The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've had a rough couple of weeks (join the crowd!) and last week I felt as if al-anon had done nothing for me. I cried, I raged, I feared.... this journey just seems too long at times. It has been two years since our dysfunction came out in the open. Two years since my ah's affair began. Almost two years since I started al-anon, and almost one and a half years since my ah was forced into and started serious recovery. The waiting is now over and life changes of enormous proportion are on the horizon. AH's affair is out (her husband finally knows after 2 yrs), the economy has seriously affected our business, and serious change is immenent. I am scared, but I can only take one day at a time.
So, I met with my sponsor and went to a meeting on Friday night and really listened, and came to this board and read a lot over the weekend. I think I may be emerging a bit from my funk (though the situation has not changed a bit) and thought I would share some of my realizations.
The slogan of "this too shall pass" is evident. I have never heard, " it came to stay"
A gentleman at my meeting spoke of losing his job after 39 yrs and wanting to write the company to tell them all they did wrong, and to "fix" them. He said a friend of his said, "they already know". Yeah. It reminds me that my ah is not ignorant or stupid and that giving my input and expressing my thoughts and feelings are pointless. He already knows. Powerful stuff.
Recovery on both sides is a process, and a long one at that. Had a conversation with my ah this past week following an important meeting. I started with "I don't blame you for this particular thing" and ended with the message that I believe that the consequences we are experiencing are because he refused to do the "right" thing. Got an email later where he called me on it, basically suggesting I figure out how I really feel so I can be true to myself. He wasn't defensive. He attested to the fact that saying something for someone else's benefit only creates wreckage of self. Also spoke of acceptance. Hard to admit he was right on. The truth is I want to absolve him of blame and I want to forgive, but I really am not there yet. The letter was full of recovery as was our conversation earlier in the night. For almost a year and a half he has been going to 5-7 aa meetings a week, a professional group twice a week, personal counseling, meeting with a sponsor and attending a relapse prevention program. He also must make a phonecall daily to see if he goes in for random testing. I am lucky if I make it to one meeting a week, sometimes two. I still carry much pain and am still peeved that he carries on with a sick A married g/f. I hate the ramifications that will come of that. However, I guess I can acknowledge that the man may also be showing some growth in recovery even though he is not doing it in the manner I think he should. Such a testamemt to the fact that sobriety/recovery takes time and that being chemical free is only part of the process.
Lastly, I am glad I took the high road in regards to my ah's affair, and for the most part have conducted myself with dignity. I am glad I did not tell g/f's husband and let it be between them. I am glad I did not expose my story to anyone who would listen. I am glad I did not commit assault or murder. I did not force the chaos that is about to ensue. I can emotionally handle it better now and my kids have been given time to get used to all the changes. There are more to come. It is not going to be easy. Need to continually remind myself that God is with me, and always has been. I think I can do this. Uh, I have no choice. I hope someday to be able to say that I am truly happy and grateful for the experience.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 10:54, 2009-01-19
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
(((LOU))) I know first hand what "taking it one day at a time" is all about... I don't have an AH but I did have an A father, till this past Thanksgiving, and it brought on a hole new world for me... i thought living with him was the problem but turns out living without him is any even bigger burdon... I can't say as I know all of what you are going thru, but my father sounds ALOT like your Ah... He did many of the same things, and it took me joining Al-anon "Resently" to realize that his sickness led most of his life. My father never found sobrity.. EVER... and the bottle went down with him in the last hours of his life... I just hope for you that you realize the Strength that you have... The hurdles you have already over come makes you pretty amazing... So hold your head up and know that you are doing the best you can, and that "this to will pass"...
Keeping you in my prayer... Love and Hugs... Missing out
-- Edited by missing out at 11:16, 2009-01-19
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
Sometimes all the cheerful al-anon stuff just cannot sit right with me. I am going through one of those phases right now. I needed something real and your post is super real and not all goodness and light. Thanks for writing because I have been in a funk also for the past couple of weeks. I know I will emerge and so will you but sometimes its useful to just say: "HEY, this really sucks and its really long and its really really hard and I am scared."
I am too. I go one day at a time and see what happens, I guess. We have no choice about what comes and what goes. Cannot control a bit of it. No sense in even saying anything to anyone, it seems.
It could be the time of the year. Its dark days, my friend, I hear of so many people losing their jobs. I don't think mine is threatened but neither did anyone else till it happened. I say bring it on- whatever. I practically live like a bag lady already- so what else is new?!! HA!
So, hang in there. I will too- thanks for your post. I can relate. Hugs, J.
I feel grateful for your post. I applaud you for all the things you WERE able to do with your HP's help. That's a great reminder for me today. To just keep asking for more faith, and more strength to do the next right thing.
