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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Need advice
Post Info TOPIC: Need advice
Priscilla83


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Need advice
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On my post on tuesday I told how i went to buy shoes for my daughter with my AH, and how he told me that we copuld work things through but that I had to change some attitudes and that he was still going to drink and maybe do coke once in a while and I shouldn't say anything cause, he was going to do it only once in a while an he was never ever going to party for more than one day (even as I write it it sounds so ridiculuos)
He then told me that he could help me out with the rent of a furnished apartment, cause if we could work things out, it would be easier for me to move back. On tuesday, I just said YEs to everything he said and Whatever or simply stayed quiet, cause I didn't want to get in the same old argument again.
But today he called and asked me to go out with our daughter for a bite to eat. I need advice on what to do. He probably thinks I accept all his ridiculous conditions and I don't know if I should talk to him about it and tell him I'm never moving back until he stops drinking, or if I should let time go by and adrress the issue when it comes up again.
I don't know if I should tell him to stay away from us ultil he stops drinking cause I still don't feel strong enough to do, and also still have that fear I'll loose him.
Advice?



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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.

maresie


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We don't actually give advice here on point to point what to do.  Many of your questions are addressed really well in the first issue of Getting them Sober.  If you look at the top of the screen, Canadian Guy has kindly offered to give copies to anyone who needs them.

I have certainly been in the position of being separated from an A and desperately wanting him to stop using, drinking whatever.  Many of us have. There is no point by point guide to make them stop.  There are suggestions that really help on helping you however. All of them are in program literature you can get hold of easily.  One is to de-tach which is a pretty hard thing to do. There are examples of ways to do this at www.coping.org.  There is also a suggestion to make a plan be, what do you need to do if you re going to be separated from the A.  Put together that plan, then your feelings and anxieities about what if, what might happen will dispell. You don't even need to necessarily act on the plan immediately, merely putting it together right away will help.

There is lots of literature on feelings of abandonment, loss and a sense of dependency on the A.  Claudia Black has written some great material on abandonment.

Maresie.

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maresie
Tiger2006


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You can set boundries and still go. For example, drive your own car; pay for your own dinner. The idea here of boundries is to detach for yourself from him. It will also keep you emotionally safe.

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Jerry F


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Aloha Pricilla!!

One of the things I learned was to "mean what I say and say what I mean".

When I said "yes" when I mean't no or I didn't know what I wanted
was giving the alcoholic/addict the wrong message. 
Another thing I learned was that if I didn't act on my own reality/truth
I would continue to live in an unmanagable way.  Doing what I didn't
want to do.   Isn't that basic?  I never intentionally wanted to live with
and be married to an alcoholic/addict.  I acted against my better judgement.
Today is a new day.  With what I have learned what do I do now?

Trust your gut and do the next right thing.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F at 14:38, 2009-01-22

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