The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I spoke to EXABF awhile back about perhaps starting to attend AA meetings with him, if we ever chose to get back together, my goal being to learn more about the disease of alcoholism itself and the ways that it affects a person, sober or drinking. I am betting that sober A's such as my ex, also still carry with them certain behavior/personality traits, and I'd like to learn all I can about it. He at first wanted to clarify my intent and make sure it was not to point out things he was/wasn't doing-(which it is not my place to take anyone else's inventory). Then he told me that AA meetings focus on recovery NOT the disease which is what I really want to learn more about, so I am thinking that maybe AA isn't the way to go. Either that or he really doesn't want me there. When I post I have noticed that some people will mention things that EXABF does as being typical A behavior, I thought since he has been sober and in program 10 yrs those behaviors would be gone. So am I being niave here? Is he still carrying around all those behavior patterns which can be horrible at times? I know what alcoholism and co dependancy has done to me and am still learning, but I want to know how he has been affected and continues to be affected. I want facts. Does that make sense? I want to educate myself more about this disease he suffers from and was hoping that there was a good book out there somewhere that someone could recommend to answer some of my questions..... Any ESH would be appreciated....... Thanks so much MIP family~ Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Sound like you got a reaction out of him when you mentioned you'd like to go sit in...LOL Alcoholics' are still human and can react just like anyone in the Family Groups. He's been around awhile and has lots of sobriety don't let your expectations of him cause you to mistake "human" behavior for "alcoholic" behavior. I was once told to take my alcoholic out from under my microscope and accept her for who she was at any moment. That said tons about how I was behaving and the problem that was me. It didn't say to accept unacceptable behavior it said to "live and let live". She almost seemed to become a lovelier human being when I got my weight off of her back. She looked taller also LOL.
Open AA meetings are very informative and most of what is said in the rooms is about recovery from drinking. AA is not Al-Anon though you can hear our program of change in the meetings from time to time. There are lots of recovering Alcoholics' attending Al-Anon Family Groups now the reason being "now that I've arrested the compulsion to drink"...Now What? Don't have to go there since your alcoholic probably doesn't even feel the need. The Big Book of AA..."Alcoholics Anonymous" is a very good read about the disease and includes both related information from the physician and the alcoholic; men and women and more. Al-Anons' literature is also "tops" in regard to information about the disease and the effects of the disease on mind, body, spirit, emotions, family, friends, associates, relationships etc. etc.
One of the college texts that I used when I was there doing that and trying to learn every nook and cranny about my alcoholic and the disease of addiction and is still rated tops in the field is, "UNDER THE INFLUENCE" by Dr. James R. Milan and Katherine Ketcham. It is still very available and not expensive. I highly recommend it for anyone who needs to look into the nooks and crannies like I do. Sometimes Analyticals need more (like myself) because they listen more by reading.
Don't ever loose your naivity...that how we stay child-like and humble. Besides it's more fun not having all the answers from time to time. "Today I play dumb and everyone comes to my support." Yay!!
I agree with what Jerry had to say. The Big Book of AA is an excellent resource for learning about the disease of Alcohlism. Open AA meetings are awesome as well. Perhaps you could find a meeting you exabf does not attend.
Another excellent place to learn for me has been attending AA/Al-Anon conferences. These usually last a weekend and have many AA speakers telling their stories. I have gained so much insight into alcoholism by hearing these men and women tell what it was like and what it is like after being in the program. They have always been very powerful to me.
I agree with what has already been said above , just want to add , don't forget about your own program , al anon is what makes it easier to live with my husb with out it we were doomed , we both needed space to recover in our own time , going to AA is ok too I did the same thing for awhile but soon found out that it was still all about HIM and quite frankly I had done enough of that to last me a lifetime . I needed to find out what made me tick , why did I allowed the things I did in our relatationship -they werent about him they were about me . 20 yrs later I still attend 3 meetings a week he is sober 19 yrs and I still react occasionally to his behavior , can they change ? u bet they can and so can we . good luck Louise
Well one thing you can do is to attend an open meeting of alcoholics anonymous. You do not need to be an "alcoholic" to attend. Another great resource is the entire series of Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew.
I'd also say that part of the focus of al anon is to get the emphasis off the A and put it on you. If I'm overly concerned with someone else I am generally not taking care of me. I say that having lived with an active A for 7 years. Before my whole life was in reaction to him. Now it isn't.
There are no guarantee's with anyone's sobriety. There is no guarantee an A will stay sober. The only guarantee we have is to take care of ourselves no matter what. Maresie.
Echoing what others have said... non-alcoholics are welcome at open AA meetings. Where I come from open meetings are usually either speaker meetings or beginner meetings. You won't get a "textbook" course on alcoholism, but you'll hear real stories from real people - both in the past and present tense. And the AA Big Book outlines the program of recovery, as well as chronicling the stories of AA's co-founders and many others.
In terms of outside opinions on alcoholism - there are many to be found, medical, legal, religious, spiritual, philisophical, and more. Google if interested.
Mainly what you will see though, if you attend an open AA meeting, is real people in various states of recovery - with sobriety anywhere from 24 hours to decades. And you'll see that it works. One of the first things I noticed in my early meetings was the sheer number of "old timers". Although to me 6 months was an old-timer when I came in... but people with 5, 10, 20, 30, 40 years still coming to meetings regularly.
My aH was sober for 8 years and recently started up again. I saw it coming. When he is working his program....he is wonderful. But then the "dry drunk" came along and there he was. The sleeping tiger woke up. After 8 years..............
