The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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level.
(i chose the "heart" icon for this topic because i re-read my title and realized i'm loving myself *boggle*) i titled this "futureS" because it seems like so many paths are open before me at the moment, and anything could happen. *i'm preparing to tell my A boyfriend to leave, permanently.* i'm very full of fear right now, i'm literally very isolated, i have no friends left except a few i've made online. most of my fear surrounds my physical disabilities and limitations, my local environment, the reality that i can't just boot him out because i let myself become completely dependent on his help for all of my needs!
my local Al-Anon meeting never really materializes, one person shows up once in a rare while, there is no chairperson or literature person or even a coffee and donut person. at this point, i'm likely to try to start up a meeting myself! just so i have a meeting to go to. my hope is to post here more, and find someone i click with to ask for sponsorship.
i learned last fall that he's bi-polar with psychotic features, but even though he told me, he then denied it, said it was only a preliminary diagnosis and he was still being tested, etc. at this point, what is going on resembles "rapid cycling" i.e. total crazymaking. compassion and loving detachment doesn't even enter into it anymore, it seems! no amount of detachment, even absolute ignoring, will stop his verbally and emotionally abusive behavior. he's starting to throw things, not "at" us but "near" us and that's where i said "i am DONE." he's gone so far beyond the limits of what i'm willing to tolerate, and my young child is beginning to show the effects of living with him. that, i cannot and will not allow!
if i had a car, he would have been gone last night. i would have called the police to get him out. it's that serious. i took the leap of faith and finally opened up to a friend i've known online, told her the whole story, and told her i'm pretty much so desparate i'm going to ask around for donations towards getting a car, i've become that shameless. it's like, i go through the Steps, the detachment, i use only active listening, i work so damn hard on my own issues, and he just gets more and more angry, blames me more and more for every problem he has, rewrites our relationship over and over to show how awful i am, how long-suffering he is. he must think it's fun that he can stand over me while i'm stuck in a chair and can't get up for the moment ... he laughs at me and diagnoses me with *his* diseases as i cry in frustration that i can't just get up and simply walk upstairs to my room.
this man is now doing everything he possibly can to interrupt and disrupt my life, to the point of demanding i be off this computer - which i paid for, which i pay for cable internet - because he wants to sleep on the couch earlier and earlier and earlier. that's why i haven't been able to make the 9pm chat meetings!! which is the only time i have, after my daughter is in bed. at the same time, he spends most of his time traveling to AA meetings to speak, or doing visits, even helping domestic violence victims. he's a long-timer and so respected, it used to make me sick to think of what they would feel if they were shown a video of his home behavior, until i realized i just don't care any longer.
i educated myself about bipolar disorder, especially the "psychotic features" part, and i'm no professional but it describes everything he's been doing/saying/going through so completely. i've reached the point where i can no longer let him use any of his problems as excuses!! it's like living with an active alcoholic, the roller coaster with the highest highs and the lowest laws and so many twists and turns that nothing makes sense any longer and you think you're the crazy one.
Al-Anon and CoDa literature has been very helpful for me! i keep a "recovery journal." sometimes just sitting and copying an affirming statement or paragraph gets me through a tough time, even if i don't believe it yet.
i need to hear from other people who have been at this point before, the point where you tell the alcoholic, the addict, the mentally ill person to leave - the point where they know they're going to lose everything good in their life and may become very dangerous. i know it won't happen overnight, and i have a safety plan for me and my daughter. my goal is that HE leave, that i don't have to go to a shelter and lose everything again and start all over again. my other goal is to not let him sidetrack me in even one way, including him attempting suicide again - next time he does it, he can stay in the hospital, i'm not rescuing him again *cringes at how hard i've become* i'm going to need a lot of pep talks! thank you in advance for any ESH.
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
btw, the book "Getting Them Sober" that was sent to me from here has been the most helpful, most awesome thing to get me off my mental butt!! once i realized the depths which he will go to to stay comfortable in his disease, POW! my HP definitely woke me up. just wanted to share that in case someone hasn't replied to the offer yet. it is life-changing.
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
sadako, I had to leave my bi-polar alcoholic now ex husband because the verbal and emotional abuse was beginning to get physical and I left in the middle of the night with nothing but my clothes in a rental car.
We tried to reconcile, got counseling, tried everything. He refused to get professional medical help for his mental illness and refused to believe he had any kind of problems at all. I was the one who was messed up.
I realized that I was better off alone than with the yelling, the no sleeping, more yelling, more complaining and blaming, no sleep, not eating well, no balance or calmness or basic decent human compassion. It was a living hell, I tell you. I stayed until I could stay no longer. My very life was in danger.
Then I realized that we would never reconcile and that I was DONE. I realized I would never be able to live with him again, under the same roof. I realized I would never be able to live with a man who yells day and night, accuses, never sleeps and blamed me for everything. He had so many diseases and I could not live with any of them. The less I responded/reacted to him, the more dangerous he became and he started delivering blows to get the response- anything to get me to respond.
The thing I still struggle with sometimes is really believing that I did not cause it somehow, even a little, that I did not bring it on. My intellect knows I did not but there is a little spot in me that wonders and for this, I am seeing a therapist. I may never be able to live with anyone again after what I went through with him. I am now claustraphobic and sometimes still get post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms and its been 3 years since we have been under the same roof. Its a very serious thing you have gone through. You may need some professional help and do no hesitate to get some if you need it. I sure did.
Take care and know you are not alone. You will get through this. One day at a time. Hugs, J.
It just makes me think about my AHsober's behavior. Not mentally ill but insanity. I keep taking it and that is not right. You have plan, hopefully you have support. Our intuition is right every time.
{{{{hugs}}}} Sounds like things have become pretty unhappy for you. I understand your concern for your child. I have a 4 year old and I have found acceptance in my decision to not want him being raised in a tense, toxic, emotionally unstable home, which is when I decided to get better!!! For me, my getting better, has included separating from my aH. (Your post reminds me that I have been fortunate enough that he agreed to leave).
I've began taking better care of myself, emotionally. Feeling my feelings and accepting them and most of all ALLOWING them to be true for me. I have began ALLOWING myself to know what is right for me. I was always always always second guessing my ability to make a good decision, always playing devils advocate against myself. Now I try to just allow myself the dignity of knowing what is right for me, and my little one.
I hope you find a way to allow yourself the knowledge and dignity of doing the next right thing (whatever that may be) for yourself, and your little one! I have found it to be very liberating and freeing.
Stick around the board. I've found there to be an abundance of experience, strength and hope in the people who visit and post here.
Have you spoken to a domestic violence shelter. If you are going to ask him to leave you might want to do it legally. They can help with that.
Do you ever go to AA meetings. If you do you'll know that many many people who "speak" a great program have tumultuous lives. There is no way anyone in the program buys that someone who is working a program has a tumultous life, the two don't go together. Some people need more than an AA program to work through their issues.
Many of us have been there, done that. One thing I did was to make a plan be. What was it that the A provided that I could do something about. How could I leave or be "left". I am glad I did that it took the focus off arguing.
I also read "getting them sober" and everything I could find written by Melody Beattie.
