The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes it is so hard not to make a comment when I see him downing another beer. Or when I think he's been out to score some drugs. I've stopped myself, gotten out of the situation. And let things cool down a bit. I know he wants to quite, but I was probably just like everyone else in his life when I would get angry and tell him what he had to do. So by my surprise he has apologized for everything, in a very heartfelt manner. And then told me it is his new years resolution to really kick all his bad habits... I didn't even go into it with him about what he was going to do and how he was going to do it. I said, good that's nice to hear. And last night he said he is meeting with an outpatient rehab clinic. OK, so it may not be perfect. But I believe his HP is really working in his life. He keeps taking more and more steps in a positive direction. He told me, his wife, but doesn't want any of the family to know until he can get through it. I told him I'm proud of him and so happy to hear of his decision, and left it with that because I was too wrapped up in family stuff to even have much more of a reaction. But deep down I feel so special to know that some of the damage that has occured because of his using and my prying has started to be repaired. I'm looking so forward to seeing what else our HP will reveal in the future! Thanks for everyone's support on here. I wanted to give a tiny success story back to the group to encourage anyone who is frustrated, that working the program can work... even if all you do is keep your mouth shut!
Silence certainly is a powerful thing, for good or bad!
I used to be very adept at using silence to punish. I had so much inside of me (most of it negative) that I didn't have the courage to say. So I kept it inside and stewed on it. But my body is incapable of holding that stuff inside of it without giving off physical signs. A scowl on my face. A cutting stare. Visible tension. So that silence was definately not good.
Having serene silence is the goal for me know. Detaching from what ever the situation that I feel the need to control or "guide" someone on. Doing exactly what you did with your short encouraging comments. Comments which acknowledge the other person without my taking on responsibility for joining in on their "issue" and trying immediately to form a plan in my head of how to help them achieve their goal. That always backfires on me. I get this great plan. I fill up with hope. Then the other person doesn't do things the way I want them to!! Imagine that!
Anyway! Thanks for the reminder! I will go out there today and look for an opportunity to "keep my big mouth shut" today! I'll just bet there will be one too!
I think it is incredibly hard to be around people who are self destructing. At the same time I have certainly surrendered that I am able to do anything to change their path. One of the tools I use regularly is to be really super busy on my own life so that I am not so tempted to dwell on other people's lives
Who would have ever thought that anyone would arrive at gratitude for keeping their mouth shut after being given the opportunity to "lash" an alcoholic/addict. LOL Not Me!! Any how you pulled it off and I got to review a lesson on detachment in the process. Second gratitude.
Silence, what's that? LOL... I don't think I could ever stand to leave a gap. Forget awkward silences... around me there was no silence, awkward or otherwise!
I have learned to not say anything - although at the time, I tell myself "I'm not going to say anything YET". It's a form of procrastination, like not drinking today. I find that any, many times when I have a *reaction* to something, and words are bubbling up inside me that have to get out, that either I'm about to go out of line or the person who has provoked me has been *counting* on me to go out of line.
My boss used to play me like a fiddle. It was really a game with him. I don't think he knows how to relate to people, so he tries to get a reaction - especially a predictable one. Usually he'd just laugh at my response. Now, I don't respond - and he laughs anyway... sometimes walks away and I haven't even said a thing, and I'm thinking what's so funny. That's funny to me.
I also remember the time when, during a performance review, two minutes of silence earned me a good chunk of money. He offered up my raise and I just sat mulling it over, thinking how it would apply to my situation. He took my silence as being dissatisfied and proceeded to *triple* the raise. There is nothing I could have *said* that would have accomplished that!
THanks for all of your encouraging words. It is good to hear of other ways to keep my big mouth shut. Probably the hardest for me now is in work situations. But that's why we all keep working on it:) Anyways, I relate so much to what each of you have said. thanks again:)
