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Starting to feel-today-like I need to learn how to and put into practice, setting boundaries in my life from work to personal.....but not really sure how or where to begin. After years of being a doormat and saying Yes when I really wanted to say No, I'm not sure how one begins this process, the most effective way.......Any ESH would be awesome........ Many thanks Shellyj123
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
If you have any of our literature go to the index at the back and look up boundaries , u will find all pages listed talk about how to set and maintain healthy boundaries , find a page u can relate to and work it . Boundaries to me are personal and a action thing , only u know how u want to be treated and when someone is abusing you verbally it's up to u to stop it , ask that they stop talking to you that way and if they don't leave thier space . boundary set (.Keeping in mind that it must be safe to do so , if your dealing with a violent alcoholic that changes everything), it dosent take long for people to get it . I always smile when I hear someone say they told thier signifigant other thier bondaries to me it's like waving a red shirt at a bull , of course thier going to take a run at it . Boundaries are not walls they can be moved occasionally or chnged at any time , getting the respect I felt I deserved only came for me after I learned to set personal boundaries for my relationships .
Shelly I would recommend that you start small - start with one boundary to kind of get the hang of it.... don't try and do a whole bunch at once. Pick one that is both important to you but one that you also think has a reasonable chance of success. Also one that you feel that you can keep or enforce. (In other words, "if you don't stop doing "xyz" I'm leaving you" is probably too much too fast )
For me, the first boundary I put in place with my AW (still active drinker) was that I would no longer tolerate tirades from her when she was intoxicated that turned verbally abusive. Told her that if/when she did that, I would leave the conversation/room/house as necessary. I had to enforce the boundary a couple of times before she realized I meant it, and the good news is that the behavior stopped! So I have had one boundary success story....
I've not tried to establish too many other boundaries yet as I tend to hold out for the big ones, because I want to know in my mind and in my heart that I mean it and I am willing to enforce it.
shelly, Just like LG I agree with starting with small boundaries. As a mattter of fact I started with the same one LG started with and it worked the same for me. Like anything when you do something over and over it becomes easier. My first thought was that I was being rude by detaching from the situation this way. As time went by my AW I think realized she would get the same reaction each time from me. (no reaction). It still happens, not as often. My change created a change in her.
I consider this boundary a perfect way of "Taking Care Of Myself First", that's the first thing we are told in this program. I quickly realized that I was not being rude, only doing the next right thing. As LG said it is a small boundary, but it turns out to be huge for your serenity.
I got the 6 guidelines for setting boundaries many years ago in the chat room from another member. I have used them successfully to set boundaries in all aspects of my life, personally & professionally.
Boundaries are to protect you and they can help you to have an option if you get emotional or upset & you don't really have to think, just follow through on your plans for yourself. As time goes on, of course you can amend them. For example a few years ago, I wouldn't go to my mom's house if her AH was there. Now I'm much stronger in my program and I no longer allow him to bother me but that has come with practise & lots of boundaries.
I have noticed that ppl have respected me & understood when I was following through with my boundaries. But I no longer let others dictate to me what I will do. I have choices and can act on my own. If others understand & can live with what I want for my life, great. If not, let's just say I have 'boundaried out' a lot of people too.
I can tell you, the first time I set my first boundary & followed through on it, my self esteem rose and I immediately began to feel some personal power and self respect and it was a wonderful new feeling at the time.
6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES 1. HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.2. CLEARLY DEFIENED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.3. SET THEM CLEARLY.4. COMMUNICATE THEM CLEARLY.5. ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY6. WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME)
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I have been reading a book by Cristine Beattie called the Language of Letting Go. It was inexpensive. It really speaks to me , guides me, gives me comfort to know that the decision I made was hard but was in fact the best decision possible for my and my as's recovery.
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