The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been housebound for a few weeks due to temporary medical issures and inside my head at times too much. It's an art when you are isolated to set things aside and rest from it all with a movie or fiction book. Phone visits sure help to remind me to take a break but yet I am grateful for the intense rush of light bulbs that have flashed on for me, so wanted to share some musings.
*having looked at the most recent anger & resentment, I find small, insignificant anger from my long ago past with prior relationships or in childhood float to the surface now. Many of these are easy, a few harder but nothing compared to the A related anger so I can let them go and I feel so much lighter.
*Somewhere along the line, I learned not only to stuff anger but to hide my fears too. Again, the most difficult fears were hard to see, embrace and acknowledge to myself that it was very very scarey but it is past & over plus I can let it go. And again there are little silly fears that I couldn't believe I had stuffed inside and can easily disgard with an adult mind. It's like cleaning house, clean and light but definately not empty. It's easier to see me, the real me with the baggage swept out. You'd never know I was afraid before or now - it never shows, I minimize these things.
* I visualize myself as a large pipe inside with all this anger & fear stuffed in tight until it was bursting & overflowing as when I finally dragged myself to al anon. I was so gunked up!! This pipe is almost empty and who I want to be or trying to get to know me is so much easier now.
*Like plumbing can be (what a weird anology) there is still this major clog I have to drag things around to get them out. I do not want to deal with one relative - one my sponsor has said might be toxic for me and I may need to address some time. I understand that now because I am tired of it being in the way so I plan to do a 4th step on this relative and I doubt I will ever even put her on a list for my amends because of my anger but I still need to go through it, to let it go so I can move on.
*and finally, as these past fears surfaced for me I was tense and afraid all over again until I dealt with them. I've learned to think and act rather than just react to the A or react to my fears too. Talking, writing, meetings etc can help but when I am overwhelmed with great fear (or whatever) I first seem to run away by sleeping. It stops me from my automatic unhealthy reaction though I can sleep for a couple hours with my fists clenched so that my arms & legs are sore with tension held when I wake up. As I continue to evolve, now I dream with exhaustion. I hope that I will get past this too.
*Here's one dream I can remember: I could not find an item in the grocery store I needed though I searched every aisle more than once, I left and then I could not find my A's car in the parking lot though I searched & searched again. I gave up and went to the basketball game that was next door in my dream. The teams were playing with 30 or more basket balls - intense game. My job was to run up and down the side lines to roll any basket balls back into the game that were in the out of bounds lane.
Interesting, huh and exhausting, poor quality sleep!! I was told that in dreams we can be the balls, the players, ourself - all at the same time.
Lots of ways to lighten up, clean out all the old resentments, anger, fears and whatever I find next. I am lighter but I am not empty and I can't wait to meet me unbound by all these things I've dragged along for sooo long.
Is this a common path on our journey of recovery for anyone else?
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I can relate a great deal to your post. For some of us it takes many fourth steps to work through many many issues. I recycle issues a great deal. That's one of the reasons I have to constantly look at my expectations. In fact I'd say one of the reasons I don't initiate friendships is because I'm so loathe to keep doing this work of revising my expectations all the time!
I know for me one of the ways of "letting go" is to constantly be on the work of making msyelf better. What can I do each day to make my life better and move on. I find that relentless and a constant challenge.
I think I am also always on a boundary alert. The ex A's mother was a real issue for me. She was rude, an active alcoholic, completely narcisistic and abusive to him. I put in a lot of boundaries but still found myself very angry at her. When I started to implement the program around her things changed. I didn't get to like her but I did get to learn to tolerate her. The irony is that working the program and being polite was actually a whole less work than over reacting. I still have my issues around how she treated me I have to work through them. I'm relieved I no longer have to deal with her. At the same time I know that over reacting didn't get me very far.
Hope you get to feeling better. From my experience the basket ball game with all those basket balls is about being overwhelmed as I think you have already got that. The not finding what you needed in the store and then being stranded not finding what you needed is about being stuck where your at and then of course going back to being overwhelmed. Learning that my dreams and what or whose in them and what happens is a metaphor of how I am feeling about my life is a major tool in my recovery toll box. Your metaphor is basketballs and basketball players and running all over the place. Mine is having a landslide fall and cover up all of the nice things in my world no matter what that is.
Check out the issue of fear when your dealing with that relative. The question, "What am I so afraid about?" was a best one and I allowed and still do allow my self all the time in the world to work that one out. I learned to work on issues with my family like I did the alcoholic exactly. "My only problem is me. I have only one thing to change...me."
Writing out a journal inventory of your dreams might help in altering what you dream. The basketballs and players may get less and less and you might find yourself leaving the store and taking another mode of transportation home or any other positive thing.
Remember plumbing also is just a metaphor or as you said analogy.
Yup, Maresie, I've learned that my over reactions didn't help me too so I know that won't help anymore than stuffing my emotions so I will find my balance at times I hope.
Jerry, your questions & observations have my mind going in a new directions so I'm glad I shared so through someone elses eyes their esh could help me. Even the metaphor of the pipe, how about that!! The dream journal sounds like a relief too.
I have great difficulty quieting my mind to sleep and when I sleep it is so much processing or feels like activity rather than rest. This too shall pass.
thanks & hugs from sleepy ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
