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My husband of 5 years, (been together for 13), has been out of the house for 27 days. He was sober for 8 years but started drinking December '07. Monthly....drink for days, out of the house. Would leave work, call me to tell me he was leaving to come home and would never show. Only to get a phone call hours later, totally drunk. He would eventually, hours later, drive home drunk. I would have to call out of work because he stays home with our 2 babies when I go to work. He would sober up.....only for it to happen a month later. Every month we went through this, every month it getting worse. He would lie to me....never come home....drink for a day and then make it home. All this time while I am missing work, taking care of a 4 and a 2 year old and being terrorized in my own house as he is drinking away and then driving home drunk. (He works an hour away). I was living with anxiety, panic and chaos. Each time being told he would not do it. Attending AA meetings and then stopping. Fighting in between, the whole dry drunk thing. Then one day.....he went drinking during work, and he got caught. He went into rehab for 3 weeks. I told him flat out that I was done. But that I would hold on with him in rehab and would be willing to try to work things out. I went to meetings, he went to meetings. He went to an AA retreat over a weekend. I still lived with fear and anxiety and panic every day. Almost unbearable at times. So, after 5 months of sobriety, he went out to get an oil change and to get dinner to bring home and he came home drunk. He has been out of the house ever since. OF course, he is begging and pleading to come home. And when we discuss how I am not sure if I want him to come home...ever. I turns into an arguement. He then tells me all the things that I have done wrong and "why he drank." Amazing!!!!!
I miss the husband that I married. I miss the sober man he was for 8 years. I want to divorce this drinking husband but stay married to my sober husband of 8 years ago. We have 2 children. I refuse to have the live in a house like it has been for the past year.....yet the years before that were great. Can I have both??? I don't ever want to live through that time again yet....I know there is no guarantee it will never happen again. Man....my mind is tortured. And it doesn't help that I have to talk to him and see him because of the children. I could go on and on about this. There is so much to tell you.
Thanks for reading this very long post. I am lost and need some help.
You have come to the right place for support and understanding. The members here have a wealth of experience, strength and hope to share with you.
I have been very on again, off again with my aH of nearly 7 years. We have a 4 yr old. aH and I are currently OFF and see it as staying that way.
I too miss the good times I've shared with my aH. I miss what I thought was our family. I miss what I thought was our marriage. But, at this point, there is a lot that I don't miss. And there is a lot that I've incorporated into my new life, that never existed before with my aH, and I've come to appreciate that.
Someone wise told me to take a look at my life as though I was someone else, a third party, looking into it. And find me in that picture. And from there, be honest with myself as to how I got there, and how I created my life. How did my choices lead me there?
When I did that, it was a pivotal point in moving forward. I was able to take myself out of the role of a victim and really take a look at how I ended up where I was. I was able to see how my choices landed me where I was, both good and bad.
It was recommended to me to ask myself what I want my life to be like and to begin to make choices that represent those positive consequences. I've been enjoying life much more since then and I've been much more proud of the way I am conducting myself and interacting with others - including my aH.
I don't rely on my aH anymore for my emotional care. I know that to make that choice would lead me to disappointment and resentment. So I choose to not rely on him, which is more consistent with my desired positive consequence to not be let down by aH and not be left feeling frustrated and alone. I choose to not argue with my aH anymore, or have those long drawn out "talks" about making things work out - leading to feeling inadequate and unfullfilled. Again, to do so would not be consistent with the positive consequences I want for my life.
I am beginning to accept things much more than I was able to before. I accept that I am powerless over many things and I'm learning to rely on a HP to take care of the things that I am powerless over. I think I've grown a couple inches since then, now that the weight of carrying the whole world on my shoulders is gone!! That panic and torture you feel? I know it. WE all know it. I called it insanity. It is unpleasant and it takes it's toll on us. I thought and felt like it was just always going to be that way. That, that is what I had become. I was wrong. Involving myself on this board and going to face to face meetings, is helping me to create a better life for myself and my heart and my little guy. I don't feel tortured and panicked anymore. I feel hopeful and excited.
Thanks Rora. My question to you is....does your aH continue to drink now that you are apart and does he plead and beg with you to get back together? My aH is living in a "weekly" apartment type of thing and anticipates coming back. I tell him that I am not ready nor I might never be ready. I am going to see a therapist on Wednesday for the first time to help me sort out my thoughts and feelings. It is hard because...he is sober now. Going to AA etc. But I know darn well....that the sleeping tiger exists. I wish that I didn't have to talk to him but he calls to talk to my kids every day and he watches the kids for me when I work 2 days during the week. I have nobody else to watch them.
