The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got to thinking today and thought maybe it was just easier for me to think that he was a manipulative, game playing lier than an alcoholic. I never knew him when he was drinking so have little to go on there, but it just seems to me that so much of his behavior and thought processes were all over and irratic. In the past 6yrs, he was engaged for 3 yrs which ended in a split 6 mths after engagement, spent another year with a live in gf, and then a year with me. Anytime his relationships got serious or commitment oriented HE ended them, all 3 relationships. Prior to those 6 yrs he was a self admited man slut during his first 4 yrs of sobriety in program and advised me that that behavior is NOT against the program as long as he was honest about it with the women he was with and did not mislead them in to thinking it was more than it actually was-two consenting adults. On Jan 1st he was telling me how we could have our happily ever after and would one day. On Jan 20th he was telling me he still wanted happily ever after and wanted it with me, but couldn't take that chance and wanted to see other people. Said that I was counting on us being together and that he didn't know about. Now counting on us being together is pretty much the same thing i would think as having our happily ever after ya think?? When I allow myself to think about it, I guess there is alot of his behaviors or words that are all over the place with little consistancy from day to day and I am betting this is alcoholic behavior at its finest even though he has been sober 10yrs. When I was constantly running away from him he was in hot pursuit, when I decided he was it for me then started running the other way. I am betting he struggles with commitment issues also. He is all over the place right now with what he wants in his life or not. And since I have never known him to drink I don't know what part is the alcoholism and what part is him. Bottom line is walking away was the best thing I did for both of us, as hard as it was, I really believe that. I don't want him in my life and my son's unless he knows he wants to be there 100%, and with that he is correct it is all or nothing. I just miss him sooooo much, and really don't know why.........I guess I am missing the man I thought he was..........not the man he turned out to be Thanks for listening to my ramble Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I think what I have learned with an alcoholic is that the behavior is confusing. What the bottom line for me is when an active alcoholic is out there what they choose is to keep using. Some of the behavior goes along with that. When they start on recovery and are committed to it they stop the behaviors if they choose too. When they are in the disease their choice is always the disease.
wow shelly- i came here because i've been really down about my A ex as well. like you i only knew him clean/sober- he was at about 5 months when we first met, 7 when we started seeing each other. he's now coming up on 2 years. i haven't been to meetings in months but i'm out of ideas of how to help myself. he had a profound, lasting effect on me... obviously. we haven't been together in 6-7mos, and he's hurt me a LOT in a variety of ways; but for some reason, there's still 'something' about him that made me fall unconditionally in love. he displayed the EXACT same behaviour you described- whenever a relationship gets serious, he freaks out and runs. then comes back. then runs again. then calls one of my best friends and tells her he really cares about me, but is basically convinced that i'm 'too good' for him. so now he's messing around with a girl 12 years younger than him. *sigh* in addition to many other stressors in my life, i'm completely losing my mind. i've wondered so many times- is it the 'disease' or is he just a huge jerkface? (well i use other terms...) but hearing other stories, like yours, that are so similar, reinforce the idea that it is the disease. i know it won't last with his toy du jour. before she came along he and i were speaking a little, and i know he wanted to see me.
i don't know what to do with myself... i sometimes feel that i don't belong at al-anon meetings. but it feels like the only thing that can help...
