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Hi all I am back have not been on in three weeks. My AH came over yesterday and we got in a disargeement. He dose not understand that I can not get over the fact that he has a gender issue and I do want to live with someone that thinks he is samething that he is not. I want a man in my live and not a man that wants to be a half woman and half man. when I tell him this he tells me that i am being selfish or close minded and I not being either I have live with MY AH for 21 years and this is just now coming out. I think I am doing the right thing for my self and our 15 year old daughter but he just dose not get it. He has made it where I can not get out of the same state as he has file for coustly of her and she can not stand him and want not think to do with him. Will things every get better? Is there a way to get him to understand that things can not go on the way they was? I have been gong to to face to face meetings and they are helping me.but he still thinks that we can work on our marriage with out the gender issue being over. Help pleace?
Teresa... I don't know waht you are going thru, however, I know in my heart that you should take care of you and let the HP take care of the rest... I know that is easy to say and harder to do, becasue I back slide some on that one my self...We are all here for "help, guidence, and love and understanding" so you came to the right place... I am not sure what choices I would make in your life, but I know that like you my child and myself would have to come first for me... So keep taking it One Day at a time, and keep coming back...
Will keep you in my thoughts and Prayers... Together in Recovery... Missing Out
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
SC, I am sorry to hear that you are just finding out about his gender identity issues that he must have kept hidden from you before. That must be very very difficult and painful to understand- not only this issue itself but his dishonesty with you in only coming out now although it possible he is just now feeling comfortable and safe coming out to you now. Its possible that he has recently been really aware of it himself, you never know.
I work a lot with people who identify in all sorts of different ways when it comes to gender and sexual preferences. I would encourage you to keep an open mind about it, if you can. How a person chooses to identify or love really does not change anything about who or what that core human being is about. Certainly the things you love about him have not changed because of this new information, have they?
His gender stuff is HIS. You get to choose how you are going to respond to this new information. I strongly suggest that you just take some time and really think about it, think about how you feel about it. The think about why it makes you feel this way. Take some time and really go through it all in yourself.
Please be gentle with yourself and with those around you. It took a lot of courage for him (it would for anyone!!) to reveal this to you, whether he is an alcoholic or not. Hugs, J.
Jean4444 My problem is he want boobs and to keep is male parts and I like his body the way it is and he is not all the way sober. and I still think that it is part of his A.He is not Been sober more that a mounth at a time in the last two years. I have been open minded about it up to the point of the boobs. this is when i had a fit and now he thinks that i am being closed minded. He is still mad because I kicked him out in noverber because he is very nean and nasty to me and our girl and treats the boy like gold and I think this is because they both are over eighteen. So I have thought about this gender issuse and thing but he will not listen to me about how I feel and this is how and why we get in to disargreements. I read every think I get my hands on and more so I have a lot of things that I know about and when He told me this about his issuse I was very good at trying thing up to letting him have boobs and now it has just got out of hand.
Just one of the things we can learn from program is to decide what kind of life we want for ourselves and then get the courage to have it that way.
If you don't want to be married to a bi...that's fine. There is no law that says you have to and no law that says he gets his way.
I dated a "bi" or as some have named it "gender issue" woman in the past. Jeeez why was I doing that? I asked my self and then stopped. We don't have to be insane especially on purpose.
I really like what Jerry said. We don't have to be insane especially on purpose! That's a good one!!!
But just as an aside, my ex didn't necessairly have gender issues (or maybe he did...who knows) but he was facinated with men with breasts for awhile and even discussed wanting to have breasts and looked at TONS of porn on the internet that was all about half man half woman. It was while he was in a severe manic state (he is bipolar). It was when he wasn't using (to my knowledge).
Now, maybe your bf has mental illness issues as well as the Aism? But the fact that you are not comfortable with it is totally ok. You do not have to be. If there is someone out there for everyone, then maybe this guy is not for you!
I used to argue and argue with the ex A. Then I started working this program. What he did became less of an issue, what I did became the main issue. In Al anon we don't necessarily recommend anyone up and outs from a relationship. We recommend participating in the program for a while providing there is no immediate abuse issues.
If you work on your issues the boundary you have between what he wants and what you want will get less of an issue. That doesn't mean you will necessarily accept what he wants, what it means is that if you don't want it it will be easier to say this is not it for me.
I like what the AA Big Book has to say about sex. I realize this isn't necessarily about sex, but in the end, the BB says we treat sex like any other issue, so it applies. We look at where we have been resentful, selfish, inconsiderate... and so on.
As far as your A goes... well, being "not quite sober" is a precarious position to be making major life choices from. If I were talking to him one alcoholic to another, I'd mention the commonly heard suggestion that we don't make any major changes for the first year of sobriety. At least when we have a choice. Normally that refers to things like jobs, relationships, etc - often these are beyond our control but when they are not, it's suggested that we have some time to have our heads screwed on straight before taking any kind of a plunge. I would think that any kind of body alterations would fall under the category of a "major decision".
As for me, I chickened out even getting a minor piercing... LOL. I was in New Orleans with my daughter and came upon a famous tatoo and piercing shop. You should have seen the guy's face fall when he found out it was me, not her, that was his potential customer After reading the warnings and disclaimers, I opted out....