When I'm standing in the muck, it's impossible for me to understand (and feel grateful for) HP's will. However, in retrospect, the most positive change in me has been spiritual growth. My problems seem to have been necessary for me to get to my HP. When I came to al-anon, I came crawling through the doors, completely broken. I had truly reached my bottom. In retrospect, that is exactly why I turned to my HP, asking for help. Like you said, "I have no choice." Where else can I go? (I had once heard, "There are no athiests on a sinking ship!") In that sense, my circumstances have served a perfect purpose.
My sponsor keeps telling me, "this program is not for sissies!" I am glad we're walking through the muck together, because I can't do it by myself. When we stick together, climbing this mountain of recovery is possible. Your faith supports my faith and we just keep climbing. Thank you for being here.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I'm sorry you had a rough last few weeks. Keep taking care of you -- I've found, lately, that it is MY JOB (in my relationship) to allow my partner the distinct honor of having toxic behavior; if I can recognize that I didn't do anything to cause it (if so, then I can apologize), I can detach, I can love, and I can let her find out what is really truly bugging her ~~~ instead of guiding her focus onto my reaction.
Again, sorry you've had a rough spell. I send a hug and a smile.
with love, your friend cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Aloha Lou...You have come along way and you have done the program as you have seen it was supposed to be done by you for you. You have taken suggestions (not all...that's impossible) and commenced your own recovery. There is no comparison twix yours and his. Standing out here with my own time and experiences I can see positives in both. I am not a fan of "forced" recovery no matter how many meetings a week or sheets that have been signed to drug tests passed. I co-meet with hundreds of alcoholic/addicts who do the same thing and many of them are honest that their "recovery" is forced and fearful that it is what it took. They know why and so do I. I have little regard for a person's sobriety when they cease their opportunity to be compassionate in favor of trying to cover or evade a persons hurt that they were partially responsible, using recovery philosophy. My take is that the process is another "put down" using another "less than" statement that results in continuing "loss of self esteem and self blame." Alcoholism includes the skill of manipulation and evasion of responsibility. There is no time limit to greiving only a path to adjustment. The alcoholic doesn't ever get to determine that time or path for you. For me when an alcoholic does that, their program of recovery is suspect. My early sponsor told me that my alcoholic could never be my sponsor and I stopped talking the working of the program with my alcoholic and all other alcoholics who use to "impose" their sobriety on me. I suggest that for all Al-Anon members. Your alcoholic has others besides yourself that are interested in his need for sobriety. He should attend to that and that alone. If all he has is a year and a half and doing that many meetings a week plus all the other stuff I wonder how "teachable" he still is.
Surround yourself with the people in your program. They know where you've been and where you are at now. They know it because they/we have all been there often times many times. Take your eyes off of the "dream" and with an open mind focus on the reality.
If I really had to depend on someone who could help my recovery...it would be you and not him; I am a member of both programs.
Keep coming back. Sometimes are harder than others and that's just the way it should be so that we can look forward to the highs.
It's a long hard road, and I don't see any exit for me down the road, I think the most thing I can hope for is a little rest stop to pull into from time to time.
The thing is about this road is that there are no road signs to follow, no directions, all you know is the number of miles you have traveled.
I am not glad I have fellow travelers on this road, but I value them so much because they alone understand the cost of traveling this road.
i cant say I carried myself with as much dignity as you did. I railed, raged and grieved very openly for a long long time. Only after I "got" this program did I stop.
I do know of people whose issues came to stay. in fact one person I know in AA spoke of it recently. Nothing good came to him for years. He has one of the most solid programs I know of. I think personally of my own issues and know I am far from the thick of things. I am on my 2nd year out of an alcoholic relaitonship and life is in some ways far far tougher than it was with the A. Denial has its role in life and one is to not know.
Personally the A's betrayal of me with various friends really hurt me deeply. I know he derided me to lots of people. He always claimed he wanted out. Guess who calls now - the A. He is the one to call me week after week. I stopped calling him a year ago. I would not think of calling him now.
I know what it is to have a huge mess in front of you. I know many alcholics who never clean up their mess. I know for me personally cleaning up this mess is one of the ways I get to look at boundaries, people pleasing and many others issues that consume me.
A gentleman at my meeting spoke of losing his job after 39 yrs and wanting to write the company to tell them all they did wrong, and to "fix" them. He said a friend of his said, "they already know".
Then again they might not! Companies can have denial too... I recently witnessed a company literally run into the ground by absolute neglect and laziness. The owner blamed his employees, the economy, the guy he bought the business from (when it was thriving)... everybody but himself. He of course immediately got another job running a business similar to the one he just destroyed. Guess he's qualified! LOL....
But the point is taken - there's nothing I could say to this person that wouldn't be a total waste of my time and energy.
