The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We hear those three words all the time... they appear in our Al-Anon readings at the beginning of F2F meetings. We don't give advice, we simply share our experience, strength, and hope.
I am usually pretty good at #1. I don't mind talking about my experience, although in many cases, it doesn't seem relevant. I have experienced an alcoholic as a parent, child, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, friend, and boss. But never as a spouse or SO. That seems to be the most frequent situation, and I don't have a lot of experience to contribute there. My gut feeling is, I'd never put up with it. Parents and children are blood - you can detach to a point but they are always part of you. But a girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse is a choice.
Strength I find difficult to share. Being male, and a sober alcoholic myself, I feel that strength comes from experience and action. Or... not acting. I spent a lot of years believing that I *had* to act on every situation. Not acting was a sign of weakness, indecision, or simply not caring. Today I can choose not to act, and that can be my strength in the moment. I'm not that strong, but I can lend my strength when asked.
Hope I find the most difficult to share. I am not really able to say the "I'm so sorry you're going through this" mantra without feeling disingenuous. Maybe I practice detachment to the point that I detach from others in Alanon who are in pain. I protect myself. I can hear the sadness, and the despair, but I feel there's little I can contribute by just saying "I hear the sadness and the despair". I want to jump ahead to experience... tell an anecdote. If I can relate to the situation or the feelings, maybe I can say I was once there and what step I took next. But saying there is hope for the alcoholic goes beyond the Alanon program, IMO. Not that every alcoholic is hopeless; just that Alanon is about those of us who love an alcoholic. And that the hope is for US. Whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.
When I was younger, I developed a habit of looking away whenever I saw suffering. I think that's fairly common, but - it's impossible to say what is going on *inside* a person when they make that decision to look away. Do they really forget about it and go on about their business? Or does it leave some impression they never forget? I know for me, I can remember *every* time I ever saw a person in pain. Whether it was over the death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, the loss of a job, falling down and skinning an elbow, or just a little child distraut because it's time to go home from the playground. I couldn't list them all out, but - any time I witness something similar, my memories of the first time come back to me.
My feelings are always a combination of "wow, I'm glad it's not me" and "oh my, what *if* it were me? What would I do?" It's sometimes as if each time I witness suffering, without being part of it, I'm accumulating a debt that I must someday pay back, in suffering. So I do have some guilt about not being able to give comfort to the suffering *in the moment*. Then again, for the most part people don't seek me out for that purpose, they know better... LOL. I'm more likely to be of service when the person who suffered wants to get back on their feet and take some practical steps. I guess that's my purpose, and no reason to feel inadequate over it. I believe that one of our core purposes for existing is to be witnesses - and to develop ourselves as observers. That often means doing nothing until it's our turn - until we are called to action.
Anyway - one reason I decided to post this today is because I was reading some of the current posts, and really had this familiar feeling of nothing to say, nothing I could contribute... but also realizing that every time I post something here, it helps *me*. And I have to acknowledge that I need you all - and my Higher Power. Far more than you all, and He, need me.
I don't feel al anon is about having loved an alcoholic There is no question for me codependency goes on for me with or without an alcoholic. I also know that for me the issues are no longer about someone else's behavior they are about my own behavior with or without the other person.
Although I am very new to posting on this board, I have been a member of al-anon face to face meeting for over 25 years. I just wanted to say that I always look eagarly for your comments and obtain a great deal of ESH from your postings.
That you have the courage and Strength to look at yourself and share honestly who you are and what you believe gives me Hope. Everytime you share from an open heart I grow.
Watching my son relapse and die from this disease last year was the most painful time of my life with al-anon tools of prayer,meetings and living one day at a time, I was able to finally have compassion for the alcoholic and hate the disease. I do understand the benefit of having someone just listen and say I hear your pain. It gave me hope that if this person had endured so could I.
When I was 16, a teacher said to me, such and such a merchant in the town probably thinks, when you come in, oh here's that girl who speaks such good French. I looked at him like he was from mars, having just asserted the merchant in question surely didn't know me from Adam.
Gradually, however, this lead to an early and firm conviction that we never know when we're making a difference. I have a hard time remembering this sometimes, but it fact it has been confirmed to me more than once. Once somebody I didn't know called me at my place of work. "Thank you", they said - "just.... thank you for everything". I did have the presence of mind to say, well, thank you very much for saying so; but I still have no clue what I did. Sometimes I regret that; other times I think it's actually not the point. The point is that I shared something honestly, openly, willingly, and it made a difference to somebody else. This was before program, but I think this is how healthy program living works. You put positive energy out there, and by golly, positive energy is picked up.
There's a woman in my f2f who, when she remembers her own first meeting for a newcomer, never fails to say, every single person who was there that day said SOMEthing that gave me hope.
I think that when you say something - even when you feel it's inadequate - you're making a difference without knowing it. Maybe what you say is just a piece that's going to cause what someone else says to be seen in a new light. Maybe you're just aligning sub-atomic quanta in a positive state. I dunno how it works. But I'm pretty sure it does.
I dunno how it works. But I'm pretty sure it does.