix... But that was the deal... If HE took care of it, and can keep it, paid up and taking care of, then come JUNE when I am DONE being responsible for Dad's belongings... then its his...But he must do what needs to be done..Or I sell it come June...I worry that maybe it was to much all at once, but in the same note, I feel with all the jobs he has had in his past, all the trades he worked, maybe, just maybe...He could put some of those Learned skills to use...
This week my house phone is getting disconnected, No more Calls from Jail...YEAH!! So I am taking some steps to Stop the madness, but on some days, I don't know to hug him or slap him... lol... Some day I Pray that it will be nothing but Hugs...Then reality hits, not long after....Still try'n to keep myself above all, but trying not to kick anyone else as well... Confusing I know!!!

Thanks for your thoughts....
Missing

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Missingout)))))
I think you are doing a GREAT job. You are working your program, using your tools and allowing him to be him. What happens in the end is based on his choices and are his problems to deal with. Just remember it is not your responsibility to change the natuaral outcome/consequences of his actions, he deserves that right as an individual to make his own mistakes and learn from them as must as we do.
You are doing great........keep posting, keep praying and remember this above all else....YOU are an AMAZING PERSON~I know this first hand and focus on you!!
Keep coming back~
Love ya sis
Shelly

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