Gheesh....I have so many dilemma's, its not funny.
It always amazes me that in our pain it gives us such a perspective on the disease. You do seem to have a good perspective on the problem. It is some ride that we go on with them. I didn't leave my AHsober-he left. He had been in AA and then quit going. Or really the disease took him. I hope that you do everything you can to take care of your kids. I like what you said about divorcing the drinking husband and keep the sober man. Wish it could happen for all of us. I go to face to face meetings, read everything I can for knowledge and solace, call my sponsor, meditate, and come here alot.
Canary, actually, I don't really know, if my aH is drinking these days. I gave up wanting to keep track of what he's doing or not doing.
What I do care about is if he shows up under the influence when he comes to watch our child, like yours, 2 full days a week. I see him in the mornings, I do the behavioural survey and if all checks out and balances, then I leave for my workday. I have engaged in early morning "conversation" that has led to arguments, so I don't converse on any level anymore. He calls our son every night at the same time. I know to let my son answer the phone at that time.
I make choices that are consistent with the positive outcomes I want in my life. When living with my aH I wasn't doing that. I'd say things like, "all I want to do is be happy" and then I'd fly off the handle and act like a total lunatic most of the time. Is that consistent with wanting to be happy? umm NO!
I pay more attention to myself now. I try to keep my behaviour in line with my desired outcomes. I am far from perfect, but I am making progress.
My aH lives in a temporary environment and he's been agreeable to not ask for visits with our son away from my house. I am very thankful for that. He occasionally approaches me with his feelings...but when I don't engage in the fiascos I would normally, he gets upset and goes on his tangents of solitude. I've managed to detach from the situation enough that it doesn't really bother me anymore ( I can't believe I just typed that, but it's true! sometimes my own progress surprises me).
I would strongly recommend going to f2f meetings. I've been down the counselling and therapy road and have invested a lot of money into that. Traditional therapy definately has it's place and value. But for me, nothing compares to Alanon for insight, support and hope for those affected by alcoholism. In that forum, before you even say a word, people know you, know your story, understand it, have felt it. Getting to your first few meetings might be hard and you might easily talk yourself out of going, like I did. I stalled for months. My progress was stalled too. I am glad that I took that first step and forced myself to go. It has helped me to create a more emotionally stable life for myself - and that helps everybody, including my son. I think I am being a better Mom these days as well.
Our stories continue to be very similiar. My aH watches my kids for 2 days a week and I, too, check him out before I leave the house. He usually attempts to make conversation about "us", always about him coming home to live with us. I then just go about my morning, getting my coat and stuff, asking him not to talk about this and to keep it about the kids. He leaves at night sulking. I would be so content to not to see or talk to him right now but I have to because of the kids. People tell me that I should not rely on him to watch the kids but I have to. I have nobody else. Finding someone to watch your kids for a 12 hour shifts is hard. Plus the kids are coping better with him here those 2 days. I have been to many f2f meetings. I love them and they have been a great source of help. Of course getting a sitter is hard, once again. Thanks for your time and attention.
Grief and in that rage is inevitable. There are many of us who have left and those of us who havent. As someone who left I can certanly empathise it isn't easy. I saw the A for a full year after separation (we had no children). You are in the right place coming here. Feel free to keep posting.
I was looking through my journal from over a year ago. I read and re-read the passages that had to do with my ex- AH and his behavior. There are many behavioral similarities. He was inconsistent when coming home. He would stay out till the wee hours and come home drunk, high, and whatever else he would be guilty of. Reading my entries, I saw that he behaved this way since the first day of our meeting.
He is an addict. I just chose not to see that aspect of him, I chose to ignore the "disease". When he finally got arrested (in summer of '07), I went through similar feelings. What had happened? Where did my husband go? I wanted my H back! I wanted what I "thought" I had. I wanted what I only allowed myself to see and the addiction was always there. When I went to go visit him in jail after his arrest, he was beat up- bruised, cut, and a broken shell of a man. The addict was showing on the outside. The vision of him impacted me so greatly, I knew that our lives had hit rock bottom. My life as I had invisioned it, was over. I was willing to stay "friends" with him and willing to stick by him through those trying times and I did. I did until he decided to go back to his "drug buddies". I confronted him about this (during our couples couseling). Needless to say, I was there for 20 minutes and asked to leave by the counselor. My ex-AH became enraged due to the fact that I actually read the cell phone bill and recognized the druggie phone numbers. Those were his "friends" and to this moment, he still refers to them as such. I was filled with so much anxiety, pain, heart break, and anger. I filed for divorce soon there-after.
