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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Finally left my ABF, but feeling empty and isolated
Post Info TOPIC: Finally left my ABF, but feeling empty and isolated
ellens93


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Finally left my ABF, but feeling empty and isolated
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no hi everyone.  i'm new here, please bear with me.

after a 2 year dysfunctional relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend, i finally moved out.  i've never moved out of somewhere so fast in my life.

my ABF was of course intriguing and adventurous at first, then i started to realize he had a problem.  he always thought he could stop if he wanted, he said "i don't need AA".  but then got a DUI, which changed his attitude, but not much....he did start sporadically going to AA, then got a second DUI....then things started going very poorly between us.  he started going to a lot of AA over this past autumn, and got a sponsor...but still was drinking and denying it...even calling his sponsor while drunk and telling him we were in a fight because i was falsey accusing him of drinking!  i can tell immediately when he was drinking, and when he lied to my face about it, it made me so angry.  it got to the point where i wanted to slap him across the face and throw things at him.....so i made the decision to move out last week.  when i told him, he became extrememely nasty to me about moving out, being belligerent and saying "you can't leave me, i have a disease...you have to help me!"...and he was drinking a lot during my last week there, harrassing me about moving out, etc.  he made my last week there completely miserable and stressful and i'm so happy to be away from him.  i think he's slowly starting to accept that i left him, but now he's fighting me wanting to be off the lease, and still being nasty about things.  and still drinking.  and continually asking me when we'll be together again.

i only now realize how dependent he was on the alcohol and how dependent i was with always trying to "fix him".  everything from little things like making sure he didn't go into work smelling like alcholol, to big things like making sure he was making all his required lawyer phone calls, etc.  it took me a LONG time to realize that only he can help himself.

but i'm feeling very lonely and isolated now.  he's got a whole team of people hellping him (his AA friends, a therapist, a psychiatrist, friends, family, etc.) and i feel i have no one to talk to, no one that understands.  i'm also feeling like my whole identity was involved in "fixing him"...so there's a big void in my life now.  he and i were best friends, so even though i'm glad to be done with it, there still is a big loss for me.  and i still worry about him, it's very hard to let go of that.  it's hard for me to understand how someone who has been given so many chances  in life still wants to throw it all away.

thanks for listening and i hope you all find strength within yourselves.





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sadako


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i can understand what you're going through, especially what you wrote about him having lots of help and you being isolated! it's been very hard for me to understand also, i honestly think there's just no way to understand it, and IMO we don't need to. as long as we take care of ourselves first, because no amount of love can make a dent if someone doesn't want, or know how to, accept our love.

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To know the darkness is to love the light,
to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
missing out


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(((ELLEN)))
Well you came to the right place for support.. I too am "Newbie" started the end of Dec. and Well I have never felt more love then I do from the peeps at MIP... This place has always given me a soft place to land when my days become unbarable... Give them all a chance to be your support, and just try and take it "One day at a time" because as we all say here at Al-anon... This to will pass... And you will be stronger for it...

Love and hugs..
Missing out...

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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgetting what happened, its about Giving Up, All Hope, of a Better Past!
newday


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You are in the right place. If support is what you seek. I felt isolated like you too. But when I look back...I think it was because I spent so much time focusing on him...that when we broke up...I thought I had nothing to do!

Alanon has helped me tremendously...Face to face meetings...online meetings...chatroom talks. One on one therapy has also helped me. (Great- if you have insurance that covers it.) I have been seeing someone for 3 years. I don't go so often anymore...I have recovered. But whenever I feel the urge to call him or answer his pleas...which still happen despite his new relationship with another addict...I make an appointment to talk to my counselor.

Get help for you....first and foremost. Let him work on him. My prayers go out to you.

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Karilynn


~*Service Worker*~

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((((((Ellen)))),

Welcome to the MIP family.  :home:  Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the heart.gif ).

You are not alone in this journey of recovery.  We are right here for you.  He has his AA (and hopefully he will find his way to recovery.  You have your Alanon.  Call your local chapter and find some face to face meetings to get to.  They are so good for you. 

Remember your recovery is about you and for you, regardless if he chooses recovery or not.  Recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve.  It's about living strong.  Please keep coming back to us.  You can do this.  We are right here with you.  Love and blessings to you.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat aww



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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
ellens93


Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:
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thank you to everyone for your understanding.
that's exactly how i feel -- that i was spending so much time focusing on him and trying to help him fix his problems, that now i feel i have nothing to do!  it's hard to let go of the worry about him, but i know i need to start taking care of myself.

i plan to go to a local Alanon meeting tomorrow night.  my first one.

and i'm trying to focus on myself.  i just wish i hadn't left in the middle of a lease because now i have to figure out how to deal with him and our landlords about it.  i feel bad because our landlords probably think i was the flaky one and just got up and left.  i didn't tell them the real reason -- that i HAD to get away from his drinking.

thanks to all of you...i wish you all a great night and a great day tomorrow!

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