The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today, I need a prayer, encouragement and your experience, strength and hope.
My son is being a jerk, he is 13. He is not keeping up with his school work. He is very smart and always has been on the honor roll, not this year. He has made two c's on report card, this last report card one C in science. He does not turn in homework on time and does not care. yesterday, he says a friend dropped his cell phone. Then he took it and threw it against the dumpster, lost the battery (which we later went back and found, we can sell that on ebay). I gave him my mother's old phone, nothing special. This morning we are going to meet with his science teacher, I know he is not happy about that and was really rude to me last night. He hit a kid at school and has been having to go work community service hours at the library, he needs to do so many hours this weekend and that is a struggle too.
Does your son need a cell phone. Sounds like an appropriate thing was for him to not get one. For years I coddled the A. When he trashed the car over and over I stepped in. Now I realise I needed to have him feel the consequences of his actions. The trouble was I was so enmeshed I couldn't separate him from me.
Detaching is a real art form. Creating my own life is an art form. I can no longer "live" for others.Obviously you are responsible for your son but you don't have to make it all a soft landing. If he breaks something why replace it immediately shouldn't there be a consequence? How about making the consquences a bit harder rather than stepping in. I remonstrated and remonstrated with the exA got me nowhere. When I stopped stepping in I'm sure he was aware I was in recovery.
he had to buy a battery for a replacement, my mom's old cell that the dog chewed on. We turned off our house phone so I would like him to have some way of communicating with me. He did not get a new blackberry, which is what he thought he would get LOL. thanks for your share.
It is such a help to have teens with a cell phone so I understand that a lot!! Things were so different without cell phones if there was car trouble, plans changed, friend disagreements so can come home,strangers, party out of control etc etc.
My smart 16 yr old started going down hill with grades about 7th grade. Some of it was his lack of organization to get things turned in, not lose them and remember to care about it all. He had great difficulty learning to read and was tested to be borderline dyslexic so he had a tutor for 1st & 2nd grade. They told us he would catch on slower to new info but then be able to master it - but they cautioned that as a pre teen & teen, organization skills would be the next time he would have trouble.
It was hard to believe but in his mind, he had turned things in, - it drove me crazy through Jr high but the teachers gave him some concessions and he made it with lower grades. I really helped him through 9th grade in high school talking to his teachers, reminding/nagging him but he doesn't accept that he is borderline dyslexic - again lower grades C's & D's compared to the all A's of elementary school.
He is very smart and very successful in many school activities. Kids have different learning abilities and I have 2 of my 4 kids that are not able to show their strengths & talents in school grades as we teach kids today. As I learned (from al aonon tools) to let go of my teens responsibilities about getting things done, his self confidence has grown and his actions of responsibilities have improved. He believes in himself and realizes he will reep what he sows. I do believe his grades will still be lower this term and he even may need to repeat one class. He is looking into what he has to do to change it to a passing grade to avoid summer school or to avoid having two English classes next year during the same term. He's learning and I just tell him I know he is smart and will figgure this out. I believe in him even when the grades don't support him.
The relief that he can become responsible for himself is immense. Before this year I was tearing my hair out trying to come up with some organization system that he could make work. Embarassed to keep talking to his teachers with him. I learned to get out of his way, accept him for what it was he did and still let him know I believed in him when he had difficulties with grades & teachers. I let him do the detention for tardiness and I may have to let him repeat a class - hopefully now at age 16 rather than older. It has also stopped us from argueing and his yelling at me to let him handle things or his yelling at me when he was mad at himself, the teachers etc. Now I am on his team more instead of an another opponent. He still drives me crazy so I'll let him move out eventually and I still drive him crazy so he will want to but that is normal and not so full of anger and negativity anymore.
I am so grateful to al anon for the tools that have helped me with the A and my kids like don't react, listen, think, no advice just esh and many more. Teens are tough!!
This is just been my experience so take what works for you and leave the rest.
hugs, ddub
ps-he gets A's & mostly B's for effort but if handed in late they are worth 50% credit so he ends up with low grades. It's effort & organization that mess him up, not dylexia for this 16 yr old other than dyslexic approach to being organized. Typically I thought he wasn't applying himself so I got on his case and when I backed off, he found ways to compensate for his difficulties though there is lots of room for growth yet. In the mean time I try to not nag and accept that this is who he is.
-- Edited by ddub at 19:13, 2009-01-23
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Yikes, time to tighten up big time huh? Wish someone had told me that.
I found out my son needed me to be strong and set boundaries. Of course they push and gripe etc. But it is a matter of life and death.
Call where he is going to meet the parents.Make sure they are home. This my experience btw.
Do homework. Kids get a oh uno planner and are suppose to right down their work everyday from every class.
Look at it every day when they get home. They can do whatever after it is finished.Ddub is so right they need to be taught how to organize their notebook,tabs folders to hold the work, etc.
Part of my career was working with kids to thrive. We had gun/knife toting kids reading quiet. was amazing. They were great kids too,just needed to be taught how they learn.
Your son may be bored too. Has he been tested for Iq etc.
This is when we have to stop being friends and be strict parents. I did not start until mine was sixteen. He was already into white dope.
He went to survivor school.When he got out we got into a family drug program.Was great.
Support his passion or help him find out what it is,snow boarding,motorcycle, fishing.I sent my son on a fishing boat. He now scuba dives!
He struggled hon, but now is thirty something and wow he has so many interests, bought my first house from me.
Again catching it early is the best.
My friends kids started to go wrong too, she also got them into their interests, of course they had the usual normal teen stuff, but they are doing great as adults.
My 14 year old came home with a "lousy" report card. I asked him "are you happy with that" to which he replied "not really", and all I said is "what are you going to do about it then?". He is now handing assignments in, and doing a little better, but I have completely made it his responsibility. Hard to walk away??? yes... but worth it if it gives him the tools to be responsible for his own actions. Good luck.
