The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the huge issues for me in recovery is self reliance. I was incredibly dependent on the A on many many levels. This weekend I had an outing with a friend of mine arranged. I had looked forward to it. The friend did not show up. I went anyway. I had no resentment just went on my way. I know for sure I would not have been able to do that before. In fact doing that has made me look at other issues where I have resentments when people "let me down" or didn't do what they should do. I am so bad at letting go. I know this one instance of being able to let go and move on is so crucial to moving on in my life.
Self reliance has rarely been a problem for me. Other than being married 11 years, I've lived my entire adult life alone. Even married, I did my own laundry, a lot of the chores, cooked meals, etc. Now that I'm engaged and spending lots of time together with my future wife, I'm learning to let go of that need to do everything myself. My former wife did nothing for me - and I just sort of accepted that as how it is. I feel strange when my GF gets up to get a second helping, and asks if she can get me one too. I am not giving up my ability to take care of things myself, just allowing another person to share in the work. I've gotten much joy out of simple things in my recent single years... like waking up to a clean kitchen... LOL. Now, I have to get used to it happening even if I didn't clean it all up myself! I know, there are probably a million men out there who wish they had my "problem".... I want to accept her help, and sharing, but at the same time do my part and I still feel in the end, it's my responsibility to dot the i's and cross the t's. As a kid, I hated drudge work more than anything - but since I've been sober, I developed an appreciation for doing the simple things. I find doing housework to be meditative, a stress reliever from my day job which is 90% just thinking. I figured I was a thinker and I'd be rich enough someday to have somebody else do all the grunt stuff, but now I find the grunting theraputic and the thinking often a chore.
Writing is also good therapy... but if I did it for a living, or even part of a living (as in, having any deadlines) it would become a chore real fast.
I think for me it was an emotional issue rather than a physical or even a financial issue. There is no question for me that I gave so much more emotional, physically, resourcewise in the relationship. He contributed less and less as time went on. Nevertheless whether it was being drained alive or whatever I found myself constantly and effectively emotionally dependent on him in many many ways. I found it hard to "let go" of so much. I harbored lots of resentments.
(((Maresie))) Well I am glad that you had the courage to go without your friend, I to sometimes fall to dependent on other 'words' and sometimes I think it is because I am "always" affraid of letting someone down.. "Alcoholic father"... I was always trying to get his attention when I was younger and as I grew the closer I got to becoming 21 the closer we bacame because then we could share a bar stool and talk for hours... So usually when I go somewere, it is in a group.. I would love honestly to go and spend a day by myself... But honestly. I don't have a clue were that trip would be...lol... So good for you for doing something I was truly struggle with, and I am glad that it opened a new world for you...
You give me Hope... I've always had Faith, but sometimes my Hope gets put on the back burner... So thank you for your share...
Love and Hugs Missing Out
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
You know it isn't so much doing things on my own as obviously I do things on my own day in day out. For me its not falling into resentment. If people let me down I can go into huge circles of resentment about it. I find it hard to let go. I have a good relationship with this friend, light and casual. My expectations are reasonable. So i really need to check my expectations all the time.
