The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There are lots of tools in al anon that can help you. Certainly no one is reduced to having to cut the alcoholic out of their lives immediately. I can imagine you are shocked and upset at your discovery. If you can go to a meeting and connect with others, if you need to go to meetings here they are regularly twice a day (East Coast times). You can also explore lots of literature on al anon. There is a lot of literature available on how to confront someone on their alcoholism. You don't need to do this on your own. We are here for you.
My adult son is 45. He is sober until he decides to "binge"...sort of like what you describe in your own son. It is sporadic and usually ties in with some trauma/drama he is experiencing in his personal life. I have dealt with the reality of this for about three years now, thinking as you had that he was past those "sowing the wild oats"year. Truthfully, the best thing you can do is learn the lessons of Al-Anon. Read and read on this site. You will find many people posting from the parental standpoint. Then find yourself face to face meetings in your local area. I haven't been able to do that much due to my bad health, but have in the past. You will find other parents there who are and have experienced what you are now. You cannot FIX your son. You cannot control your son's drinking. You cannot make him stop. You didn't make him start. My son has described his situation as 'trying to fill the hole that is within me'....it is very sad. Please know that I and all other parents of adult children who are A's (and I have yet to really accept that my son is ONE of those???) will understand your feelings and share their ESH with you. This is a family disease. You cannot just "divorce" your son as many spouses do with this situation. You can detach, although it will be very difficult for you, and that is why you need guidance, help, and friendship from others in the same situation. I am so so sorry you are facing this because I also know the heartbreak and grief. It is so terribly difficult, but there is hope and there is cause for you to have faith that your own life can get better. I go through very low times sometimes, but I am better after two years of working to concentrate on just me as much as I can. Prayers......and good thoughts coming your way.
It is tough to watch someone we love destroy themselves. But as I read your posting, I thought of Al Anon's 3 C's: When it comes to alcholism, we did not CAUSE it, we cannot CONTROL it, and we cannot CURE it. If there are local meetings in your area, I suggest you begin going to them. I think it will help you to see other people who are dealing with their loved one's alcholism one day at a time.
My son will be 38 years old in April. He is an alcoholic and has not drank since last February. He lives in a resident next to my home so he is not in the same house but I do see him daily. He was drinking when I let him move in there with his girlfriend. He wanted to get away from a neighborhood he was living in and try to get his life together. He was an every day drinker. I do not think you have to remove yourself from your son's life but set some boundaries for yourself. I will have to make my son move if he picks up again because I cannot deal with the worry of him driving while drunk. If he is not living under my nose I don't have to lay awake until he gets home. I can detach from him easier.
I am wondering if you can say to his friends the next time they call that he is 40 years old and if he is out of control or has alcohol poisoning that they should either call the police or an ambulance. I would surely hope that I could detach that way. We are not responsible for their illness but Alanon has enabled me to have compassion for my son. It is not his fault but sadly, the only way we can help them is to let them go and pray that he hits his bottom before something terrible happens. Most don't stop until they hit the bottom though.
My son once told me that he had so much anxiety in his stomach and the only thing that would get rid of it was beer. It is just so sad but then again it is devastating to see our children go through any type of illnesses.
I hope you can find some peace and please...please...please....go to some meetings. They are life savers.
Gail
ps----just looked at your profile and saw you are from Maryland....me too!
My son once told me that he had so much anxiety in his stomach and the only thing that would get rid of it was beer.
I think many alcoholics believe this, until they have the experience of living sober for a period of time. Then you find out that living sober doesn't mean being pain-free, but it means you can live through it without alcohol.
When I was newly sober, I took on an exercise program. I didn't exactly turn myself into Charles Atlas and I still struggle today with my diet, fitness, and weight. But I signed up for a "personal trainer" who taught me some really smart stuff I never knew. Like, it's good to *breathe* while exercising. I used to hold my breath whenever I lifted weights! She also taught me how to do the weight machines correctly - i.e. not putting my back into it when it was a lat isolator, etc. And most importantly, that stretching and that burning sensation in my muscles was part of the process. Used to be when I felt that burn, I'd stop what I was doing. When I learned that I could live through that and it wouldn't rip my muscles to shreds, a light bulb went on. I couldn't have done that without the experience of sobriety. That those days in early sobriety when I experienced pain, fear, anxiety, doubt... that growth did not come from dodging those things but from experiencing them and learning "this too shall pass".
thank you all for your wonderful responses. I am feeling abit better now. I guess last night was a shock and then I went into a state of anger. I returned his phone calls this afternoon and told him that I love him and that I am glad I know the true state of his alcoholism but that he can beat it and I am there for him. He said he has contacted his sponsor and another person in AA and will go back to one day at at time. I hope to get to an al-anon meeting tomorrow evening. His friend had called me last night because it was a case of either calling police or ambulance and by me talking to him he went and laid down and passed out so it was helpful and in spite of the emotional pain of it all I needed to know the true depth of his drinking. I was worried all afternoon today that perhaps he would kill himself if he thought I had turned away from him, it was horrible so I am so grateful to God for his response, he said he realizes now that he is indeed truly powerless over alcohol. anneh
Anneh, I have a son who is A/DA and it is a road I wish no other parent had to travel. I went through the first 36 years of his life trying to save him from himself and couldn't. When it finally got bad enough I went to f2f meetings and today, four years later, I am doing well. I don't know how he is really doing, I know what he tells me, but I have also learned that he will tell me exactly what I want to hear.
Detachment does not mean that we put them out of our lives. It is ok to love an A/DA but by detaching from the consequences of their disease we gain our serenity. Once I truly let go of him and made him responsible for his actions I gained part of my power back. I cannot control what he does, I can only control what I do.
I closed the bank of Mom I stopped loaning him food, instead I would either take him for a meal or meet him at the park for a picnic which I provided. I stopped checking to see if he made his court dates.
When tempted to rescue the question I ask myself is "IS THIS ANY OF MY BUSINESS"? In most cases it wasn't my business it was his. By allowing him to take care of his business, I allowed him the dignity to life his life, not me live it for him.
I pretty much stopped everything except loving him. In all of our conversations I make sure that at some point I tell him I love him but I cannot fix his problems for him, he has to do that. Does it hurt? Yes, sometimes it hurts a lot but if I keep grabbing him up out of the gutter he will never learn to stand up and crawl out on his own.
The best suggestion I can give to you is keep the focus on you, get to f2f meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
It is just so sad but then again it is devastating to see our children go through any type of illnesses.