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I got on here to write about detachment and read Serendipity's post on the topic, so it seems it is my topic of the week. (My HP seems to pick those out for me and arranges all sorts of interesting things to prod me to study something specific!)
Detachment came up at one of my meetings this week too ..naturally.... Always one of my favorite topics, it is one of the cornerstones of the program for me.
It took me a while to experience the "detachment with love" part of the deal in a way that I understood that is what I was doing.
To me, detachment is not about the other person at all. It is all about what goes on in my head.
Sure there is the physical act of removing myself from a situation. That physically detaches me, but most of the time that does little to detach the struggle, anger, resentment, fear, etc. that is going on inside my own head.
Before Al-anon I had a different definition of detachment. I was good at that definition, and it just came natural to me, I seemed to have been born with it! That detachment included things like:
Living in Denial - If I pretend what is going on around me isn't I can detach from the painful reality. I can put up a protective wall around me that doesn't let reality in. Not even the Scarlet O'Hara "I'll think about that another day" approach, but a "Nope, what I just saw with my own two eyes or heard with my own two ears did not happen" approach.
Silence - Not an appropriate silence of keeping my self out of another's business, but silence used once again to avoid an issue that was uncomfortable. Silence to hide. Silence to punish.
And there were other forms of detachment I used too, but none of them gave me much long term relief. And at the end of the day, like I said before, the issues were still right there in my head causing me distraction. Causing me pain.
The classic example of detaching with love I learned when I first came to al-anon was letting the alcoholic suffer the consequences of their own actions. (If the A passes out on the front lawn on a cold night....to leave them laying there is detachment. To go out and cover them with a blanket so they dont freeze is detachment with love )
And at first I thought that just meant that by covering them I am showing that I love them, but that I am not going to dig them out of the messes they create any more. And that is true!
But on another level that I think is even more important now...going out there and covering them with that blanket is also to detach with love from myself. Because I know me. If I just left them out there in the cold without the blankie, I wouldn't sleep a wink. I would be feeling guilty for not rescuing them...again. By taking the blanket out there I show love for me. I do it so I can have some peace and go back in and sleep.
They may not even notice the blanket tomorrow when they come too. Or not care or acknowledge that I put it on them. And that doesn't matter.
I did it out of compassion for another human being, a sick loved one.
Me.
It states in our suggested welcome..."The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the al-anon ideas". That blanket is a perfect metaphor for that too.
As I begin to apply the principals of the program, everyone around me benefits. By detaching from my hypothetical passed-out alcoholic in the front yard and leaving them there. They suffer the consequences of their own actions. After enought of that, maybe, just maybe, they will want to change themselves. But just as important, and maybe even more so, by giving them the blanket, I show them I have compassion for them as a fellow child of God. I also can offer up the act to my own guilt demons so that I can detach from the voices in my own head.
So ultimately detachment with love means detaching with love for myself. When I don't pick up another's problems they don't become mine to worry over. I can listen. I can offer compassion and support. I can love them. But I don't have to internalize their stuff! And I love me for that when I can do it!!!
Sounds selfish, cuz it is. But everyone can benefit from it...whether they see it at the time or not!
Whatever that blanket looks like folks, it is compassion. That blanket is love.
That is a beautiful explaination!! Makes alot of sense.
I guess what I have been concerned about is the idea that I will never really love again because I will never "take care of" someone like I did the first A. I will never give of myself the way I did before.
What you have described here, with the blanket being for me, gives me hope that when I do decide to have a new relationship, that I can do it in a healthier way. To love another but to continue to love myself.
I know I am not "there" yet. My defense at the moment is to really limit interacting with A's at all. I do know one alcoholic who a few weeks ago had the inevitable health crisis. I was solicitous to him at the time, bought him jello and more. I'm not sure I would be solicitous anymore. I get too burned out from being solicitous all the time.
I can be kind, warm and cognizant of my limits. That's about it at the moment. I really do try to avoid any concerted contact with an active alcoholic on any level. If I find out they are an alcoholic I set more limits, not the judgment limits just the limits of I know my limits these days. I can certainly feel love towards alcoholics I just try not to have them actively in my life much anymore.
Great post and subject. Only one of the things I have learned about "love" is that unconditional also includes "mutual". For me that means loving in the way I also want to be loved. I ask myself the question how would I like to be loved in the same situation and then follow thru on it. I also ask my HP "Do you have anything that you would want me to do here and will you direct me to it." Sometimes, left only up to my own desires and imagination, I will leave the walk too soon. Just for me.
Detaching and then Detaching with love is about progress.
really great post- really needed to hear this, this AM!
Thanks for demonstrating the differences. I love what you wrote about denial, too- how these things are not detaching with love but just plain old techniques to detach or cut off. Really good that you included this. Hugs, J.
My literal blanket is wonderful too. As you know, I am always cold so each night when I climb into bed and cover myself with a very heavy, hand knitted blanket that covers me with weight and have my little nightly conversation with God, I feel his love, I feel his comfort, and most times I don't feel alone.
Thanks for sharing with us, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
(My HP seems to pick those out for me and arranges all sorts of interesting things to prod me to study something specific!)
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