The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would suggest that you listen at a meeting or two and see if there is someone in the group that seems to have a good program going, or that you can identify with in some way. Then approach them after the meeting and ask them one on one.
If they say no, don't take it personal. Sometimes folks don't think they are ready to be a sponsor...other times they may be sponsoring several people already and not have time to devote to another.
Having a sponsor is great! And a really big part of working the steps and furthering recovery!
Good luck!
Yours in Recovery, David
p.s. Don't know if you have read through the FAQ's up at the top of the board, but there is a lot of good information for newcomers in there.
I waited until I found someone who seemed to have good program and who didn't remind me of my mother.
And then, because I'm chicken, I called up just as I was walking out of a meeting because I knew she wouldn't have her phone on and I could leave her a message. Also, I have this fear of putting people on the spot, so that they feel obliged to say "yes" in order not to hurt my feelings. (I know- project much? I have since discovered that people who have been in Al-anon awhile don't have any problem saying "I'll get back to you on that.")
She called me up and was really nice and matter-of-fact about the whole thing and said she was booked up but could take me on in a couple months when she expected her schedule to clear some. Or if I wanted to ask someone else, to get started quicker, that was fine with her, too.
I was okay with the wait, and she turned out to be a pretty good choice, I think.
Someone asked me to sponsor them once but I was too new in the program and told them so. I am hoping they didn't take it personally.
For myself, by the time I came into the program I was so desparate and miserable that I didn't take anything personally. What I DID (and still) have a problem with is feeling like a burden. I felt like I was asking someone who didn't owe me anything for an enormous favor of time and energy.
This week is my one year anniversary of going to Al-anon and I go to a LOT of meetings, especially since the separation situation I posted about last night that you responded to (thank you!). Over and over I hear in the meetings about how people feel that sponsoring is the best thing that's happened to them, and how much they get out of it, and how deeply it helps their program.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that after hearing this probably 30+ times, I'm beginning to believe that my sponsor isn't doing it only out of obligation and that I don't need to feel so bad about taking up her time and energy- that it's part and parcel of her working her own program. (Which isn't to say I don't feel indebted and grateful to her.)
One classic piece of advice I heard about choosing someone to ask to be your sponsor is to look for someone who has what you want, what you are seeking.... In my case that was someone who had been in the program awhile, had lived through the same situation as I am (his wife is his qualifier), and most importantly, possessed a peace and serenity about him that is what I hope to find.
Oddly enough I never found such a person in my home group even after many months (the usual meeting I attend)... I happened to attend another night's meeting on a whim one week and within 10 minutes of talking to a gentleman after the meeting was over, I had found that person.... clearly HP was looking out for me!
I didn't ask him that night but got his phone number and called him, and asked him... and he agreed. It's been great so far, and of enormous help in working the program and steps.
Finally, some groups have a list of members who have agreed to be sponsors, or are willing to be sponsors. You might ask if your group has such a list.
It was very hard for me to "pop the question" and ask someone to sponsor me. After every meeting I was the first one to run for the door and leave. I had someone in mind to sponsor me but I was too shy to ask. Once I felt I was ready to get started, I could not find the woman I wanted to ask to sponsor me.
So began my journey of asking anyone and everyone to sponsor me. I had six rejections which really hurt. I thought that Al-Anon could not handle me and that I was too crazy to be sponsored. I did not know at the time that a member of Alanon could say no. After all, we were in it together right? Looking back, I am really proud that these people were honest with me. What they were practicing was self care as I know it now. Trust me on this one. You do not want a sponsor that does not have the time to devote to you. You need someone to return your phone calls within 24 hours if you are in a crisis.
Part of what earned me a seat in the room was that I was willing to put my life on hold for the benefit of others which is a character defect of mine. Finally I ran into the woman I wanted to ask in the first place. I was in enough pain to be willing to pop the question again. This time, I asked her to temporarily sponsor me. She agreed and we have worked with each other for four years.
One thing I would like to say from my experience is that you are not tied to a sponsor forever. Sometimes sponsors fall out of the program and some work a great program. Always remember that your recovery is all about you and if you are not getting what you need from your sponsor, don't be afraid to say that you need to work with someone else.
Being sponsored and sponsoring people is a wonderful experience. I hope you have the courage to pop the question as it will be the beginning of a wonderful journey.