What is funny? I have been very blessed in that my life hasn't changed that much- just minus the AH. My heart has been broken. My daughter continues to struggle with this (she is 4). I dread his calls and texts, but our lives have remained consistent. I didn't realize how much I was doing to hold the household together. How strong and determined I had been. I guess I was living the life I wanted, regardless of him.
I really like what Rora said about making choices to create the positive outcomes she wanted to see in her life. Great postings!!! Really connects OUR behaviors, actions, thoughts, etc. with OUR REALITY- using US to get what we want (and our connection to HP), keeping the focus on US (via HP) and not others. Great string of posts here!! hugs, J.
Here's my experience. I moved out and left my A and was very ambivilent for a very long time believing that he would get better and we could go on with our lives. Then something happened. He changed or I changed but I gave up the idea that there would be a happily ever after. I realized that I could never rely on the fact that he would not use again. It would always be right there under the skin. The most important thing I realized is that you can't go back in time, people change and become different people and you can't expect to step back into an earlier time and have things be the way they were.
Always remember you are not alone. I was with my A for 6 years, 3 of them married. I did the anxiety, fear, mood swings, and worry. The last two years were hell. Our divorce was final in December, he still has moments when he talks of us getting back together. He was sober for 7 years, recovery for 4 of those years. Then 3 or so years ago he stopped the program, stopped the meetings, started the dry drunk. I moved out last January. In March he convinced me to come back, gave all the promises they ALL give. In July when my vacation came, I took my kids and the motorhome to my partents home for a week and a half. We had to cut our visit short because of a hurricaine, Gustav? maybe. I called him that morning to say we were on our way and the nasty behavior actually had me considering turning back into that weather, cuz it was calmer than the one at home. That was when I realized it had to stop. A week later he moved out because I hadn't made his bed, God told him to leave me. I got down and thanked God for that. (Although I don't really think the A was hearing God any more than he ever heard me!) Several God things happened that month that could be said to mean wise up and keep that woman and your sanity and your sobriety. Needless to say it didn't happen. I detached, we filed for divorce, I pushed it through, or he would have just let it dangle. I have a home all my own, with no anxiety but lots of serenity. The kids are happier (they are from my first disaster). I continue at meetings and online to avoid falling for the drama. Well this is longer than I wanted, just remember we are all with you. Keep coming back. Julie
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Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.
I really can relate to this thread. My alcoholic husband left me and my 2 girls 4 months ago. I am having a hard time today b/c his lawyer sent a letter that he now wants the girls every other weekend over night. He is apparently now living with his mother and I am sure that he is still drinking. I can't imagine why he would have stopped suddenly. I am going to have to really fight them on this b/c every weekend he was with us he drank heavily, he was emotionally abusive etc, I know you all know the behaviors. I am beside myself. His mother is enabling him now. I know the girls need their dad, but I don't want them in that situation and to top it off this has me feeling sorry for myself again. Like why couldn't he just stop for us. My family is gone and his life is fine. He is happier with his newfound freedom etc.
OMG finally someone that may understand my life... My family and friends dont get it.. they say kick him out.. but we are happy for 2-4 weeks. and then I notice behaviour changes and him avoiding me and sure enough find an empty bottle! He always has an excuse... We are engaged not married.. I wont make the commitment until he gets "fixed" Ive raised his little boy.. which he's really mine in my heart and Gods eyes// hes 3 and only knows me as mom. To top it off.. my ABF/H found his ex dead of drug overdose suicide before he met me.. like 3 weeks before.. they had been seperated for 6-8 months.. this last time ..a few days ago.. I found an empty bottle I packed his stuff. put it in his truck and woke him from his passed out with our son and made him leave.. He has an appointment with a counselor in a couple days.. This is it for me.. I dont think I can take this rollercoaster.. but remember.. I stand to loose a child that needs me too. I know his family says I can always see him but you never can count on that.. I dont know what to do anymore...how many tears and chances do I give ?????? HELP ME PLEASE !!!!!!!!!!! I miss the great sober giuy I sometimes have.. He refuses to go to AA tho...
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
